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Saturday, December 15, 2012

A reaction to the recent elementary school shooting in Connecticut.



The question that crosses a lot of minds is, “What kind of human being would do these things?”

I cannot answer that fully, but I can offer this: “A sick one.”

Not “sick ” in the sense that most people are using it, because I feel like the word has definitely lost its meaning in today’s culture. I believe a lot of people do not really know what “sick” should mean.
Humans generally should strive to keep themselves and everyone around them alive. It’s not some bullshit overused friendly saying. I believe that is a part of human nature. Maybe not on a conscious level for most people, and maybe for most there is more of an emphasis on themselves rather than others. But our society today runs on an agreement. Basically, “don’t kill me, I won’t kill you.” It urges people to act for the greater good, or as one of my teachers redefined it, the most people. It might not always be “fair” (and we would have to then define fair and the possibility of it even existing in all of humanity) but it has worked.
In this sense, I think a lot of people believe that those violate this social agreement are sick. Twisted. Something is wrong with them. They don’t act for the greater good. In the end, the shooter ended up killing himself as well, so one might say that he wasn’t even concerned with himself.

It is hard to grasp this, but some people just really do not think the way others do. Some cannot draw certain connections from point to point. This is why some people violate the agreement in the first place. Perhaps they do not see how this is benefiting them at all.

There are people out there who just have no regard for human life or the value of an actual person at all. Some do not see people as high functioning (supposedly) rational animals, but as living objects. The kind of people who make decisions to slaughter innocent people, and the kind of people who would take it a step further and unleash their confusion, frustration, maybe anger out on children.

Actually, as far as intensity of the crime, there is honestly a reaction separation when it comes to the average age of victims. The amount of travesty felt in our nation if this had been done in a retirement home or a hospice might be slightly different. No life should have more of a value on another. But there is a difference. What makes most people, especially myself, incredibly upset is the fact that most of the victims were children. Innocent, unexpecting, as mass shooting victims are, but the difference was that they really had their entire lives ahead of them. Most of them had not even grasped all of the evils of the world yet. Maybe the most they had been exposed to was a bit of animated punching in a Saturday cartoon that they can’t watch anymore.

Most of these victims just were not yet aware of all of the ways humans could hurt.
I look over at my brother, and he is sleeping now on his little bed. And he knows about punching and wrestling and yes, even guns (my uncle took him to see The Dark Knight, and my dad had a very long talk in opposition about it). There’s a rift between those who want to “shelter” their children and those who want to expose theirs so they can be aware. I’ll elaborate on that later. But my brother is a typical child. And if he were in the position that those children faced, I know he would not really know what exactly was going on. This is going to be difficult to type:

He would not be able to process that a human being was in his school, killing his classmates and teachers. He understands what happens during a killing, but not the things behind it and why exactly it is so bad. He would not be able to understand why this person would end the lives of people. He does not yet know the true value of a human life yet. He only knows that some things hurt and that should be avoided. But I do not think he really knows the concept of death. Not just about the concept of death.

If my brother were in a classroom, about to be the next victim on the list, he would be scared, horrified, but I do not think he would actually know he was going to die. He would not know he would lose his life and never see his family again. I think he would just feel pain and he might not run all of his family members through his mind. He would call out for my mother to stop the pain like he does when my sister gets into small fights with him and not really know what would really await him.

I say all of this and it sounds like I am greatly underestimating my brother’s intelligence, along with children in his age range. And maybe some children do consider their actual life and mortality at a young age. But in these statements, I mean they simply do not yet understand mortality on a deep level, they just know the definitions, but not the significance behind them. Growing up is mostly adding more knowledge to the foundations you developed as children.

That is what also makes violence against young children abominable. Be it abuse or something like this. Because the shooter or hitter is ruining the foundation for a child who has yet to discover the world.
There is just something wrong and now millions are finally aware of it. It’s like we keep on getting reminders, except they shouldn't be reminders. Because labeling disasters as reminders means that we must have forgotten about them since the last one happened. Instead, we should be making more progress to eradicate them. But it’s hard. People are working towards it, but the majority just don’t seem to care unless something pops up on the news every few months.

Violence is still glamorized. Life has lost its glory, significance, and meaning. The efforts that people are making do not have enough awareness, which leads to a lack of funding to promote solutions.

Realistically, gun control would hopefully reduce the number of gun crimes. But those who shouldn't have them at all could still find ways of obtaining them. The topic that needs to be addressed is violence in general and that has a lot to do with the mind and how people make violent decisions.

So now we get into mental health, which along with gun control, is controversial. Some people would say that an emphasis on mental health means that people are condoning their crimes and blaming it on something they cannot control. I say that it is to help and the goal is to ultimately end crimes like this. It is not meant to redefine crime and pardon those who commit them. That is assuming mental health played a part, and I argue that it might have because of the nature of this crime- and the shooter’s inability to stop himself before or after he started at any point.

Then again, I know little to nothing about how humans think. I just think I know how they think and how they should.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Now some REAL LIFE stuff


I seriously thought I was going to get kidnapped yesterday. I pulled into my driveway after meeting my mom at a Walgreen's for important business. We met up so we could take my car to practice for the upcoming driving test and we had just gotten back to the meet-up place. So now, home, driveway. But a car was behind me, blocking the exit. I turned off the engine and the lights and stuff and I expected it to go away, but it did not.

My heart felt like an ethnic artist recording The Sounds of Africa: Drums Edition, 50th Anniversary CD. This vessel of sheer terror begins to pull into my driveway. I have this metal pole in the backseat area for protection but at this point I felt helpless.

Then it began to back away and seconds later my dad pulls up with his car and that's when I start crying. And I try to explain the situation to him as we're both getting out and he informs me that the car was my mother's. She had followed me home to make sure I made it back just fine.

I'm trying to stress how important it is to not be stupid like me and be caught unprepared. Apparently, my initial paranoia prevented me from thinking logically and recognizing the car in the dark. It sounds like total bullshit, I don't know how else to put it, but my parents can verify it. I almost peed my pants during this ordeal and after that I felt like throwing up. My parents now think I'm really dumb for not thinking this through and now they dub me emotionally unstable and not ready for the streets. I agree.

Nightmare #2

This was after I went back to sleep.

I was at this fancy dinner party. Volunteering by sitting at a booth with a bunch of other girls. There was a stage right across from us and people were about to go up to perform. Chaos broke out and for some reason, I am now in front of the booth, smiling and pretending that things are alright. I wanted to make the guests feel at ease? 

At the end of it all, I was fired from my booth job. Which is bullshit because I didn't cause any of the trouble and I was volunteering in the first place. But whatever. I walked around and saw one of my friends with some acquaintances, like the class president. One was holding a baby and they were talking. There was a pitcher of water and for some reason I spit in it. Yeah. They were talking about some fancy stuff while I took the water I just spit in for myself and kind of left. 

Ok this dream was kind of incredibly boring, but it featured fruit punch at the end and I swear I could taste it. It was delicious fruit punch.

