When I was juuust a little girl...
I felt as though the opinions of all others mattered. I would step into primary and elementary school, building up the suspicions that everyone was watching my every move. "What if I tripped, and that girl saw me, and told everyone? No one would like me, I would never be popular. I'll die alone, Mother help me" That's normal right? For all of the introverts, or half-introverts out there, I suppose it would be. I can't even imagine going through the formative years of schooling with confidence. And yet, some people managed to pull that off nicely. Anyway, this feeling, this paranoid sense about me that I was constantly being watched and judged followed me throughout the majority of my school-life.
Haha, hell, I wasn't a sweetheart when I was younger. Nor am I one now, upon closer inspection. I was a little bitch. A snivelling bitch. Despite my self-consciousness, I somehow...could be considered one of the "popular" kids, starting in 1st grade. Yes, one of the people that I glare at today. I had my own little clique. Wait, mind you, the school I went to was a small... REALLY small private school. We're talkin' 6 kids in the whole first grade. The school was the size of a fairly large house. (The tuition was the same as a regular private school though...God knows why) So this little clique was basically all 6 of us. We had already made our stupid 1st grade bonds. And then a new girl came. And for some reason, my dumbass 1st grade self wanted to be a total bitch to her. She followed my friends around. And I hit her with a rug. A motherfucking rug. I would go back in time and beat the shit out of myself. What. The hell. Was I thinking? It tied along with that sense of having to be perfect in everyone else's eyes. You had to "stay at the top" of the school pyramid, even if it meant pushing others down. This holds true, today, for the majority of society.
I look back on that, and all of the other megabitch things I've done since then. It wasn't until middle school, that I opened my bitch-eyes to the bitch-world and knew something had to change. I moved to a new school, so I could basically start over. Somewhere around that time, I stopped caring about being watched. It's cute, I had my first play. The very first time preforming in front of people. Nervous as fuck. On top of that, I had a little solo. But it was what happened during and afterwards that changed my outlook. Long story short, it raised my confidence, ever so slightly. Ok, admittedly, my dumbass self got cocky. I would beat my ass again, if I could go back in time. The cockiness evened out by 7th grade, but not before it made me lose genuine friends. Still, popularity was more important than actual friendship, at that time. What. Nonsense. All that mattered was everyone else's opinions of me. My attitude, my way of speaking, who I hung out with, every aspect of my life was molded to the cookie cutter of society at that point. And then super HUGE bitch moment of mine came up, which is another story entirely. :(
Shaky transition, insert here. 8th grade, something, I don't know what the hell it was, but something happened. Everyone outgrew drama, because we were finally getting out of this stupid hole we've been stuck in. Everyone...was nice. Most were. Shit, another random thing I forgot to drop in; I stood up for someone somewhere there, and kind of stepped out of the cookie cutter shit, and that made an impact...eh. Thing is, the majority of my grade, around 50 kids, were being bitches to the one I stood up for. With 8th grade over, and high school coming up, something in my head FINALLY FUCKING CLICKED. I...really don't give a SHIT what people think of me. What really makes me happy? Who really makes me happy? Could I stand to be around people who didn't let me like what I liked? Would I be able to deal with staying silent, for something that I placed all of my faith in? No. Bam. I stopped caring what others thought of me. For the most part. I came into St. Agnes Academy with a new mindset, determined to fit in with who I wanted to fit in. Hell if some bitch judges me on the shit I put in my hair, or the shoes I wear. You whore, it won't even matter 10 years from now. I'm so fucking happy where I am right now. Yes, there are cliques and the like, and in some ways, high school is how it is portrayed in the movies, but unlike the movies, I'm not a helpless wimp who needs a savior. Well, I do have several saviors, but still. And yes, it's not perfect, but again, that's another post.
It is on this note that I end my heated...rant(?)/explanation.
tl;dr- I don't care what anyone thinks, so expect the whole truth in this little blog. Expect...my life.