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Friday, July 15, 2011

Subtle Photobombing.

I saw a bunch of people I went to school with at the latest Harry Potter premiere. You know that awkward obligatory conversation you have when you see someone you haven't spoken to in a long time? Not a person that you'd consider your friends, but just people you used to talk to a lot? It happened a lot.

It starts with that really high-pitched, shocked "HIII!" And then you try to direct the conversation into something that would end quickly, because you guys are in the bathroom, and she's going in, and you're going out. It sounds really rude. Ok, maybe you don't try to do that, but it ends up like that.

I asked one of them which movie they were seeing. Duh. And then we said goodbye. And then after the movie, we met again. Yeah. I also attempted to wave down someone else I know. I sounded sort of happy to see her, and she just said, "hey." Which is cool and stuff.

The rest went through that awkward hug-and-greet thing. One put a picture up on Facebook with my beloved mother in the background. They were both doing that typical bathroom phone-pose. I'm not hating on it, I don't really mind it. But when I saw my mother, I wanted to laugh.

It's not a bad picture of her, it was just really shocking. She's all blurry and such.

These recent posts are kind of really odd.

String.

Someone mentioned that placing a long piece of string in the corner of your mouth makes you look weird. Yeah, you'd just go up to people while attempting to hold a meaningful conversation, and this long piece fo string would be hanging out of your mouth. I hope that one day, I will have the courage to do this. Maybe the next time I'm hanging out with people in public. Maybe buying stuff at malls.

I could go to Hobby Lobby or Michael's or Target or any other place that sells strings. And I would buy more string while wearing the initial piece. Maybe I'd switch up colors and sizes every day or something. I wonder if people would actually notice. One day this will happen.

I'm thinking about dangling string from the corner of my mouth on the first day back to school. I hope that incoming freshmen will notice. I don't really expect anyone else to join in, because honestly, it sounds really really stupid. Pointless. So I won't ask. Just wanted to make you guys aware of the possibility.

Maybe I'll wear a red string for most of the year, except on one day, where I'll wear a really noticeable black one. Symbolic, really. Don't you think so? I think so. It won't ever reach below my chin. It'll just dangle, like, a centimeter from the corner of my mouth.

Why all this string business? It's because I'm running out of hair flowers and headbands and I haven't been able to find more exciting ones. They mean a lot to me, but I don't feel like re-wearing them this year. It's as important as uniforms and school supplies.

So, it makes some sense, yeah? String in my mouth? To be honest, putting flowers in one's hair probably sounded just as stupid. I have string hanging out right now.

I woke up at 2PM today, and I feel like the day has been wasted and I missed the UPS delivery for my new phone and my hair flowers are running out. First world problems? Oh yeah. Can't complain.

UPDATE: I am now chewing the string and it's a tiny string-ball.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Unmotivated.

I got a score from an important test in the mail a few days ago and I did not do as well as I thought I did. The score that I got was lower than the lowest score I thought I got. This did not bother me as much as the fact that someone else I know thought she did terribly, yet she got a perfect score. A perfect score. She got to celebrate, while I still have yet to tell my parents my actual score. I dodged around their question and said I did a decent job.

I remember her telling me right after the test how she thought she bombed it. She didn't. I did. It has been three days and I feel really pissed at myself. It's like...all of those things people told me about this test not mattering...I don't know. I wanted to get a good score so I could prove...prove something to them. I'm like that. I always want to subtly prove shit to people that they probably won't care about. It's what gives me "happiness."

She's one of my best friends, too. So I'm honestly happy for her. But it makes it hurt more.

That whole "proving" thing? Yeah, it extends into college stuff too. Someone told me that I might not get into Rice. And even if my mind is telling me that other options would be fine too, I seem to have another organ that secretes chemicals that make me want to prove them wrong. It makes me angry when people tell me I can't do something. So fuck you, person.

That organ and my mind are at odds. I don't even know where I want to go now, but that organ is also working with whatever regulates what has been drilled into my head by parents. I feel like I can't settle for anything less, and it's really shitty. I could use cleaner words, yeah. My dad drove me by it the day before I got the scores for that test, and said that we would celebrate if I got into Rice. He would cry.

I say I want it. I think I want it. And it is said that you should trust what your mind is saying in most cases. But what's holding me back is fear of getting rejected, fear of having my smarter best friend get in while I do not, unwillingness to open my mind to other options, and that fucking organ in my body.

It's not going to affect that perosn years from now. And eventually, we'll all be dead. So.

Yeah, really, we'll all be dead. The signals in our brains will stop, because we're dead and all, and our minds are gone. Nothing works now. Love? That goes with the mind too. we're all just atoms and stuff.

I'm so tired. I'm sorr-I'm not. I'm tired.