The end. 

It wasn't really a nightmare, but I was upset about losing  my "job" so. 

Nightmare #1


I had the worst nightmare ever in the entire history of ever forever. I already posted this on tumblr but it's okay.

So, I don't know if people know this, but my worst fear is an actual zombie apocalypse. This started before a lot of people started to get really into it and started to make survival guides and movies. So when I first thought about it, I really felt helpless. I fucking hate zombies. They truly are the worst. They're really your friends and other loved ones, but they want to eat you and like, kill you and all. That's fucking sad. If any of you guys were zombies, I'd try to remember you as you were. Not the creature you had become. Except none of you fuckers would get to eat me. I'd run away. I wouldn't kill you.

Before I go on, I just want to mention that the mind is glorious and terrifying. You can make up some pretty fantastic things on your own, but when you seem to have no control over it, it can feel dangerous. I've had nightmares before. I've had sleep paralysis, which is another thing that people like to call BS on, but it's so real, I almost peed in fear. Respect that. For a while, you are a victim of your mind and it is doing things on its own and you are just left there in your own fear.

At least with roaches and rabid animals, you can actually run away. Because they're real things, they're tangible. But you can't escape from your dreams as easily. You can try to wake up but it doesn't always work before the worst parts.

So moving on. I was in my home. My dad and sister were with me and  our neighborhood was infested with some zombies. They were crawling up and down houses and looking for ways to get in and it was fucking terrifying. I was going around the house, closing all of the blinds. I knew they knew we were in there, but it gave me a bit more security to know that they couldn't see us. I was finishing up my room and I went to the one closest to our driveway. I peeked out and they were lingering over there. My fucking car was infested and god that's so upsetting. Our garage was open, but there's really no way to get into our actual home through that. Two male humans were on top and one jumped...uh on top of a zombie woman lower half and I guess died while having sex with that. I think the impact killed him, he fell on her. It's pretty fucking gross.

So the other male human sort of disappeared, I don't know.

I went to my sister's room to tell her to close the blinds and of course, she wouldn't listen, so I did it for her. Then I went back to the kitchen to check on my dad and the fucking side door was open and I could hear my dad talking and there was a fucking zombie in a red plaid shirt in the dining room so I ran away. I don't think he saw me.

I went to my sister's room first to get her ready and she was being really slow and not listening, so I pulled her into my room so we could hide. I checked again to make sure my blinds were closed and they were, but from the angle we were sitting, they looked slightly open.

I told her to hide in the closet and we tied it shut. We waited there for a while, expecting the red plaid zombie to knock on the door. I assumed our dad had been converted. After no sounds for a while, I peeked out of the closet and for some reason, the blinds where waaaay open. For some reason, I could now see from outside my room with a bird's eye view. I saw two zombies fizzle up after being dunked in some water, then it started to rain for two seconds and all the zombies were gone.

Or so I thought. I went up to the window and the blinds were actually closed but I could still see (I don't know?????). And then a cloud materialized into a fucking zombie. Like holy SHIT if that's how they're getting around, we truly are screwed. But yeah. It turns out it was Zombie Jesus and he came up to the window where my face was and said, "I'm going to get you, you scrawny bitch."

And I remember that part vividly. I could see his face, it was bloated and bleeding and he had his hands up to the window. Fuck you, Jesus. I scooted away from the window and back into the closet and we waited some more. Through the slits of the closet, I could see that Basic Bitch Zombie Jesus was still standing there. And I began to panic even more because he could just use his divine power to materialize into my room.

Then some more waiting happens and for some reason, my sister starts playing some fUCKING music. It's from this black metal radio station and I tell her to turn it the fuck off and we take out the batteries and all of its components that could be taken out and the music was still playing. And it wasn't even good music.

So I try to muffle it yet it seems to get louder.

That's when we realize that the music is coming from the vent in the closet. I don't have a vent in my closet. But it was there in the dream.

I wake up and it's 4:something in the morning and it turns out I fell asleep on my arm and I could not feel it at all. So I touch my face a bit to see what it feels like to be caressed by a person that's not me and it was sad. I shook it around wildly to get the blood back in and then I went back to sleep. Then dream #2 happened.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

College Part II

My mom came by to pick up my brother since I was babysitting him over the past few days. We talked about my acceptance and she continued to be happy for me in her special little quiet way. She isn't the type to get really overexcited about much.

She asked me if I was still going to apply to Rice University, which is a really tough school to get into. 17% acceptance, I believe, extremely competitive. We've spoken about this multiple times before, along with my dad. Both of them are telling me that I should just go for it and they believe I don't have enough confidence in myself to make it in. They keep on saying I'm cutting myself too short.

Rice used to be one of my top schools, but with the position I am in now, realistically it is not going to happen. I don't lack confidence in my academic ability. I DO NOT lack confidence in my academic abilities. I really really don't. It's not a matter of feeling sorry for myself. I've looked at the stats. I spent entire days on college websites, hearing stories from students, asking questions, hoping to "get chanced" which is basically throwing out a condensed version of my resume and asking if they'd accept me. If I do apply, I will not get in and that is a fucking fact.

I love my parents and I appreciate how much they want to push me and challenge me to fight for my dreams or whatever. But at this moment, they do not understand what today's college admissions world is like.

I've been comparing myself to accepted and rejected students for realistic chances of getting in. Not all of them included the same information, but this should offer a decent general feeling of it.

Rejected:

  • Houston resident. GPA UW: 3.8 SAT: 2170 Rank: Top 20%  ECs- stellar in comparison to mine
  • Houston resident. GPA UW: 3.8 SAT: 2170 Rank: Top 20%  ECs- fucking stellar like holy crap, how do you have time. Race: South Asian (which honestly probably did not help)
  • Houston resident: Top 3% 
Waitlisted:
  • Houston resident. GPA UW: 3.9 W: 4.5 SAT: 2240 ECs: Better than mine
These are just the ones I could find today. But I've been going on sprees like this to find people who were similar to me or much better than me who were rejected. And I don't need any sort of pep talking or sympathy, because I'm not upset that I will not get in. I just feel bad because my parents believe I could. 

My mom posted this huge paragraph on her Facebook page that I think I wasn't supposed to see. She's one of those parents who likes to sort of brag about her kids. But yes, it was this long paragraph and in it she listed all of my accomplishments over the years and every single thing I have ever done to receive recognition. And then she ended it with "I am just sad that she felt like she didn't do enough to make it to Rice." And then her adult friends started commenting in that really excited, yet blunt adult way. And she make another long response that ended with "but still it hurts to see your kid thinking that they wished they could have done more."

So yeah, I feel like shit. I mean, yes, I will apply anyway but I do not want her or my dad to feel bad when I get rejected. They don't even put a lot of pressure on me. In fact they really weren't too involved in any of my things when I was growing up because I didn't let them. I don't like accepting help from people and I've been trying to get better with that now. But earlier, I did everything on my own and I've always been just fine and surprisingly successful. And I feel even worse because maybe if I let them help me, I would be able to get into Rice?

