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Thursday, May 26, 2011

L...

Is for the way you look at me.

"Love" is a verb that is used too much and not enough. There is no flat-out wrong way to use it, people just have various "levels" of it, I guess. I love writing. I love chocolate. I love having a computer. I love communicating with the people I enjoy. I love the people I enjoy.

I just announce what I truly love when it gets to the more serious part of the spectrum. I hope this makes sense. Essentially, I have problems telling people I love them. I have problems expressing closeness, too, such as hugs and whatever else happens in an all-girl's school. That includes other things, but the fear in that case is justifiable.

I guess I can start with eye contact, since you are supposed to be able to do that with strangers. It's the first physical sign that you are interacting with someone and you are actually paying attention. It can make or break a first impression. To this day, I wonder if my lack of eye contact has made people feel like I was snobby or that I just didn't like them. Sorry. I don't know why I can't make eye contact. It's not like I'm scared. I do this with parents, too. Damn it, my own parents, I can't make eye contact with my own parents. I put on this eye makeup and whatever and I can't even look at a person in the freakin' eye.  Some people have really pretty eyes, too, and that's terrible to miss.

I've tried to work on it, but every single time I *think* about it, I just think and think and think about it and it becomes uncomfortable. The one time I AM able to keep eye contact, it's with a person who has the same damn eye thing. She ended up looking away a lot because that's just her thing, like it is my thing. We probably ended up looking like a bunch of goddamn idiots who were hating the conversation. It was a meaningful conversation, too! We were expressing our general disgust for busy work. Looking back, it's the sort of conversation middle-aged friends would have after not seeing each other since college. I'll work on it some more… I just wish it would come naturally. It's a human thing. It should not even be thought about.

O is for the only one I see.

I like it when a conversation is carried between people who, for this brief moment of human interaction, are only paying attention to the people involved. I believe that it is during these moments where human reach a point of clarity and understanding with one another. Our minds are a collection of nervous activity, I believe, and it's just fascinating to think that another human is experiencing the same neural reactions as you are. Regardless of how much I seem to avoid your eyes, I like being able to talk. It's deep, man. I attempt to make up for my eye crap by trying to get what's going on in other people's heads. Of course it's seldom correct. But I like to listen.

I cannot stress how important it is to listen to someone else. Gosh.  I read a forum post on how one guy shut up for a whole month, and did nothing but laugh and listen. He would only speak in Spanish, if need be. People found that they were comfortable with him. He actually began to care about others, instead of figuring out a way to say something about his OWN life.

It's a fact, people love to talk about themselves. People also love to talk about other people, and people like to hear about other people. But it's mostly ourselves. People also seem to show off their knowledge, or whatever other talents they have. It's knowledge that seems to be the one with the most words. It reaches a point where the listeners tune you out. They go through the motions of listening, the nodding, the "mmhm", the "oh" and it gradually comes to an end. One-sided conversations make both sides look foolish. I like talking WITH people, not TO people, same as I like being talked with. I don't want a lecture in which one is trying to make me seem stupid. I am the only person who can make me look stupid. If others attempt to, it's easy to play it off and seem cool, mysterious, and sexually appeasing. True facts.

V is very very… my gosh this post is not really flowing as well as I thought it would. See, the purpose was to go down and address why I acted like I did. It's just a muddle of thoughts. Oh. Oh.

Extraordinary.

I'll jump to physical human contact now. Hugs. This is a perfectly good reason; I was just never hugged as a child. I was really shocked when I came to high school and everyone was just all about hugs and linking arms. I didn't know how to respond, and even now I find it difficult for me to fully return a hug. It's like the eye contact thing, but the next level with people you are closer to. Hugs fell good, that's an empirical fact, scientifically proven. But they are like contact lenses. You have to get used to them and they have to be the right prescription from the right brand. Glomps from friends are fine, but I'ma send a ho to hell if they attack me as a stranger. It's part of the reason I am not attending anymore anime conventions. You read horror stories about people getting glomped by total STRANGERS. Nope. From friends, I've just learned to accept it, and it is no longer an issue, nor was it really a major one. Just from strangers… Lordy. You eventually get comfortable enough with your contact lenses that you can just wake up and be all fine and stuff with slipping them in. Those are like friend hugs. That's cool, that's fine. But imagine picking up contacts from the floor and putting them into your eye. No. It's a no.

I still don't know how to initiate a hug. When I came back to school after the summer, a friend and I planned to hug. We both overthought it and it was awkward. We never hugged again. On the first day back, later on, a girl hugged me. Total stranger. Or so I thought. I thought it was a girl who didn't like me last year. I was like "damn." and then I realized she was my 8th grade friend. So it was like "'kay, cool." Damn hugs. I do like hugs though. I like them now. They make me feel happy.

E is even more than anyone that you adore can
...
Love is all that I can give to you.

No. Not really. It's really hard for me to just announce that. I do love my friends. I can type that with ease. They are family. Not "like" family. They are family. But I really can't just go and announce that. Again with the overthinking. It's so odd to be able to tell who is saying it just for fun, or who actually means it.

