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Monday, March 28, 2011

Oh.

Have you ever felt really ugly? Have you ever felt like everyone else in this world is so much better than you are? That no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you have a slight bit of amazing in you, it won't matter? Like, you'll look into a mirror, throw on a shitload of make-up, smile, and it still won't be enough? Maybe someone said something to you, and they didn't realize how much it would affect you.

I know I'm really sappy. A lot of people don't like that. I know. It's just me. But out of freaking nowhere, a wave of emotions hit me and it's so pathetic. I'm still on the hallway floor, by the way, typing away. I just feel really ugly. Like some girls can just go out into the world without doing anything. And they get everything, people comment on how beautiful they are, just randomly. And I'm here having a fucking breakdown out of fucking nowhere. I just feel really ugly right now. And I'll admit it, I can't even breathe straight for more than 3 seconds. Fuck it.

I can't force myself to look into a mirror, now, either. Like you know those inspirational stories about people looking into mirrors and suddenly "finding" themselves? I can't do it. I just feel...lame.

I see why so many people have self-esteem problems. I guess I do too, it's just...I can rely on "fashion" to make up for it, or humor at times. But in this world, overall "prettiness" counts for more, it seems. I used to not mind it. Like, I know some people are just naturally radiant and wonderful and confident. I guess this is what happens when I'm left alone with my thoughts. I start to tear myself apart, emotionally. That's why I need people with me.

I think I'm overreacting. I don't even know where this came from. I was trying to finish my drawing assignment, and I just thought about it. How perfect some people have it. And I compare every little thing. Not just looks, or whatever. I overthink. I hate my mind sometimes. No... I hate what it comes up with. God, my head is starting to hurt.

Sometimes I wish for the day when everyone I am surrounded by will be old and wrinkly, because then we'd all be the same, and in that case, everything *will* rely on personality. Not that my personality is perfect, either. I'm sorry...

I've calmed down now. Writing is calming. This'll clear up, it happens, Life happens, everyone moves on, you know? It's not hormonal either. I've timed it. Yeah, it's stupid, I know. Perhaps some chocolate and soft rock will help?

I'm oversensitive. No I'm not.

Hm. Plus side? I finished my homework. Huge accomplishment. What else? I'm surrounded by wonderful people. And...and? I plan on buying a little purple ukelele. I want to thank all of those who clarified that they are essentially mini guitars, but ukelele sounds more fun. I plan on starting up a music career from this. Micaela and her lil' ukelele. The songs would be folk ballads describing life in the 1990s, just because.

When I get my ukelele, I will name it, too. It will be an awesome name. I know it. I can feel it. You know why ukelele's are so calming? No one could possibly feel ugly with a ukelele in their hands.

6 comments:

  1. OMG are you my secret twin? I totally get what your saying. Enough said cos sometimes it's impossible to say how I feel about myself. =) Hang in there.

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  2. First of all, I think you're beautiful inside and out and I don't even care if that sounds fake because it is 100% truth. I really love your eyes and how they crinkle up when you laugh and your smile can just brighten my day. And I also love how I can talk about serious stuff with you. I mean, talking about sex and other teenage things is fun, but it takes a good friend and a strong person to actually talk about life.

    Okay.

    Ukulele's are different that guitars. Just saying. They only have 4 strings, while guitars have 6.

    That is all. :)

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  3. I know how you feel. For me I feel like some of those girls just wake up looking fucking perfect, and how they get boyfriends so easily. And they just have their whole life so easy. I mean, my life is easy in some aspects, I go to a super nice school and I don't have trouble with my classes, but I have horrible self-esteem issues. Like really bad.
    In middle school I was the only new girl (literally, it started in day care) and all the other girls were bestest friends and they didn't like me. And in 7th grade I was put in the same class as the rich boy in our class, Guillame. He had been raised as a spoilt brat and that if you like somebody you show it by being mean to them. So he tore me down day after day, calling me names and turning the other kids against me. He never touched me though, he wouldn't shove me, or block my way in the hall. None of that. Frankly I would've preferred that. He instead told everybody that I was pretty much to disgusting to touch and I went through the rest of middle school without friends due to him. I don't think he even realized how much he was hurting me, or what an effect he had on the other kids. Because he later asked me out, and was *genuinely* surprised when I said no.
    Sometimes I'll be stalking my friends, and I'll notice that on almost all of their profile pictures somebody has said some variation of "you look so pretty!" and then I'll realize how rare it is people say that on my pictures. But when somebody does say it, it makes my week. Legitimately, my entire week.
    And about the inspirational mirror looking thing. I know what you mean. I read those secrets on SBS and I'll see one that's talking about how they all of the sudden realized they're pretty and now they're all better and I just can't ever see that happening to me. I look in the mirror to apply acne meds and brush my hair, but the rest of the time I try to avoid looking in mirrors, because I compare myself to other people.
    I think that the naturally pretty people seem even prettier because people always tell them they look so pretty, they don't get as much hate and so they believe it and they have that confidence that shines out.

    You know what I've decided. All of that despair we sometimes feel, is just caused by dementors, and so we just need to focus on a happy thought and eat some chocolate and it'll make it better after a while.

    PS - you better bring that ukulele to school one day.

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  4. To all- my Chrome messed up and I lost the reply to your comments, so I will try again!

    @Lovably17: Thank you for reading and commenting! :) And, agh, it seems like imperfection is a part of life, no matter how much we think it brings us down. Oh, might as well enjoy it. Thank you, again :)

    @Kelsey THE GREATEST: Thank you, too, for reading and commenting! I do this a lot, you know, the compliment exchange. But not because I think I HAVE to, it's because I feel like people should be reminded of the things that they seem to do without noticing it themselves. And don't be weirded out, ok? Hehe. Kelsey the G can walk into a room, homeroom, math, whatever, and elicit a smile. Kelsey the G is adorable. Even if you think yo' hurr is not luscious, it is luscious. Plus, you remind me of cookies and hugs. Must I continue with a psychotic rant on how nothing on this earth can top the combination of cookies and hugs? MUST I? Ah, and thank you for clarifying...this may change things...

    @Sarah: Hello, PRINCESS. I thank you, too, for reading and commenting! Boys are jerks, they can only be enjoyed in moderation, sometimes they smell like sweat and not mild sweat, but the type of sweat that only hairy men could be proud of. That somehow reminds me of Nebraska... Anyway, I find it hard to believe that you could think that of yourself :( And...I'm not just saying this, the whole compliment exchange thing, but I. Have. Never. Seen. Acne. On. You. Ever. I used single words for emphasis. Like seriously. Your complexion is flawless, beautiful, dude. Sarah Lach. Seriously. I'm like...yeah. Ok? Ok. And your hair is luscious, too, as Kelsey's is. REJOICE. JUBILATE. Is there anything chocolate cannot fix???

    Thank you all again. :)

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  5. Boys are jerks. I've mostly sworn off them, but sometimes I still miss them.
    Hairy man stench. The hair prevents the axe from applying correctly, and that's why they have the spray kind. Unfortunately, nobody uses it because it's associated with 7th grade boys and locker rooms smelling like absolute shit. So yeah, it makes me think of Nebraska too.
    Thank you very much. I used to have really bad acne so you don't know how good that makes me feel. (seriously, look at my old profile pictures, 10th from last is a great example (like if you count each one it's number 10))
    Chocolate cannot fix a pregnancy if you don't want one, or it cannot make one if you do want them. But that's all it can't do.
    Just out of curiosity's sake, what is it that you don't find pretty about yourself? Because while I was writing this, I was thinking about what you could've seen to think you were ugly and I honestly couldn't come up with anything.

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