This is the first time my mom has ever really expressed her pride for me in a long and thoughtful way. Usually she'd just list what I did. But this time she put her thoughts into it. I would have never expected that she would get so into this, because as I mentioned before, she doesn't flip out like some people do. 

This morning, when I saw my dad for the first time, he asked me if I really did get accepted into Baylor. I was kind of confusing and replied with some sass but he said he just couldn't really believe it. He legitimately thought it was a dream. And at first, I thought he wasn't really proud of me. 

But now we're all sort of arguing about this Rice issue and I just feel like I could have done so much more. I'm not too worked up about it, but it is what it is, really. 

I'm upset that I let my parents down with my attitude about this and I'm even more upset because rejection would prove my point and make them feel guilty as parents. My dad used to take my sister and I to Rice once a month when we were little. I have a total of 5 t-shirts from their student store and I'm familiar with some of the layout. In my junior year, he took me around the campus and we saw one car with congratulatory paint on it. And they were driving around and blasting music because they got accepted. My dad said next year that would be me. Well. So.

I'm also upset because rejections from things like this crush them. I looked at the list of things that other people have done and honestly this is ridiculous. These kids spend their entire lives being remarkable and they get told that they're not good enough. And a lot of them have parents who are much more demanding than mine, so they take it a lot worse. 

Again. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. 



College

Okay, so the good news is that I received my first college acceptance notification. It's from Baylor. I logged onto their website and they had my name in big letters on a football screen type of thing and they were all like, "Micaela, you're accepted!" And so immediately after that I cried a bit and tried to explain and went into the bathroom. And then people followed me and watched me cry and it was nice.

I called up my parents and my mother screamed. She never screams. My dad was still at work so he couldn't answer his phone, whatever. I got home and was still kind of really happy.

I really like Baylor. Er, the campus. It's a gorgeous campus and it has a swimming pool with a water slide. It's completely spread out and I can see myself taking walks over there. I've been looking at dorms from the Facebook pictures of people I know and I was imagining myself in one.

The bad news is that my beliefs don't fit into my own and I'm afraid that going there will stifle a lot of the aspects of my personality. And at this point in my life, I'm still working on it. I don't want any drastic changes right now.

First of all, it's conservative. I've read several reviews from actual students and while the faculty tends to be quite liberal (as apparently most college faculty members are the students lean towards the right. Problem #1. I'm wildly liberal. I'll consider the opinions and arguments of the other side, but I think my mental wiring cannot allow me to be anything but liberal at this point in my life. I get that this might not manifest itself in such a blatant way. I currently go to a school that is mostly conservative. But I only associate with fellow liberals, which makes life easier. At this point right now, right before elections, I'm especially worried. If Romney does get elected, and I do attend Baylor, I wonder how much life would change for me. I have one class here where people are openly conservative and I honestly cannot talk because they do not listen to what I am saying. It's not just based on our different political standings, I'm aware, but no matter how much people try to cover it up, it is significant. I'm sure that I would be able to find a comfortable place in Baylor, but it would just be easier to fit in at a more liberal school.

Second, it's Baptist. It is the largest Baptist university in the world. The recognition for their size, I believe, pushes them even more to maintain a strong religious image in the media. Their mission statement contains a lot of declarations that I do not agree with in regards to religion. Granted, I currently go to a religious school, but aside from the classes we are forced to take and the occasional masses, it is not shoved down our throats. This current year actually, I'm taking a theology class that technically isn't theology at all. I don't feel ostracized during any of the masses. Yet I still don't like discussing religion with any of my classmates who don't know me as well. I fear that at Baylor, more of the people there will be outspoken about their religion. It's a Baptist school. Baptist. I apologize for making generalizations, but going with the information I have received through my own experiences, a number of them are fundamentalists. And I fear that they would be the type to force their opinions on me and judge me for being an atheist.

Third, they don't seem to allow support for a lot of minority groups, namely the LGBT community, which bothers me a lot. In 2011, just last year, Baylor offered a course titled, "Homosexuality as a Gateway Drug." The link goes to the Huffington Post, but there are multiple other websites that have published the same stories, if validity is what you're looking for. The public got in its face about it and they countered by saying it was "intended for independent study...for one student rather than as a group." They were forced to change the name into something more politically correct. Also, they would allow an entire course for one student which basically promotes homophobia and a false image of sexuality and they did not allow a gay student to start an awareness group that would actually increase positive understanding. I really do not want to spend four years of my life surrounded by people who don't want to open their minds and who would judge me or anybody else for something like this. I know that this is a single incident. And it doesn't reflect the entire views of the school, but these are exactly the type of things people should be looking into when making the decision.

So I've been accepted. I don't have any other option yet. I'm still waiting on a notification from UT which is more liberal and open minded. However, with the top 8% admissions rule in place, I have already prepared myself for rejection. Realistically speaking, my chances of getting into UT are somewhat slim. It's my first-choice at this moment, but it's up in the clouds. Baylor is my more down-to-earth 1st choice. So...second choice, but not really.

If I get in, I will go. I'll have to mentally prepare myself for the massive amount of people, because I know it is ridiculous. And with all of those people, I am guaranteed to encounter several major issues. I'm simply not ready yet to go out in an environment like that. In some ways, I think Baylor might be better because it would be much more controlled. I would be surrounded by people who have likely grown up in a strong household built on morals. Hell if I know, actually. That's more generalizing. UT is also much cheaper and Austin is a more lively place. I really like it up in Austin. I'm not a partier and my will is strong enough to turn away from that type of lifestyle, but having the option to go out to places is quite nice. Waco, on the other hand, features tortilla-throwing from a bridge as a main event.

I don't know where to go or what to do at this point, because time is a major factor. If I don't send in the deposit to announce my commitment to Baylor, I might get a shitty dorm. But I just cannot agree with their stances on these major issues. I feel like I would be suffocated here, despite it's wide open land layout. Which is still incredibly beautiful, by the way.

I've looked at Trinity and St. Edward's and a bunch of other Texas schools, but none of them appeal to me. I've researched them and I just don't feel any sort of attraction to them. So I've limited myself down to the ones with big names. I've been heading down this path since I was little. And now that I'm kind of almost here, I'm lost.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Sister




My sister and I aren't fighting now, we've both calmed down. She'll still kick the back of the seat when I'm driving and shit, but she's not spraying stuff. There was a point where I would not do anything to provoke her and she had this fucked up period of attacking that I didn't get. But she's out of that now. She's also breaking out of her shell in school I think.

I think it flared up because she's in high school now and she doesn't know what to do and I don't know how to approach her to help her. This was the worst in some ways and I think it might also be because of puberty. Because when I was her age, I was a little shit. She lost her best friend because she's at another school and she's having so much fun with new friends, while my sister is still finding her group.

