I'm just going to jump right in and list a few of the things that make me curl up and wish the world were void of life altogether.
- Roaches. I cannot even look at their Wikipedia page. I cannot summon up enough mental strength to propel my fingers to navigate down that page. I tried looking at it once, the very week before final testing, and it threw me off my flow. My flow. There is one in my bathroom now, freshly slaughtered by the heavy foot of my father. Ok, ok, it has been there.. a while. I cannot even stand to pick them up. I am afraid of hearing that...crunch. Feeling the squishiness... like a potato chip encasing Jell-O. Many people have heard this, but one crawled on my face during the ONE TIME I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAFE. I just ask that we all close our eyes in twisted respect.
- Having someone close to me suddenly disappear without sharing a pleasant moment. You know that phrase about never going to sleep while you are mad at someone? The originator knew what he or she meant. On a related note, we take face-to-face contact for granted. I would prefer that my last words to the people I love were heard by the very ears of those people. Not over a phone or Facebook.
- Being shot in a sketchy area. That speaks for itself. I don't know what I am going to do when I'm all grown up and Daddy and Mommy are nowhere around to protect me.
- Follow up on 3... growing up. I do not want to grow up, damn it. I want to be back in elementary school. I want all of this responsibility to just vanish. I don't want to move out of my parent's house. I don't want something to happen to them when I am gone. I want to go back to that time where I didn't really know about death, leaving, divorce, illness, arguments. I don't want to be an adult.
- Another follow up... I don't want to drive. I mean, I do want to drive, but I feel like once I learn how, more adulty things will follow. When I do start to drive, I'm going to make racecar sounds whenever I speed up or turn. I'm also going to fill my cup holder with a crapload of coins and cash in case I need to donate to homeless people or pay a toll. I don't want to crash. No matter how careful I am, there are always other people on the roads. That's true when my parents drove me around, but at least they are going to be there if something happens. I have a feeling that after my driving test, the night I get home from it, I will just weep into my pillow. Joy and absolute fear.
- I don't want to graduate. I wish I could stay at my current high school with all of the same people and teachers. But I know I can't. I have to learn to accept change. I'm afraid of change.
- Living alone. What if I slip on something? What if there is a roach and I'm too short to reach it and my broom is right underneath it? What if someone breaks in? What if I start a fire with my poor cooking skills?
- Finding someone. Well hey, at least I won't be living alone (maybe), but still. What if he cheats? What if he leaves? What if he dies? What if we fall out of love? What if I piss him off so much he cannot stand to be near me?
- Mayke kids. I love them. But if I have them, I will have to go through raising them correctly, protecting them like my parents did for me, buying clothes, food, an education. What if I mess up and they turn out spoiled? What if they run away form home? What happens when they turn 18 and want to leave their mommy? I am not eager about leaving my home yet. This is bringing me to tears.
- Sleep paralysis. You are about to go to sleep. You start to doze off. suddenly, you are wide awake but you cannot move a freaking muscle. You can move your eyes and breathe. You see a shape in the corner and hear whispering voices. You try to scream. You cannot. You try anything, everything. Finally, you move your arm and break the spell. Scariest freaking thing. I have experienced it twice. To some, it may sound made up. No. The second time, I was frozen, as before, but I heard the sound of a shopping cart. It sounded normal until I realized that my room has carpet and no shopping cart within a 60 mile radius. Sleep paralysis is basically feeling extremely vulnerable while weird things that shouldn't be happening... are happening.
- Losing someone over something stupid. Or hurting someone a lot because of stupid stupid stupid things I've said. To the point where an apology is like dragging your own half-alive body through a football field.
- Crashing in a plane. I don't like traveling for this reason.
- Divorce and all of the things that follow its destructive path. Those with parents who are still together, be grateful. Please don't complain about how mushy they are. Don't whine about how cute they try to be sometimes. I would do anything for that. When it happened, my sister and I tried to get them back together. I don't even remember what exactly we did, but it obviously didn't work. For some time, they lived under the same roof, but it was terrible. Arguments every day. Not just bickering, but hurtful crap. I think that one of the saddest parts of my entire life was watching my mom in her van, making a right out of the driveway, with her last box of belongings. I remember sitting by the huge front window just crying. I then went into the room she stayed in and kept crying. I remember going to our grandmother's house where she lived after she left, and crying again, because she didn't even have a mattress to sleep on. I used to cry when she would visit us. Not at the visit, but when she left us again. I made a promise to myself and my future family. This would never happen. If I do start a family, it will be with a person I love totally, with every ounce of my being. If we fight... when we fight, we are going to work things out. I am not going to let my kids go through the same things I did. This hurts the most. Out of all of the emotional things, this one thing hurts the most.
- Death. The feeling of not knowing what exactly is out there. I've been fed with the promise of an afterlife. As much as I would love to believe, I just think that it will be known when we get there. Hopefully not soon. It's beautiful, in a way. An end to all pain and suffering. No more of the fears I have listed above. I hope to have all of the people I love by my side when I die. Not in a tragic accident, but in a peaceful way. The process of dying, too. Watching and feeling your own body slowing come to an end. Not being as strong and energetic as you once were. It's already happening. Don't ever tell me on my birthday that I'm one step closer to death. I don't want to hear it. It comes when it comes, and I don't need anyone to remind me.
One good thing about crying it that it makes you feel better afterward.
You know what? Lists are fun. More lists.