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Saturday, April 23, 2011

Bucket List 2: Plan an Invasion

YES for consistency, and NO, I'm not talking about oatmeal! Oatmeal consistency is important, though. I know it rather late but damn it, I will actually finish something for once in my life. 

We've planned picnics. We've planned parties. We've planned car trips. But most of us have never planned an invasion. And by invasion, I mean total infiltration of the target population.

RULE 1: Choose a challenging enemy.

This is crucial. This decision is going to affect your overall success and the amount of time and money you spend in preparation. This process should take some time, but don't worry. Who can you safely invade with a minimal amount of resistance? Who can you obliterate with the least repercussions? Whose walls will be the easiest to overcome? Whose invasion will look better when you brag to people over a glass of wine and cheese cubes at a future college social?

Pygmy zombies.

I know regular zombies are appearing everywhere in the media. Yet pygmy zombies are dead and gone under the radar, so to speak. I guess they were falling beneath the height requirements for society's entertainment. Or perhaps, the concept of fame and glory just flew over their deteriorating heads. It's time to bring them back into the spotlight. And invade them.

RULE 2: Know the area. Know the inhabitants.

I'll need to know the layout of their fortresses. They tend to reside in heavily wooded areas, along lesser-known rivers. They definitely know the area better, so I should probably hold back on bright uniforms.

RULE 3: Don't go with "pretty," go with functional.

Pygmy zombies love glitter. Who doesn't? That's why you must not wear any.

It would also be stupid to head in there without a vague idea of what the surroundings are like. That's what Google is for. It's risky, but I feel that Wikipedia's information on foreign environments and creatures will suffice. Just to be safe, I'll check out the links at the bottom of the page for additional information. This portion should take at least two weeks. This seems like a no-brainer, but Google Streetview is your best bet. Granted, the area will not have any streets, but the 3-D feature is helpful.

Don't be afraid to simulate the environment. Get familiar with their culture, try their cuisine, listen to their music. This sort of thing doesn't have to be totally serious. Don't you want to be able to look back on this and smile? You could even start a fad in your hometown with catchy slogans on t-shirts with all of the fun stuff you've learned.

After that, I suggest gathering supplies. You should know at this point what it takes to bring the population to their knees. Hopefully no one assumed that the goal of this operation was to eliminate pygmy zombies. Oh no, this is nothing like that. We only want to hear them surrender. Anyway…

RULE 4: Always gather more supplies than you think you will need.

Be sure you have your basics. Enough food to last at least three weeks. Water, water, water. Ropes of various sizes. Maybe some teen magazines to keep you interested during break time. Also, any weaponry if they try to strike back. It is to be expected, in any invasion.

You may think you have all you need. But you are missing one crucial thing. It's so common that we tend to forget about it.

RULE 5: Battle music.

Ladies, I cannot stress how important this is. Imagine heading into a basketball game or an academic event without proper pump-up music. I suggest assigning one of your group members the position of Musical Arrangement Director. They should have at least fifteen songs, two of which are instrumentals. This is a personal preference, but if you want to be a part of my pygmy-zombie-invading group, you must have a love for "The Final Countdown." 

The following rules apply depending on the outcome of your initial attack.

RULE 6: In the case of failure and capture, do NOT taunt pygmy zombies about their shortcomings.

RULE 7: Maintain a calm and professional attitude.

RULE 8: If you get a chance to run away, take it.

RULE 9: Try not to watch any more zombie horror movies on the weekend, because they will only inspire you to write things like this.

RULE 10: In fact, don't watch horror movies at all after 10PM.


  1. I will join you on this conquest!!
    Also, if you google "Pygmy Zombies" it comes up with a bunch of games....
    I would like you to know, that when I was in 3rd grade I planned to take over my school with helicopters and grenade launchers.

  2. WHOOOP- preparations have already begun!

    I googled and I found that oddly adorable. Someone out there took the time to develop this concept. I thought those two words simply looked funny together.

    I wish I knew the third grade you. :D Did that plan ever... follow through?