We're both really weird people when it comes to making friends. I don't know, she does weird things, like the stuff I do/did. She does that...fake-mean thing that I do. Like, she'll be really sassy and uses her face a lot. But we both started out kind of shy and nice with always complimenting people. And then we'll get weird.

She made up a fake male friend in her Spanish class and I made this fake male Facebook account in my freshman year.

She made a presentation about making sock puppets for her speech class. It was a demonstration and her example sock puppet fell apart in her hands. Like, it was on the floor and everything. So she made this fake sobbing face that I can't explain. I don't know what it is with our faces, I guess we got it from our mom. because sometimes she looks like that when she's upset. And she couldn't stop laughing throughout the rest of her presentation because of her failure. And it parallels my freshman Spanish presentation where I couldn't stop laughing about a picture of an owl I put on the PowerPoint.

We both have similar senses of humor. Like my dad will be seriously upset with us for not washing dishes on time or whatever. And she'll fake sob and then say something philosophical like, "we're all going to Hell anyway," and then she'll literally howl and skitter away to her room. We actually cannot have dinner together because it usually ends in someone running away from the table and that is not an exaggeration. I ran away last time because I couldn't stop laughing at my dad's face because we all kind of look alike and it was creeping me the fuck out. I went back later to take my plate. He has a really round nose and it was shining at that point.

She does that uncomfortable kind of dancing that men in 80s movies do when they try to impress girls. I don't do that, too, but it's interesting. We both like drawing and she's currently finding her style. I think we get that from our mom, she draws secretly. Like, she never shows her true self, my mother. She's like in this perpetual egg.

But we both have insane tempers. We are both really irrational people when we're angry. So when we clash, we actually might hate each other for like a week or two and then the rest of the time, we'll ignore each other. The difference is that I've gotten my anger out over the past two years and she's just now coming into it. So she'll get angry at home and take it out on me and I won't respond with that same anger. She'll do all the shit and I'll stay quiet but write about it, which I should stop doing because I guess she found it. I did the same shit with my dad when I was learning about rebellion and stuff.

I don't know. We're calm for now.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Driving and things

Yay.

Hopefully I'll have my license in a week. So here are some things I plan to do.


  • Drive to Panera Bread and get those weird coffee things that I never remember. They don't taste like coffee, I think they're mochas. Yes, so I'll drive to Panera and get a mocha. They are so good. They are seriously the best mochas I've ever had. I've had some from Starbucks and McDonalds. Disappointed with Starbucks, but actually quite impressed with McDonalds. Still. Panera is the best. 
  • Drive to Memorial Park with pepper spray in a big puffy jacket so I can walk down the path for two hours on my own and still be safe. I'd really just like to walk. 
  • Drive to cool places. Again, safety is a big thing, I'll work it out somehow. I just really want to go places because all of my weekends are spent at home. 
  • Drive to that fancy City Center place with the movie grill thingy that plays movies. I think it's so cool. I'm broke as hell, but I'd like to just walk there.
  • So basically, drive places to walk places.
Not the freeway, though, I'm not fond of the freeway quite yet. It's doable, but I still don't like it.

Um what else. OH!

  • During Christmas, I'd drive to those big fancy neighborhoods, like the one on Westheimer with the peacocks and horse carriages. I love seeing their big decorations. I'll blast Christmas music.Hopefully I'll have enough to get a hot chocolate or something before I make the trip. It's really exciting. 
  • I'll visit other parts of Houston. Maybe I'll get lost. But again, I'd have to be safe. I wish I were a boy sometimes. Not that it would make me totally more safe, but still. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I don't have a home.

These are just total complaints but I'm lost and my head is numb now and my eyes are getting really puffy because of a breakdown. I am more than ready to move out of this building I am living in because almost every person in here is irrational, including myself. I cannot wait to get out of Houston, so in less than a year, I will be able to enjoy my freedom.

Where do I start? Okay, well, the major thing has always been my sister. For some reason, I've gotten more vocal about her bullshit because people actually see her and she's just gotten to be more and more of a bitch. I don't get it. Some people are really close with their siblings. I know one girl who is like, best friend's with her sister and their ages are the same as us. And then everyone else can stand to stay in their presence. But I literally have not held a single deep conversation with my sister. Since I can remember, we have done nothing but fight. And this year, the fights have gotten more and more intense and dangerous. 

I don't know, I think my parent's divorce had an affect on it. Because my mom would curse out my dad a lot in front of us and they'd call each other racially demeaning names. And so maybe we grew up into that. I have a bad mouth sometimes, but it's not even close to that of my sister. And in general, she is wildly irrational and spoiled as shit. She's used to getting what she wants. Like, literally, my parents will take her side on the majority of our arguments, and I am honestly there trying to remain calm. 

But it's like nobody sees it. I'm not even trying to paint myself as the perfect daughter who is a victim, but they honestly take her fucking side. I was driving home with a family friend and her son in the car along my mom, the sister, and my brother. And my sister was behind me kicking my seat and she would not let up. She kept on kicking my seat while I was driving, hard, and I honestly, honestly, honestly just turned to my mom to ask her to tell her to stop kicking my seat. Because my sister has never listened to me. And my mom said, "well, she's not doing it now." And so I pulled over because at that point, I was about to blow. She stopped kicking for a while.

And then started back up and I asked my mom again, and she responded with, "just keep driving." So I did lose it. The car was about to turn into an intersection, but I had to stop. So I burst out and cursed her out in front of the family friend and the son. So I guess they don't want to associate with me now, I haven't seen them in a long while, come to think of it. 

I was crying and shit and my sister was basking in her glory and you know what? My mom and her friend just laughed at me. The worst possible thing for anyone to do while anyone is crying is laugh. So that lead to more tears and my sister just stayed silent and kept kicking the fucking chair. And my mom let out with a chuckle that she wanted to take over driving, but (and I shouldn't have done this) I refused because I guess doing so would admit total defeat. I wanted to keep my dignity?

This bitch sprays me in the face with air freshener, which is apparently very negative for health. It states that it should not be inhaled. But this spoiled bitch sprays it in my face. I made a cake yesterday, or the day before. I was about to cut a slice out and put it on a plate, and she comes up and sprays the fucking air freshener on the plate. So I had to get a new one. And then she sprayed me twice in the face. And then a bunch of times after that.

She suspected that I had been in her room, but I really hadn't. Considering I WAS AT A SCHOOL MEETING for a huge chunk of the day and we got home at the same time. So she followed me around the house and held out the air spray can in front of me. I hate that fucking smell. I hate it.

And she'll spit on the floor. I do my homework in the hallway because my computer's internet stuff is weak as shit or something. So she'll hover over me and spit near me. 

I've told my parents about this, but they don't ever see both sides. They constantly think I have a lot to do with it. Whenever I tell my dad, he responds with, "you must have provoked her." And then she goes unpunished. And I honestly do not provoke her. Lately, she has just been coming up and attempting to start trouble. I am not making this shit up for attention or sympathy, I literally do not know what I am doing wrong. I do not know what to do but I do know that I need to leave soon. 
***********************
She's banging on my door now. She does that a lot. It's really loud and I'm crying again and I don't know what to do. Because nobody is on my side.
*************************************
Okay, great, my dad came into my room right now and and he has a belt and he tried to beat me with it. And I am so fucking lost right now, I can't see my fucking keys on this thing. And my sister is not being punished at all. He threatened to beat me and I have seriously done nothing wrong. 

