Have you ever felt really ugly? Have you ever felt like everyone else in this world is so much better than you are? That no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you have a slight bit of amazing in you, it won't matter? Like, you'll look into a mirror, throw on a shitload of make-up, smile, and it still won't be enough? Maybe someone said something to you, and they didn't realize how much it would affect you.
I know I'm really sappy. A lot of people don't like that. I know. It's just me. But out of freaking nowhere, a wave of emotions hit me and it's so pathetic. I'm still on the hallway floor, by the way, typing away. I just feel really ugly. Like some girls can just go out into the world without doing anything. And they get everything, people comment on how beautiful they are, just randomly. And I'm here having a fucking breakdown out of fucking nowhere. I just feel really ugly right now. And I'll admit it, I can't even breathe straight for more than 3 seconds. Fuck it.
I can't force myself to look into a mirror, now, either. Like you know those inspirational stories about people looking into mirrors and suddenly "finding" themselves? I can't do it. I just feel...lame.
I see why so many people have self-esteem problems. I guess I do too, it's just...I can rely on "fashion" to make up for it, or humor at times. But in this world, overall "prettiness" counts for more, it seems. I used to not mind it. Like, I know some people are just naturally radiant and wonderful and confident. I guess this is what happens when I'm left alone with my thoughts. I start to tear myself apart, emotionally. That's why I need people with me.
I think I'm overreacting. I don't even know where this came from. I was trying to finish my drawing assignment, and I just thought about it. How perfect some people have it. And I compare every little thing. Not just looks, or whatever. I overthink. I hate my mind sometimes. No... I hate what it comes up with. God, my head is starting to hurt.
Sometimes I wish for the day when everyone I am surrounded by will be old and wrinkly, because then we'd all be the same, and in that case, everything *will* rely on personality. Not that my personality is perfect, either. I'm sorry...
I've calmed down now. Writing is calming. This'll clear up, it happens, Life happens, everyone moves on, you know? It's not hormonal either. I've timed it. Yeah, it's stupid, I know. Perhaps some chocolate and soft rock will help?
I'm oversensitive. No I'm not.
Hm. Plus side? I finished my homework. Huge accomplishment. What else? I'm surrounded by wonderful people. And...and? I plan on buying a little purple ukelele. I want to thank all of those who clarified that they are essentially mini guitars, but ukelele sounds more fun. I plan on starting up a music career from this. Micaela and her lil' ukelele. The songs would be folk ballads describing life in the 1990s, just because.
When I get my ukelele, I will name it, too. It will be an awesome name. I know it. I can feel it. You know why ukelele's are so calming? No one could possibly feel ugly with a ukelele in their hands.