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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

...Crap.

I don't know what I want to do with life. I thought it was psychology, but everyone tells me that no one makes any money in the area. So as much as I like it, I do want to be able to support myself on my own. And then you have the other people who say, "just go with what you like, you'll eventually be successful." Well. That should work out, right? But I'm skeptical. I just wish that I had a clear idea in mind. I wish I could confidently announce to someone that I want to do blahblah or become a blaaaah. And I wish I could say that knowing that I would do well.

I do NOT want to work for somebody else. I don't want to work under anyone. Of course I'll have jobs like that starting out, especially as an adolescent, and I will definitely treasure those for work and life experience. But I do not want to stay there. Every. Single. Day. Of my life. My father has complained about how much he hates the people at his job. it pays well, but he is not enjoying it. I wish he didn't have to go through it, mostly for his own health and well-being. But honestly, it's also because I really don't like hearing complaints every single day. It has taught me what to avoid.

So. I want to be my own person. Hard part? What kind? I have also been looking into sociology but damn it. "There is no money in that sort of thing," one of my mother's co-workers mentioned. She continued to go on about her daughter andher maaaany achievements, and I sat uncomfortably and smiled, and attempted to use big words to look smart. Yes, this lady bragged about her kid in front of a kid who is younger than her. People like to do that.

So, next up was psychiatry. It pays well, yeah. But I want to feel that same passion I felt about psychology and sociology. It hasn't hit me. It might hit me, but it hasn't yet. Plus, the good schools for psychiatry are all out of Texas.

I forgot about the whole money-making thing. How much is enough? How much will I be happy with? Let's see. I don't currently have a love interest, and to be honest, the hopes of finding one soon that will stay with me through college is low. Honest. Part of it is due to my awkwardness, part is due to not being so absorbed with guys and instead attempting to focus on schoolstuffs, and a major part of it is on them and how some people just are not compatible. So right now, having enough money to support a family is not necessary. I don't want to be alone either.

An apartment in a decent area, enough for food, clothing, random bills, car, and maintenance for everything. I read that the average American can get by on $40k a year. Single American, by the way. I am going to be totally honest and say that I would like to have a bit extra to buy cool furniture and clothes. There.

See, I'm freaking the hell out because I didn't grow up with a lot. I go to these huge houses and I feel like I have to hide my own. That's why I will probably never invite anyone to my house. I had a close encounter this year, but I wiggled out of it.

So. Back to more boring stuff. I really like Rice. Mainly for the prestige. "Harvard of the South." That's great and all, but I would have to work my ass of to get a scholarship. No way my family can afford it. It's scholarship or nothing. Can I do it? I don't know. I don't even know if I want to anymore. But you know what else? I also want to do it for a wrong reason. I want to do it to prove someone wrong. They keep on telling me that it would not be a good fit for me. While I do appreciate their opinion, I really freaking like the school. It may be due to the fact that my dad has been taking me there since I was a toddler. We have their merchandise and none of us has taken a class on their campus before. Creepy? No. I want to say it's motivation, but I can't consider it that unless I actually want it.

And there's UT. It's just there, but again, like Rice, I have not really grown a super strong liking for it. I just like it because everyone seems to know about it. And though I do not want to admit it, that is not supposed to be a major reason to choose a college. According to...I honestly don't know. I mean, HAHA it's my choice right? RIGHT?

I just want to be happy. I don't want to be another "average" American, but then something pops up and say that it is alright. I don't have to be super special. I just want to have a stable life. And I'm just TIREEEDDDD of people telling me about themselves and how aweseom they are and how awesome their kids are. If they truly are awesome, I'll know soon enough. I'm also tired of people telling me that I can't go to blaaaaaahhhhh because it's too good for me. FFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

This is sounding really weird? Good. I'm feeling really really weird right now. I'm just so confused with myself about life and what's going to happen because DAMN IT, high school is almost over and bam there is college. High school is almost over. SAT. Admissions. Leaving the home I've lived in. Leaving my freaking family. I want to scream right now of talk to somebody but everyone is asleep in my house and it is 11:something PM.

And I'm not suuuper freaked out. It's just like an annoying buzzing feeling. It's just...I want to be somewhere, and I'm not sure if I am able to get there...

So yeah.

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