I'll try to explain this, I don't know what to do I want to leave this house. So I came home today. My mom has to work so I'm babysitting Matthew. I also had a HUGE engineering project and it took 4 hours to complete. I finally finished a short while ago and it took up all of my evening. All I did was work on that project in that hallway. My dad worked out an agreement to watch Matthew if I had something particularly important due the next day. 

So that happened. It's really hard to put him to sleep. So he stays up until like 12 which is terrible, but nobody can put him to sleep and it's just another problem that we have. And I try multiple times to lull him to sleep and for a while it works, but my sister is right across and makes noises. So I move him to my room and turn off the lights and tuck him in, okay. And then I turn the hallway light one so I can still see in my room to clean up and get stuff ready for tomorrow. And my sister flips it off because she claims it is preventing her from sleeping, when all she has to do is close her own door to block out the light.

So my dad hears the commotion and comes out and takes her side and turns the light off. I ask him to see how fucking simple it would be to get her to close her door, but he just replies with, "I'm tired." And let's her have her way. 

So I'm here typing this shit up. I was done cleaning my room and stuff so I guess I had lost that battle. And Matthew was about to asleep but then he woke back up and went outside. So my sister thinks that I kicked him out, but I was just tired and exhausted and I still had to finish a bit of homework and do other stuff. So I let him walk out. And I know, yes, that is bad. I know it is.

After that, she came and banged on my door and it was incredibly forceful. And I pushed back and locked it. So things were fine for a while, but then that's when my dad came in with the belt and he was screaming and he told me that I was a terribly, shitty child. 

I don't understand. Anything. I try so hard to please my family. I do all of these things and win stuff and join clubs and get involved and do volunteering. And my dad focuses on the fact that I don't wash dishes on time or wash clothes before 1. That is it. That is it. Every. Single. Thing. I have ever done. All of the fucking trophies and shit on my drawer thing, the national merit whatever the fucking shit thing I got, the fact that I'm not out doing drugs or getting knocked up. Nothing fucking matters. And both of my parents constantly take her side and I hate living in this fucking house. 

I do not know what I am doing wrong. I don't know what I'm doing. The reason I don't wash clothes or dishes is because I'm staying up late doing homework and planning stuff. And my sister is the one that makes my brother cry almost every time she sees him.

I think she honestly hates me. But I don't know why. I have tried to help her, I ask her how her day is. And some would say jealousy but that... I just don't get it. Every single day, I come home to this but this time it went further than it usually did and I can't wait for school tomorrow but I don't want the weekend to come because that just means I'll be stuck at home. And I can't drive anywhere yet and I'm stuck.

Only until I get to college. I just need to move out of this house, I do not care, I don't feel appreciated and when I try to explain my point, I get ignored or threatened. And everything I do really doesn't matter. 

I talked to my mom about it and she just says that I'm going to college soon, too. So she understands it but knows she can't do anything about it. I want a new life. I don't want one of my family members and I wish the others would take me seriously. I'm a damn good kid. I used to think I was a damn good kid. I

Nobody is stopping her or doing anything because nothing can actually help. One of my friends actually offered to talk to my sister about her behavior, because maybe hearing it from someone else would help but I can't. Because I guess this is personal business and nobody has a right to know. But this has been happening for years and I'm just now letting it out because I'm so close to getting out of it.

I don't have a fucking home

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I have more opinions

The debates have truly brought out the worst in some people. I try not to let my own political opinions get out. Not because I'm afraid, but because there are people out there who will seriously treat me differently. I'm trying to stay informed and up-to-date, but some people are too loud about their thoughts without enough information to form a valid opinion on any of the topics.

Choosing which side to pledge my allegiance to isn't a matter of just looking at the most popular one. It goes beyond the controversial topics like women, abortion, and marriage. It also includes the economy, health care, foreign affairs, all of those other topics that a lot of people my age tend to ignore. I understand that at our current age, those things may not seem to affect us as directly. And I get that everyone certainly has the right to vote for whoever because of whatever. But I would prefer that everyone would get information about most, if not all, of a candidate's views.

So to go on these cute, little social media sites and see kids express themselves, or really just parrot off the stuff they heard from their parents, is rather unsettling. Some people are simply being open about their opinions to stir up controversy. I swear, some of these people are just searching for a fight. They're almost angry about it. All-caps, pulling in information from a candidate's background to take away from the value of their argument, getting emotions tied up.

And if you feel strongly about this, you should be emotionally attached. Our political opinions have everything to do with the kind of person we are, so it makes sense. But emotions cause people to lose control, and once you lose control, you become irrational and people start to value your opinion less. Above all, intellect and reason should prevail. People flipped their shit.

This lead to several outbursts between friends and classmates. Some, including myself, silenced themselves to avoid explosive confrontation. Some of my classes have a clear majority of the party I oppose. And they are very very very vocal about it. I cannot speak. In some cases, it is good to voice what you believe, especially if it means a lot. They'll have discussions that I would love to participate in. However, and I am not saying this as an insult, but these people in particular are the kind who borrow everything from their parents. The way they spout off information and proudly show their support makes it clear that these are not the result of their own research. They are quick to anger, even quicker to band together and strike a lone opponent down.

Literally, I am the only democrat in my Journalism class. And they will throw down Obama quite often. That's fine, but with most of them, it is clear that they don't know what they are truly supporting or opposing.

Even with my giant desire for political awareness, I cannot deny that politics are a freakin' racket. It's a mess, it is all a huge mess. While at first, I would lash out at political apathetic people, but I do understand it. Realistically, there is only so much a president can do. I think at this point of the campaigning, a lot of people are building up this insanely perfect idea of the candidate they support. So there will be a lot of disappointment. People are not ever going to be happy. The entire government is too huge to satisfy everyone.

Those are some of the thoughts...there.

11:11

I've just been writing a lot. This may sound like total crap, but usually, when I write something that I'm wishing for that is reasonably easily attainable, it'll happen. I'll type up a plan for something or my own wishes for things and after that it'll manifest. I don't really do anything drastic to advance any of those things, but I mean. It's all a bunch of crap. I know.

So anyway, this is about 11:11 wishes. Kind of related. I guess when I was younger, those were basically prayers. Wishlists, daily wishlists. I would just ask for a long list of things, very good things like keeping my family alive and maybe that I would do well on a test the next day. In middle school, I got really religious. So my prayers became more elaborate. And I would attempt to offer God an incentive for "granting" them. So I would start off by thanking him for everything, like my house, family, school, clothes, food, water, my favorite things. And then I would ask for a long list of things.

