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Monday, March 7, 2011

Screw Life, Just ______

*WARNING: This is not nice. I'm taking out my frustrations from the day and letting them out on a screen. I can't scream into a pillow because the last time I did that, my dad yelled at me. He's cool by the way. And he is indirectly related to my frustrations. *

So I've decided to change my life around slowly. It starts with awareness of course, of something that I want to change. For instance, I've gotten lazy over the past two years. Since I've had a shiny computer, it's been so easy to shirk all responsibilities and squat in front of the computer screen. I've come to notice that while it seems relaxing, all it does is waste time. 90% of the time, I am on Facebook. Let's be honest. Nothing happens on Facebook. I don't know why I waste around 3 hours a day drooling at it. Alright, people upload new albums. Check them once. There's no need to go through them 3 times. And someone posted a post to someone else's wall. So what? It doesn't concern me and never will. I have wasted CHUNKS of my life. Like if some divine being threw up my life for some reason, those huge marshmallow/chicken chunks would represent my time on Facebook. So that's one of the major things I will forget. Or try to forget.

I probably should explain why exactly I am doing this. I've gotten tired of doing things just so other people can be happy. Usually that means I have to sacrifice my own happiness, unless the people genuinely care about me. It's easier than you think to tell the difference between people that care and people who are just there to use you for whatever reason. I know people who use others to constantly make themselves feel better. That's heartless. If you do it, stop. Yes, it does piss me off. And that's ok. And then you have people who flat-out use you. Like physically. They try to mask it with lies. It has happened recently. But for me, that makes life sort of thrilling, how so many people are able to take advantage of me, while thinking I don't know what's going on. Well, I don't do anything about it, so I guess it makes no difference. BuT IT WILL NOW.

So I've taken up a new mindset. Screw Life Just _____. In this case, Screw Life, Just Write. I apologize in advance for the extensive use of cuss words. I'm not  going to stop, by the way. I have spent way too much time using Facebook as a window to other peoples' lives that I have forgotten what it's like to just use the internet for relaxation. It's evident in my interactions. The statuses that I post, for instant. There was a time when I would just write whatever I felt like, no matter how harsh it seemed, or how boring it sounded. But now that I am aware that people monitor me, I feel this need to always write things for *them.* Like, on a really shitty day, I won't post about how shitty it is, or how I feel like bursting out into tears. (Not that most people would care, but I only care if the genuine people acknowledge this) Instead, I'll post crap about a stupid little event thrown in with some humor. I feel like it's ridiculously fake.

At this point, I realize I sound like some poor little girl who always needs support. Good. That's who some people are. It's who I am. And again, I'm not going to stop. Screw YOU, Just Live. No, not YOU. By that, I mean society as a whole. The mass that is machine-like in nature.

I have been spending 3 hours a day on Facebook trying to make a few people laugh and gather a few "likes." But it wasn't really "real." Y'know? I mean… it was for *them.* So that's why I'm not doing journalism. Yeah, because journalism is all about writing for the enjoyment of others. I typed up the application and shit, and I edited the entry that they wanted, but I'm not going to send it. That's pretty sucky. Someone already sent an email to Mrs. Miller to recommend me. I appreciate it, but I feel, in a way, that it would get to my head. Even as I type this, I feel like I've made so many first-person references… it sickens me. FOUR REFERENCES in the last sentence. So, I'm sorry for how self-centered this is. Plus, in a high school newspaper, you generally aren't allowed to curse. I've read the articles from the version that came out just today. No.

On a blog, you don't have to worry about editing or length or cursing. I mean, there are very few restrictions. That's sort of why I'm not worrying about going back over this entry and editing it. I edited the fuck out of the last entry. Not doing that again until I damn well feel like it. Oh, another Screw Life Just _______. Yeah, Screw Life, Just Dance. It's shocking how self-conscious one can get even when alone. Like, in my room, when I'm blasting music after a long shitty day, I don't dance. Dancing is calming, no matter how animalistic it looks on the outside. It's human. So I don't care what people think, or what *I* think. I'm going to dance. I'm going to fucking dance.

At this point, you may now envision a crumply bitchy teenager laughing maniacally at a screen.

(EDIT: Shit, I'm sorry for coming across as incredibly bitchy, self-absorbed, snooty, uptight, crazy, rude person. This is one of many to come where I don't go back and soften it up for the reader. I'm sorry.  Mondays.)

Have a dinky little emoticon. <(^.^)> And I mean "dinky" in the cute sense, no matter what UrbanDictionary says. 

1 comment:

  1. I waste so much time on my computer. Email, Twitter, Facebook, blog? Where does all the time go??? I need more time in my life.
    I don't really fit into any of your categories, I don't do stuff just for people, nor do I use people (that much).... I don't use my friends. I hang with you guys cause I like you. You guys make me laugh. And I like that.
    I like this mindset. "Screw Life, Just Live." That probably doesn't make much sense, but what I mean is that I want to live my life for me, not for other people. So yeah.
    Damn, I read farther down and you said that same thing.
    I think you're a good writer, but I agree that writing for the sake of others isn't the same. I write stories for myself, and then I leave them for 3 months, reread them to see if they're crap (which they usually are) and if they aren't, I show them to people.
    I like your lack of editing and stuff. I feel like I'm getting pure, undiluted Micaela, and it's great.