I gave someone the homework numbers for something this year and they said they loved me. Bitch please. You don't love me. You don't even know me. The hell you thinking about? We haven't even had a damn conversation. You don't love me. I gave someone a pencil, too. "Oh my gosh, love you." No. You don't. Stop saying that to me. "Thank you," is fine, it's perfect. Maybe a smile. As long as you don't lie to my face.

I am pissed at that, yes. It's supposed to be special, is it not? Maybe it's the all-girl schooling set-up that brings up this situation. Maybe I'm being a hard-ass. My response to the people who claim to love me for doing something simple… a smile. Nothing else. I hope that they see the bubbling overreaction to their girly declarations behind it. I hope they can read the rage behind my crinkled pseudoAsian eyes. I don't even know if "pseudo" was used correctly there, but it sounds cool. Dictionary.com sort of messes it up, but for the sake of this post, please don't go there.

That's why I never say "I love you back." Or if I do, I feel weird while saying it. I know some are genuine, but I've never had the practice with saying it. Just like hugs. Chances are, if you are reading this, you already know that I consider you one of the people I consider family. Unless you are that i_love_weed guy. He never comments anymore and it... it hurts, i_love_weed. I miss you. I'm not going to say I love you because all you did was leave a comment on a post I made. I DON'T LOVE YOU, i_love_weed, I can't love you. I sort of expect you to one day pop up out of nowhere and leave a particularly nasty comment. I will be forced to mention you once again, and twist your words into something nice, like a backhanded compliment. 

Don't get me wrong, I had a normal childhood. It was just void of hugs and eye contact and "I love you". I think more harm would have been done if my parents starved me of all attention. You know how kids seek out the things that were kept form them? Who knows, I could become a jump-hugger who glares at people, loving every single thing that they do. I love you the way you read this sentence. And I like the way you managed to finish reading this post. Jump-hugging is like glomping, but with more airtime. You have to be able to leap up, spot your target while in air, float, and squeeze. Float and squeeze.  

Ladies, and gentlemen, but mostly ladies…

SUMMER 2011. 

3 comments:

  1. I'm about to die from tiredness, so I can't leave a decent comment at the moment, and for that I appologize.
    I really enjoyed this post. It gave a new perspective to love and whatnot.
    Keep up the great job.
    Have a wond'rous summer!

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  2. I really enjoy your writing, Micaela. I like your style and, believe it or not, the flow of your writing. You are refreshing, and you tell it straight Please keep writing, so I can keep reading.

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  3. Let me just say first, that this is my favorite line (there are two, but it doesn't make sense without context): "I have problems expressing closeness, too, such as hugs and whatever else happens in an all-girl's school. That includes other things, but the fear in that case is justifiable."
    Second, that this is an awesome idea. During my sophomore retreat, my group leader (I want to call her Gabby, but since I never learned her name I know that's wrong...) told me there were 5 signs of love. And the different signs showed different degrees. Like physical (get your mind out of the gutter) as in hugs and stuff. And then verbal, saying I love you. I'm a very touchy feely person. The rest of my family isn't as much. We hug relatives that we haven't seen in a while. I used to get a hug goodnight (by demand up until 7th grade) every night from my dad. But I've always been the person who would randomly come up and just hug somebody. And my parents/brother would yell at me, get off Sarah, not right now. But I always liked physical contact. I like hugs from strangers, but not glomps. Nope. Unless I'm doing the glomping...
    Saying I love you has always been a big part of my life. I say it almost every time I hang up the phone, or leave the house. I went through a phase of trying to 'surprise' my mom by saying "guess what mommy??" and waiting for her to say "what" before I yelled out "I love you!" (I was around 6.) But last year I started thinking that I say it too often. So now, if I say it to you, I really mean it. I love you Micaela. I really do. And Kelsey and Elizabeth. You guys are fantastic, I love you. I don't like it when people use it for trite things. Like is a perfectly acceptable adjective, and you do not *love* every single person who does something nice for you.
    Eye contact. I used to have issues with it too. Then I started getting in trouble at school. Adults, teachers, principals, (my stepmom) and the like tried to intimidate me by giving me this deep look into my eyes. And at first I had to look away. But now, I'm proud to say that I can hold my gaze against fearsome adults giving you that "you should feel awful you've done something terrible, look at yourself" stare. I get it a lot.
    Listen. I feel like I don't do enough listening. I'm trying to do more. One thing I think I don't do (I sincerely hope I don't, and if I do I feel shitty about it afterwards) is start talking about my issues when people come to me about theirs. That's the worst time you can be self absorbed. Unless you're commiserating. But I was talking to a girl once about something going on in my life and she nodding and then changed the subject to how she should cut her hair. Her hair. I stopped being friends with her. I think I'd like to try not talking. I went through a stage of trying to have SM (selective muteness, where you're mute in certain situations, like only at home, or school, or whenever there are females around or whatever). But I couldn't keep it up. I actually went through most of 6th grade without talking though. Once a teacher called on me and asked me "Could you please read _____" and I said "no." and some other girl in the class was like "WTH SARAH, YOU CAN'T SAY NO TO A TEACHER!!! SHE ASKED YOU TO READ!!!" and I said "well I don't want to." So I didn't. But now I'm talking about myself again *sigh*
    Oh well, this was fabulous, I really enjoyed this post. Thank you for writing it, and keep it up.
    PS. Sorry it's so late....

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