In 8th grade, I peaked. That was the most religious point of my entire life. Cheerleading try-outs were coming up and I really wanted to make it. At that point, I had never wanted anything more than that. Not even my parents reunion. It was odd. So I came up with this long prayer routine, in the hopes that it would help even more. I started with an Our Father, then a Hail Mary, then the Angel of God one that I memorized from a stuffed praying bunny. After that, I would list the things I was thankful for and finally I would ask for the health of the people I cared about and cheerleading success. Then I would top it off with another well-known prayer. I did this for a whole month. An entire month, right before I went to sleep. I would not sleep until it was totally finished. Prayer was basically a way for me to ask for things.

In high school, I do not know what happened exactly, but I began rejected the idea of religion. Things just didn't make sense, and I have one teacherin particular to thank for that. Anyway, for the first three years, the prayers just switched to 11:11 wishes. basically the same thing except much shorter. And I didn't have to list things.

They would mostly be for like people. I always fall for a crapload of people and when I do, I fall hard. Not in a touchy way, but like, I want them to be my friend really badly or I want them to... be okay or happy or whatever. Like friendcrushes? Or like, I want to stay in contact with them forever. So at 11:11, I would just think about them super hard. That meant squinting my eyes and thinking their name over and over again in my head, for that whole minute. It's kind of really weird. I'd sometimes do this little chant in a mumble with just their name over and over again, hoping the 11:11 god would just know what I was hoping for them.

And I thought it would work. Like maybe the next day, something would happen and I would go home and just be like, "oh, that actually worked!" So I'd do it a lot. But this year, none of that is working and I guess I'm growing out of it.

But I wish didn't. I wish I had something to hope for. I tried to catch that Persied meteor shower, because I honestly hoped to treat them like shooting stars. Are they not? I read somewhere that they were considered shooting stars. Anyway, yeah. because at least those are more "real." I don't necesssarily believe that they'd actually help, but it's still kind of a nice thing to be able to say.

I have a few things now I'd like to really wish for. So. Yeah.

Ignorance and other things

Apparently I'm not done. So now we're moving on to ignorant people who claim to know things. Here, we shall take an example from Tumblr which was extracted from Facebook originally. The person states:

"Saying your Atheist or that there's no god or higher power is like saying you don't believe in ghosts, which is like saying you don't have a soul, which is also saying you don't have dreams, which would mean your a Zombie or Vampire, so unless your a Magical made up being, dont say your Atheist, you sound fucking retarted"

Spelling and grammar mistakes aside, this is chock-full of logical fallacies, namely non sequitors. Those are statements that are made that do not logically follow the previous statement. In saying them, the author expects the reader to come to the same conclusion they did, because it simply "makes sense." It is best understood, I think, through example. Like above, how he jumped from an atheist's lack of belief to saying that it means they don't believe in ghosts. Basically:

  • A person does not believe there is a God or higher power
  • Therefore, that person does not believe in ghosts
If you are going to make that connection, at least provide evidence that higher powers and ghosts are related somehow. Fully. One honestly cannot expect the audience to draw those same conclusions, which is why that is considered a non sequitor. 

He goes on.
  • A person does not believe in ghosts
  • Therefore, that person does not have a soul
Which actually implies that the lack of soul is due to the fact that the person does not believe in ghosts, which is due to the fact that the person does not believe in a higher being. There is a "missed connection" here, which makes this argument even more weak. 

He then says that no soul = no dreams. No evidence to support that, since when is the biological process of dreaming directly linked to having or not having a soul? And then the zombie and vampire thing has a similar issue. If you do not have dreams, this automatically means you are other than a human? I am impressed by how far this person managed to stray away from reason. This is meant to raise awareness about all future "because", "therefore", and "thus" statements. A lot of people don't catch these, because we're so used to using those words as a way to transition. But "because" has a lot more weight than what it has become. 

Let's also visit Twitter. Tonight, there is another debate, which means that uninformed teenagers attempting to sound super informed will be voicing their opinions. There are fewer people talking about it. I take it a lot of people hopped on that "fad" to sound intelligent. However, now some of the interest has died down and only a few remain. This lowered the amount of ignorant vocal people, but not by much. 

A lot were guilty of the ad hominem fallacy, where they pointed out an unrelated characteristic of one of the candidates in order to take away the value of their arguments. They would point out accidental characteristics, instead of their substance as a candidate. 

On the side, a lot of the people getting involved with this are doing it for appearances. They want to seem involved or intelligent. There are a few who are genuinely interested, and personally, I appreciate their interest. But to do it just to flaunt it is rather pointless. One, in my opinion, should learn for the sake of learning, not for other people to see how many big words and policies you can list off. 

Now...am I done? 


Rant #4

I'm not even sure were this one is going and I'll probably regret posting all of these, but I doubt anyone who does not already have it will ever find it again. I'm just going to keep writing until I feel better about life. So that means I'm getting out all of my complaints.

Oh, I guess this post's theme is people I sit near. Not the actual people, I need to stop talking about actual people for things like this. Because they are actually good people. Unlike the ones I've mentioned before. So actions.

So when people are shallow, I'll get pissed. Like all they talk about with their friends are the stupidest things like meaningless stuff. And they'll grow up and become shitty parents.

Also, when people laugh at things that...aren't funny. And this is so sososos tricky to explain. Because I know everyone has a different sense of humor. Not a lot of people get mine. Which isn't a problem. But like, I'll be in a class and the teacher will say something and one person will full out explode in laughter. Slapping their desk. Kicking the back of my seat. Or like, if someone literally cracks up at a picture of a squirrel with candy in their mouth. Like, crack up, honking, the whole deal. And again, this only happens with some people. The person has to have a combination of annoying qualities in order for this one thing to become fully despicable.

I...think I'm done.

Rant #3

I hate it when something ruins your day at the end of it. Like goddamn. I was enjoying EVERY single moment of today before that kid made a good point about my lack of involvement. I guess I'm angry because he's right, I'm not doing enough in there. If something tiny like that happens, it takes me a LOT to get over it. It's really petty of me. I'll go through the day and put together every good thing and try to attack the negative instance with that. But it keeps on coming up and it's so frustrating because none of this should be a big deal.

I don't even know, I guess I need to work on having thicker skin because A) I'm leaving soon, kind of, and B) We are seriously going to die someday so it really won't matter.

Like, someone, even someone close to me, will say something, like a correction. Even my dad. And I'll think about that for a looong time. I don't like being corrected. Or like, especially sarcastic comments. Or condescending ones. Or anything that someone says to make me look stupid. And when that happens, THAT is when I start considering my accomplishments. So I have those urges to list the things I've done to let people know I'm not stupid.

I fucking hate looking stupid or inexperienced in something. So starting new things when other people are basically experts is hell. It's fucking hell. Because people are trying to help but I don't like getting help. I feel like I'm wasting their time and I feel like they think that I'm not picking up on things as quickly.

