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Saturday, April 23, 2011

Bucket List 3: Butcher a Hog

Perhaps Robert A. Heinlein does not mean this in the literal sense. I live in Houston. I will not come within 100 miles of a hog until the Rodeo comes around again. Damn it, I would have butchered a hog during Freshman year, had I been in the right Biology class. Perhaps Heinlein does mean a fully-grown hog. Well, I could visualize it…

I would casually walk into a pigpen. Sorry, hogpen. Nonono, wait, the home of the person who dr-that's extremely rude of me, I'm sorry. So, stroll into hogpen. Oh, whoa, no. Hogs are vicious. Stupid, stupid, I know. Okay, I would maintain a nice distance of 20 feet from above from the hog in question.

I would obtain a brick. Or a large rock...stone...boulder. Or maybe a water balloon to stun it momentarily. They'd never see it coming. I heard that pigs...hogs...can't look up. So. I would lure it in my general direction with hog calls. And once it is oriented towards me, I strike.

Let's assume I miss at least three times, because that is very likely to happen. This will give the hog time to charge. But that won't help because I am 20 feet above it. After I release the cheap ammunition, we can expect it to get tired of my stupidity and maybe totter away. Then we have to bring in female hogs.

I don't know what hogs look for in a mate. The leathery skin… the dripping snout… inability to sprint long distances...that works for humans, but what...what about hogs? Or maybe it's horny season and they'll take anything they can get. Humans do that, too.

So I'd lure both of them back after somehow setting them up through a series of wingmen and blind dates. And slaughter them with bricks. BRICKS.

I do not have the mental strength to pull through with this. This is one task I simply cannot complete. It makes me less human. Or does it? Does it really? PSYCHORANT TIME!

Are humans really reliant on our ability to kill other things? Perhaps. We function from the dysfunctions of other species. Meaning, if they cannot defend themselves, they taste good, and the FDA approves, we can eat them. I'm sure humans taste wonderful, but we do not meet the other requirements. Perhaps my opposition of killing a hog stems from my gender...but no. No.

Do you think this is a good reason to just take this of the bucket list? It is a minor redaction. REDACTION. There is a little tub of frosting by my foot!


  1. Perhaps you don't have to kill the hog? Maybe you could just do the dressing of the meat, make it into sausage or something? Yum.

  2. Smart... you are right. There is so much room for interpretation in those three words. Really, only two words, because "a" is an article! I will consult and then THE WORLD WILL SEE.

    Thank you for reading and commenting.