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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Intangible Transformation Attempts

*Unusual language lies ahead. As well as horribly-constructed expressed ideas.*

I'm trying to put my thoughts into this jumbled mess is a physical representation of what goes on in my mind.….trying to "transform" intangibility itself into something we can make sense of.

Ok, so I recently conducted a mini-experiment. It wasn't planned...not really an experiment at all, but it opened my eyes to how we see others. And I guess it's not an isolated experiment, either, it's more...a gradual realization that I choose to consolidate. The result is basically the fact that humanity is perfect. In the eyes of a teenager who has yet to see all aspects of humanity, it is perfect. That being said, my definition of perfect is far from what the majority consider it to be. For me, "perfect" just describes an existence where all beings can live together. That's just it. They don't have to live together without issues. Issues are inevitable. Issues make this whole scheme...perfect. That's just it. In this sense, we CAN achieve perfection if we drastically alter its definition. This is not going to make much sense, I promise. I would really just appreciate the hell out of you if you kept reading it, though.

There are so many things I hate about myself. I mean, the things that I do. I never think things through. Yes, and that is what I hate. I don't hate myself, I just hate what my lack of thinking leads me to do. For instance, I am a dick. A huge douchebaggety bitchy dick. I'm inconsiderate at times and I crush the feelings of some of the people closest to me. That is the thing I hate the most about the things I do. That is the ONE thing I would change about my personality. Then, I would be perfect. But the "normal" version of perfect. In my world, I am perfect. Meaning, I exist, flaws and all, and I can't really do much to change it.

(To all of the people I have screwed over, please let me know this. I'm not going to get mad. I need this as a sort of reminder of how shitty I am being as a person. Ah, and the most important part: I am sorry. I am seriously sorry. Ever spend hours thinking about how pathetic you made your life? Yeah. And it may not amount to much, coming from a 15-year-old, but age doesn't matter.)

Of course, I can change the course of my actions. If I paused for a while and thought about what I do and what I will do in the future, maybe I wouldn't be such a dick. I would be a pussy. I hate using that word. I hate using both words. One day this will get found, maybe if I become famous or something, and this will bring down my career. Like if I starred in a children's Jesus show. I'd get fired.

See, normal perfect means keeping a nice balance between aggression and passiveness. I wonder why it isn't "passion." Or maybe it is. In fact, I will try to tie it in now. Ok, "aggression" is seen as directness. I don't know, it's like, aggressive people are seen as openly confrontational. They will go out there themselves and get what they desire. And I guess passion is similar, but more positive. Damn it, I'm not in the right mindset to attempt to analyze these concepts...I'll leave this for later. But again, I'm going with a theme of not editing anything. So. Yes.

Anyway, yes, you are perfect. Perfect still sucks, but it is what it is. Instead of making the idea of perfection something that can never be attained, we can bend it to accurately portray humanity as a whole.

And I guess now is as good a time as any to tie in religion. Again, this would kill my potential career in religious children's shows. But I've had the notion of Jesus' perfection being shoved down my throat since 1st grade. I don't believe it now. Perhaps there is a greater being, but many try to make him human. Too human. First of all, this supposed greater being should not hate. So all of this stuff about it hating Japan, homosexuals, and black people is bullshit. For me, if any supreme being exists, it should be the culmination of all things great and grand in this world, in terms of power. And NO, that does not mean money or social status. It's just love. Family, friends, that sort of thing Simple as that. And while prayer does boost spirits, and for some may serve as self-affirmation, praying to a too-human-deity is not my thing.

WHAT the hell did I just do? I don't know. I'm sorry. This offended people. I know. But very few people read this, which is probably for the better. We all have opinions, yes? Ok. I'm sorry. 


  1. Sorry, I haven't logged on in a while, so this is the first I'm seeing of this.

    Let me start off by saying that you are a great writer. I don't care what you think of your writing, I love it. You're always able to convey your thoughts and ideas in very clear, ways.
    Secondly, I just really respect you. Not in a joking way. I honestly respsect you. Instead of just writing what other want to here on here, you write what is on your mind. And I am really glad you do that, it makes me see the things you talk from a different perspective. And, although sometiems I see things differently, your ideas make me see the world from an angle that I had never seen before. Plus, you obviously put so much thought into your blogs.

    And now: You might just brush this off and think that I am just saying this to be polite, but when I say this, I am being 100% genuine, okay? You can talk to me about any of this stuff. I understand that you might not want to because you might not feel comforrable talking about it with me, and I completely understand that. But, in all seriousness, if you even need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you. And if not me, there's Sarah (who is just an all around amazing person to talk to about stuff like this) and all sorts of other people.

  2. I like how you say your mind. I wouldn't want some highly edited made for the public stuff. I like your thoughts, not what you've deemed acceptable for public viewing. I understand that to some degree we probably all do that, like we'll write up a post and then deem it too "weird" and not post it or something.
    I also agree for the most part that we, and I mean we like our group of friends, are for the most part perfect. I'm not talking about always being sweet and nice to each other, or looking the way we "should" (according to society, I think everybody in our group looks the way they should). I mean we sometimes fight, but if we get over it (because I realize sometimes we don't make up) it really helps our relationship. I personally try to not fight because I have issues making up, but I do realize that testing boundaries sort of makes it easier to get along. If that made any sense....
    Also, I found this easy to understand, but I may not have understood what you were trying to convey. But I think I did!
    I agree with Kels, You can always talk to me, or her. We're here for you. I love you!

    @Kels - What the hell where you doing up at 6:48 on a weekend?!?!?!?!?!?!

  3. Ah, hello. I'm going to address you in one reply, but I hope it doesn't take away from the specialness. Thank you for reading and commenting, and I also appreciate your reactions. :)

    You know how people do certain things when they are emotional? That's basically what my posts are, unless they are truly random events that would be interesting to share. For that reason, I am glad you chose to read both kinds, and on top of that, I appreciate your openness to listening.

    I have the feeling that we shall all look back on this, and everything else and...sit back...and smile. Not saying anything, just smiling.