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Friday, April 15, 2011

Damn It.

I hate it when I get mad at the people I love. The ones that do so much for me. They aren't the ones I should get mad at, not at all. But I do it, so often, and I don't know why. I'll admit that most of the time, I will be able to "blame" it on hormones. Or something like that. But in the end, I realize that it's myself.

It starts off as mild annoyance. Every burst of emotion I have starts off as annoyance. Then it turns into silent frustration. I've noticed it happens when no one is paying attention to me. So maybe I'm a bitch who does this crap for attention. I want to figure it out so I can stop it.

I'm an emotional person. Those who know me are aware. I'm not particularly proud of it. But at times, it's what keeps me human. I don't just have the "base" feelings of anger, sadness, and happiness. I guess they come in different varieties. There's mild anger, where I'm a bit pissed at some small thing. And deep sadness, where I "hate" life and "hate" the people in it and "hate" myself. And pure happiness. And at the very extremes of these emotions, the tears fall. I wish people would understand that and accept me.

I cry. Some people think it's weak. I've gotten that before. To my face. Since primary school. If those people are so keen on stopping me from crying, they probably shouldn't say that. I'll cry. I am weak. I know it. What keeps me strong are other people. That's why I rely on them for so much.

I would not be able to make it through this year if it weren't for other people. I don't know if they realize it yet. I haven't really told them. I hope that when I state how amazing or beautiful they are, they believe it, because it is true. That's my small way of saying how much I appreciate them.

That's why it's so stupid for me to get mad at them. When I'm in the act of tearing them apart, emotionally, I don't think. I seldom think when I'm caught up in emotion. I just become a weapon. Barely human, yet entirely so.

You wanna know what the worst part is? Those moments afterwards, where I am alone and have time to think...about..how stupid I was. The regret. The desire to apologize and make things go back to the way they were. The crushing feeling of remorse because I have severed the ties with someone that held onto me the most. And then, what's left is mustering up the courage to ask for forgiveness, and move on. That's hard. It wouldn't have to happen if I actually thought about it.

This is basically dedicated to anyone I've hurt through this... most recently my mother.

I hate, and I can truly say "hate", going to sleep angry at someone. Or going to sleep knowing that someone thinks you hate them. It sounds so overused. But it's true. I hardly see my mom. She has another family and I want her to have a better life and focus on that. So I should cherish the moments I do have with her. I may say a lot of things about my parents. But I will never ever ever call them a disappointment. I figure, once I say that, or once I type that, I won't be able to live it down. Parents make mistakes. So do children.

I'm going to call her soon...

I wish I would have apologized before she left my house. I hate having divorced parents mainly because you never know if one parent is sleeping soundly at night. You can't see them. You don't even know if they made it home safely. If I get married, I am making sure that my possible children don't have to go through that.

My head hurts. Humans are destructive.

AGH, let's be a bit more positive, yeah? I plan to start my "Bucket List" posts soon. Yes. It is excited. Feel it. Breathe it. Slice it into little pieces throw it on your salads.

But if you don't like salads, you can throw it on ice cream.

2 comments:

  1. I lash out at my mom a lot. For me, every day, unless he's out of town, I see my dad. But I only see my mom on days that she has me. I don't know why, but I lash out at my mom a lot more. Sad cause I got a bad grade on a test? Lash out. Angry because Ruth said something? Lash out. I hate it too. Usually she understands that something else is going on, but I know that it still hurts her feelings that I take it out on her. I feel horrible for doing it, and sometimes we'll get in a fight in the morning before school, and I won't see her for around another 5 days, so I'll call her and apologize and feel awful about it.

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  2. I wish to start of by saying that crying doesn't mean you're weak. People who say that are stupid. Handling your emotions is never a weak thing to do. It's really difficult and sometimes crying is the only thing that can help.
    I hate to admit it, but I'm also really mean to my parents. My dad, specifically. I know exactly how you feel. I've gone to bed just totally disappointed in myself because something that I've said to him. But I assure you that your parents will always love you. They may get mad at you and yell or just piss you off, but there is almost no possible way to break the bond between parent and child.
    Oh, and I love you , too. Just putting that out there. Seriously.

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