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Friday, February 4, 2011

Oral Fixation.

*WARNING: This post may offend those who find it offensive for people to put bacteria in their mouth. I JUST put a piece of a plastic plate in my mouth. That proves that this is real, and not a joke. Also, although some things may sound suggestive, this time I really, honestly, truly did not intend for that to happen. Please be as mature as possible when you read this.*
TWO posts in one day. Three in less than two days. Yes, I'm feeling "write-y" this weekend. Enjoy:

Don't worry. The title only sounds sexual if you think it sounds sexual and don't know what it means. That applies to  any word or phrase. I love chocolate. I love chocolate. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I "believe" in the "Holy" Spirit. I like  computers. I *like* computers. You can turn the most innocent words into dirt by delivery. Works for humor, too. In  fact, pull up any stand-up comedian on Youtube, and imagine them doing their act in a monotonous tone. Damn  straight it isn't funny, unless their humor works in monotonous tones effectively. If you picked Dane Cook, he isn't  funny anyway. (Hate on, hate on)

Body language also plays a large part in how words are interpreted.  Imagine being in the one place that is supposed  to be 100% safe, 100% of the time.  Let's say Confession. For those who don't know, that's when you tell a middle- aged man all of the naughty things you have done. Our culture loves having us tell middle-aged men all about our  desires and shortcomings. Look at Santa. And life helplines.  Anyway, say you chose not to reveal your sins behind a  screen. You start to tell the preist about your disobedience towards your parents. And he licks his lips. You panic.  You're stuck in a little room less than two feet away from a grown man who just licked his lips after you told him  something that no one else is supposed to know. Right now, you don't care about the little rosary on the little table in  front of you, or the little Crucifix on the ceiling. You start to panic even more. And then he sniffles. Now, he could  have just had dry lips that you didn't notice before. Or maybe an involuntary twitch. But human instinct instructed  you to flee. So you do. The POINT is, you can never really tell what someone truly means unless you are provided  with context and an accurate understanding of every word they are saying. 

So, just in case you may not know, here is what UrbanDictionary, a trusted source, says about oral fixations:
(I would omit the part about the involvement of genitals, because that's totally not true)

It's basically one of Freud's psychosexual theories, except I derive no sexual thoughts from it. You may find it really  gross. I don't care. Because it's my life and no one can tell me how to live, I'M A FREE SOUL, YOU WHORES.
 It doesn't apply to everything and anything, there are specific things I enjoy chewing, that you may like to know  about. If you really don't care about what I put in my mouth, I'll try to make it enjoyable, nonetheless. Let's get listy!


  1. Food. This is a big one. If you follow my fucked up logic, we all have oral fixations when it comes to food. But  that would make it less special. I like crunchy stuff. It's why I put fries in my burgers. But not fried onions. Those  are vegetables whose nutritional value has been cancelled out by grease. Not that I mind. It's just the veggie  aspect.
  2. Aglets. Really gross, right? So is judging me because of it. But when I get new shoes, I just pop the aglets into  my mouth without even thinking about it. And I don't digest it or anything, it just gets mashed by my molars. I  love my molars.
  1. Those little clothing tabs that attach the price tag The ones that look like flat golf clubs. Yeah, I  KNOW people touch them and all. Maybe babies sneeze on them and adults don't wipe their hands and rub  them. I'm aware of that at all times… except when they are in my mouth. I get excited for new clothes, not just  because my closet will have more friends, but because it'll provide my mouth a mouth-buddy.
  2. The tip of my tablet pen. I pull it out when I'm not using it. I know it came with a little puller-outer for when  you need to replace it, but it's lost. Anyway, it's like my mouth wants to mangle it, but without it I can't draw.  And I lost the replacements, too.
  3. Bottle caps. When it finally comes out of my mouth, it doesn't even resemble a bottle cap. It's a challenge to  first flatten it out, so I can actually chew on it comfortably. But once it's tortilla-like, I am satisfied.
  4. I don't know if this really counts, but I like to feel my filling with my tongue. I have one filling, don't worry. It  reminds me of my oh-so-pleasant time at the dentist. (NOTE: I freaking hate dentists, now.)
  5. I don't know if this counts, either, but I chew in the insides of my cheek. It's starting to sound gross now...for  me. Just… the...outer layer of skin. And I'm done.
  6. But not with the list! Plastic bag bits. Like the little nubs near the handle, sort of.
  1. And the things that you pull off bottle caps when you open a gallon of water or milk. But mostly water, because  it always seems cleaner, and there is less of a chance you will find crusted milk on it. I like milk, but not THAT  much.
  2. Foam! Like from cups. I must chew the tops of cups. Sometimes I do it when I'm not even done with my drink.  (Scandalous, I know) And I'll just lump straws in there, too. It's helpful when I'm sharing my drink with  someone, more specifically after asking them meekly if I can have a sip, because I always know which straw is  mine.
  3. Nails. When they get a certain length, I get excited. Nail-clippers have no purpose for me. I take it like a true  man and bite. There was a time where they got really brittle, but I didn't want to do the tape thing, or  whatever that is. So I started to paint them. Starting in middle school. That's why most of the time, Iwill have  painted nails, not because I think it matches my hair bows. People teased me for it, and some still do, but they  can go suckuhdeck.
  4. Toenails, too. Part of the reason why my legs are flexible.
  1. Hair. When it was long enough to reach my mouth. Now I just fantasize about it. Maybe that's why my mother  took it away from me.
  1. Broom fibers. I think that's what you call them. The little mini-sticks on the other end of a broom. Again, go  ahead and vomit at the thought of ingesting millions of floor bacteria and getting an infection.
  2. I used to suck my thumb until I was 9, so that should count.
  1. Cross-Bra-Holders. Those things that turned bra straps into x's so no one could see them when you wore a  strapless gala dress, but really, you could see the outline in the back, so it's stupid.
And that seems to be all I can think of for now. But what happens after I tire of feeling a foreign object in my mouth? I don't know, I guess I just subconsciously take it out and throw it away. Not literally throw it somewhere, but I have enough sense to discard of it properly. Just because I act like a caveman, doesn't mean I truly am one.

Now, again, this is something I do without thinking about it. Don't go off and think that my goal every day is to stuff random things in my mouth. If I could stop, I would, but that would take intense effort, especially since I don't realize it. And again, I couldn't care less what you thought of me, this doesn't make me a bad, evil, stupid person. It makes me just… a person type of person. You may think I am gross. But at least I don't use my "powers" to spread hatred and judgment across the world, like what you are doing when you say that it's nasty and I am a weird girl for doing it. I would just like to be left alone in my actions.

Have a nice day.  


  1. Yeah, I chew on stuff a lot,too. Like, a lot of the stuff up there. Habit twins for life!

  2. I see you posted at 6:05 AM. You are a wonder for all of us to behold! I would bow, but I'm on the floor, because that's where the heater is! *Limpwrists for things we have in common!*

    Thank you, Kelsey The Great!

  3. I also chew a lot of the things that you do. But I'm a germaphobe so I'm careful about where I get them from. I chew the part of my stylus that attaches to the string, cause I'm always scared that if the white part comes out I might not be able to get it back in or something. And I chew paperclips a lot. And when I was like 8 I finally stopped sucking my toes (I know, I'm gross). If I'm wearing rubber bands for my braces then I try to chew them (while they're attached to my teeth. It's harder than it looks.
    But yeah, I think most people have an oral fixation.