I hate people sometimes. I hate, ugh, god I hate interacting with people. Today was sort of a really confusing day. I don't know how we all put up with each other's bullshit a lot of the time. There are golden moments and those count for a lot. But sometimes, I just want to strangle people. I want to put my hands around their necks and just squeeze for a while.


Rant #2

I've already gone off on this one girl and it sort of went more public than I had expected it too. I complain a lot on the internet because I can't do it in front of people. So I ...think I want people to see it, but I want to lower the risk of the subjects seeing it. Or like, I'll sort of hope someone sees it because stuff wants to be let out. Anyway, here I am again talking about the same person and yeah.

This girl and I are sort of dancing around the somewhat vague hints that neither or us like each other at all. And it's now gotten to this pseudo friendship type of thing. Where we'll talk and ask each other for help and bullshit about stuff but I don't ever want to be left alone with her because our interactions are incredibly fake. So this has been going on for a while and I'm just wondering why she's still going on with this because it's not helping either of us. And if she's trying to prove that she's the better person, that's dandy as fuck, I just don't care. She'll force conversations that don't need to happen. And I don't know if she wants to repair something or if she's doing this to "get at me" or what fuck I don't know, it's just- really pointless. All of this is pointless. Even talking about it. But I do not care because I want to say this so I will because I allowed to not like somebody.

Then some cockyass bitch in choir today decided to flaunt her talent. The director chose a few people for a certain part, I guess you could say. And she wasn't chosen, but later on, she put herself in that group. And she does this thing where if someone makes a mistakes, she will seriously chuckle at them. With a cockyfucklebitch look on her face. And it's annoying. Because she kind of can sing but her personality makes her incredibly ugly. Like, I'll see her and I will make a mental note in my head to see her as physically ugly as fuck. But when these shitty types of people make mistakes or fail at something that they were SO SURE that they were going to get, it actually pleases me in a sick, horrible way.

And I've considered the fact that perhaps they are like this because of other insecurities, but it's really hard to get that through when they repeatedly do stuff like that. I just hate cocky people with a passion. For some reason, I hate cocky girls more than I hate cocky guys. I don't know why.

I just...like, you can tell people about your accomplishments and I'll be proud, but don't keep on doing it. And if your intention with that is to intimidate people by your success, fuck you, you're lame as hell and you're a shitty person.

Damn it, what else? I'm a fuck-up in a lot of ways. I think some of the qualities that I hate in other people are evident in myself. Which makes me a giant hypocrite. Because I'm a fake person. I have faked a huge number of friendships because I don't want enemies. I don't think I have ever had a true enemy. Well, once. Right, and that ended badly because everyone was on her side. And I think I made fun of her because I didn't like the attention she was getting from guys because she had huge boobs in like 5th grade and she would just sit there and act dumb and I thought that was dumb, so I said some stuff. And well, it made sense that people took her side. So I had one enemy, but that was my fault.

So I don't ever want to have enemies again. So I fake a lot of friendships then blow up about them in private. Kind of private. So this fakeness thing that I see in that first girl is a big part of me.

And I don't know about the conceited thing. I keep that stuff to myself. But I have this thing where I hate talking a lot about myself in person. Obviously not here. I'll "catch" the number of times I refer to myself or tell my own stories, so I try to ask questions of other people. And then I go home and beat myself up if I spent a lot of time talking about myself or my own opinions. But all the stuff about my success in something is in my head, except yes sometimes it'll slip and I'll feel like shit. Because I encounter so so sososos sososo many cocky people and when I hear them talk about themselves, I'll shrink up and get annoyed. It's cool to tell me about your life. But again, just not all the time. Because seriously, with some things, I do not care at all. Like the fake girl came around one time and started to talk about her diet and how she was sticking to it, like wow good for her, this is actually the least interesting thing I've heard ever. I didn't care so much that I actually sort of indirectly started to care, but caring about not caring.

She was going on and I had to fight the urge to blurt out, "nobody cares." Something else was going on that day, I think, it was just weird.

With some people, I don't mind. I guess they have to give me more of a reason to dislike them. Like with one of my friends, but it's not really cockiness in this same sense. Like, I know a lot of people who love themselves and I honestly don't see that as a problem. But it's the people who list their things. And who aren't my friends to begin with. Like I won't care. I will not care. Soon everything from their mouth becomes crap to me.

I'm...almost done.


Rant #1



So a lot has been going on for the last few weeks. Things are still sort of settling down, but I think for the most part, I'm getting used to senior year. I did want a bit of a challenge, because I knew that this year would be easier than my previous ones. So I definitely got one.

In reference to courses, I think all of mine are killer, great, fascinating. Some of them are still kind of a pain in the ass. Well, only pre-cal. But we've started with what, circles and radians and that good stuff, and it's a new quarter so, we'll see. I hope that's the only test I have to take. So as far as actual academic stuff, I'm doing alright.

So now the "fun" stuff. I really love Performance Workshop. It's one of those things where you can kind of keep to yourself and still feel alright because you don't feel left out. And on top of that, it's something that I really really love doing. I look forward to it every single day and I have a "voice" in there, not just literally, but...people listen. And they respect me and I respect them and it's just...nice to have something like that.

Journalism is going alright, and that's really all I can say about it at this point. The editors-in-chief are doing a great job with running things, and I'm officially not bitter about any of it at all. It's very freeing. Is that the word? There is one junior who needs to calm her tits down but other than that, everyone is actually interacting, unlike last year. I'm still kind of upset that I have to leave but...it'll be fine. I'm still going to be writing. And by that time, I will have already been accepted into colleges, so I don't have to worry about them taking my leaving into consideration. It's whatever/

What else? So I'm going to tie in theater here because I really do miss it a lot, even if I'm not doing it. I can't do it right now because I still haven't told one of the directors that I'm not doing something else for...her benefit, really. So I'm avoiding her because hell, I don't want to face her angry side. Not worth my time. So. But I sincerely miss it. Being backstage with all of those people. Those were some of the greatest moments of my time at this school. Because every one is sort of quiet and yet, they're fine with it. You can sit on one of their stools in the dark and just think. And I felt like I was a part of something. A crucial part of something. You know, like if I missed a day, people would worry and they'd have problems finding an adequate replacement. And it was like that with every single person. So there was respect for EVERY one. And I loved that, because I felt responsible for something and that I was useful. I hate not feeling useful. Which is also another reason I prefer to work alone. I liked theater because it was comfortable. It was so comfortable. I knew where everything was and I even managed to earn the approval of the resident techie, and I just think he is the most interesting man in the entire world. And everyone there sort of just comes together as a family. There is a separation between the actors and the crew members, I will not deny that. But during showtime, everyone puts that aside and it's just the most beautiful thing to see people holding hands in The Circle and just feeling that appreciation.

I did complain about it earlier, but now that I've been away from it for so long, I'm starting to regret leaving. My sister is doing it now, and everyone always tells me about her antics. And it makes it even worse. I'm happy that she gets to experience something like this though. Maybe it didn't have this same effect, but I do hope she finds something that makes her feel that way. Everyone deserves to fall in love with something like this, I think. It kind of gives them a reason to make it through the school day.

