I got a score from an important test in the mail a few days ago and I did not do as well as I thought I did. The score that I got was lower than the lowest score I thought I got. This did not bother me as much as the fact that someone else I know thought she did terribly, yet she got a perfect score. A perfect score. She got to celebrate, while I still have yet to tell my parents my actual score. I dodged around their question and said I did a decent job.
I remember her telling me right after the test how she thought she bombed it. She didn't. I did. It has been three days and I feel really pissed at myself. It's like...all of those things people told me about this test not mattering...I don't know. I wanted to get a good score so I could prove...prove something to them. I'm like that. I always want to subtly prove shit to people that they probably won't care about. It's what gives me "happiness."
She's one of my best friends, too. So I'm honestly happy for her. But it makes it hurt more.
That whole "proving" thing? Yeah, it extends into college stuff too. Someone told me that I might not get into Rice. And even if my mind is telling me that other options would be fine too, I seem to have another organ that secretes chemicals that make me want to prove them wrong. It makes me angry when people tell me I can't do something. So fuck you, person.
That organ and my mind are at odds. I don't even know where I want to go now, but that organ is also working with whatever regulates what has been drilled into my head by parents. I feel like I can't settle for anything less, and it's really shitty. I could use cleaner words, yeah. My dad drove me by it the day before I got the scores for that test, and said that we would celebrate if I got into Rice. He would cry.
I say I want it. I think I want it. And it is said that you should trust what your mind is saying in most cases. But what's holding me back is fear of getting rejected, fear of having my smarter best friend get in while I do not, unwillingness to open my mind to other options, and that fucking organ in my body.
It's not going to affect that perosn years from now. And eventually, we'll all be dead. So.
Yeah, really, we'll all be dead. The signals in our brains will stop, because we're dead and all, and our minds are gone. Nothing works now. Love? That goes with the mind too. we're all just atoms and stuff.
I'm so tired. I'm sorr-I'm not. I'm tired.