In place of theater, I've been going to Engineering and I'm really still trying to find my place in there. It is very similar to theater, in that most people tend to find out where they can fit in. I still haven't yet and it's sort of frustrating because some people do judge based on that. I don't feel crucial. If I left the team, I really would not be missed because I'm not really doing anything important. And that is honestly sort of bothersome because I feel like I'm wasting my time sometimes. Everyone says that "they'll find a job" for you. And it's true, I mean, I've been doing some stuff on it. But there seems to be a more defined rift between the different subgroups. I guess it's split between the hands-on people who actually work with the robot and the other people. Which is where I fall in. Because I seriously am not a hands-on person. I don't do that sort of stuff, that's really not my thing. And the position of a writing type of person has already been filled. I've been doing some work on CANstruction, where we're planning this big sculpture out of cans. But after that is done, I will seriously have no purpose there.

And I was called out on it today. Because I was sitting on my computer because the CANstruction meeting was over and well, yes, I did not wish to work on the robots because I've worked with them before and it's really not my thing, so I'm just there. I was with two other people and we were kind of relaxing because they're not hands-ony either and we had finished our other business. So. One of them made a comment about you know, relaxing because there wasn't anything else to do and the mentor said there was and he listed a few things but we literally could not do any of the things because we didn't have the necessary program. And we were going to have a meeting in the near future about it anyway. So we explained all of that and he was fine with that.

And after that I attempted to help out with the robots, because why not, maybe this time around I'll do something good and it'll somehow make sense. So I asked, "What needs to be done on the robots?" Innocent and GENUINE AS FUCK. Because I'm trying to fucking help. And this person says, "you would know if you actually came over here." Full on sassy and well, yes, condescending as hell.

And I realized that, yeah wow I could explode on him right now but that's not my place. And he made a good point, minus the fucking sass, so I did spend a lot of time thinking about it. Which is why I'm writing.

I literally spent 5 hours talking to someone about their own love for the team. And she was the one who found her odd little place, being a non-robotics person who fit in somehow. And she went on to describe her thoughts and stuff and I was honestly happy that she found it. But I'm just pissed now because I am probably the easiest person in the world to offend and I overthink everything and well, yes. Bye thanks fuck

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Great start

Senior year. So the day before I was trying to rush to get so many things done and I kept freaking out or something. I just really didn't feel ready at all even if I had finished most of my stuff. I guess it was kind of just symbolic, like I'm not ready to take that big weird step into near-young-adulthood. I just really didn't want to go because I knew everything would be new and just...

I missed junior year so much because I was used to everything and... um. And there wasn't this rush to do everything because senior year and graduating was just so far off. But now it's here and everything is just too different and I really don't like it but I'm trying.

It's not the people. Or it is the people. It's just getting used to all of the classes all over again.

Journalism is fine because it's mostly the same people and I still have that one close friend in there. Also, I really want to congratulate the editors-in-chief because they are doing a good job. Last year, I was immature and bitter about it but I honestly think this worked out for the best. They're on top of things and they work well together and I think that's a key factor in having good leaders of something like this.

After that I had Philosophy and honestly, the entire class is nothing but my friends and I'm afraid it will throw me off. Because anytime I have a friend in a class, I think I dumb myself down because...wow, I don't know. It's just easier for me to speak out loud in a class where I don't really know anyone. It should be the opposite way around, shouldn't it? I just don't like my friends to see how I truly act in class because they already have this sort of image of me. And in this one it's nothing but friends, basically, except for one boy and one girl. So I feel like I won't talk at all. Which sucks. Because I really like the class a lot and the teacher is actually so fantastic. And his voice is like dark chocolate.

English. I freaking love this class so much. I don't know if it's just every single English class but it's perfect. I don't know ANYONE that well, so we're all sort of allowing each other a decent social barrier. We're all really formal with each other kind of. And up to this point, the teacher is my favorite female teacher. She's so dramatic and she just has a really strong passion for English, you can just tell. I really appreciate teachers who love what they do.

Ok and now here is where we take a break and just kind of literally cry about the day because I have no idea. All of these little things kept on happening and they kept on piling up on me. Like, mistake after mistake after mistake and as each class passed, I got more and more frustrated with myself and then after school I was sort of mean to a freshman. And then before I just started to hate everything for some reason except for a few things, like the schedule, the teachers, the subjects.

I just didn't want to be there at all. And prior to that day, someone tagged me on Facebook with the n-word and then I overanalyzed it and I just think too highly of what other people think of me.

And more shitty stuff happened which ended in my sister throwing a fit and being irrational. And then I set out to kill her. Literally.

I tried to kill my sister by choking her and it was the most frightening thing I have ever done. There was so much going on in my head that sounds really stupid and dumb and just trivial. I just don't know how to explain this to anyone.

Usually when I get hormonal, which is what I think it is, I just get really sad. Like I cry at things.

(Wait pause, another thing, I hate it when people comment on my crying because I really cannot control it. I can't stop it and trust me I hate it, but I do it all the fucking time. All the time. And someone already "predicted" during my Philosophy class that I would cry during it. Like what no, really. I love philosophy and I don't get overwhelmed during discussion. Because that's honestly one of my greatest fears. Which again sounds so trivial but I don't give a shit if people think of it as such. I don't want to cry in front of a lot of people. So I mean.)

Anyway, this time, every single bad thing that happened somehow just became ten times worse in my head and I translated? that into anger and then I snapped because I just wanted everyone to go away. I was headed towards my breaking point all throughout the day because of almost every single class. And then the car drive happened and my sister was pissing me off a lot.

And I think the thing is, my parents didn't discipline either of us at all and when they got really angry at each other, my mom especially, they didn't censor it for us. So we grew up thinking angry was normal. Which is why when I do get angry, it sort of explodes and shocks everyone because I cover it up usually. What we needed, maybe, is some of that traditional black and Asian parenting, which includes beatings with a belt and  making us sit alone in a locked bathroom in the darkness. Apparently several Filipino mothers do this, it's a thing. Plus beating a child when they didn't get As. Maybe not but...something. Anything, I don't know. Because now there's no control over one daughter who is breaking school rules already if she doesn't get what she wants and another daughter who quite literally attempted to end the other one's life. I'm just saying.

Oh my god I tried to kill her. My sister. My sister. And now I'm doing what I did, just the actions, to her to myself and I know it sounds kind of weird but I don't know. I don't know. But at one point she was just on the floor begging for her life and I knew that I needed to stop because I was honestly so close and I overreacted.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow at all to be perfectly honest because I'm still fucked up and I still hate 99% of the people there and I just don't want to see them at all.

I talked to someone really important on the phone after this while I was on the floor sobbing and they gave me a wake-up call. And now I'm here and I'm not doing any homework and I'd rather just skip tomorrow altogether because fuck everything.


Saturday, August 11, 2012

Really Tiny Issue

So I just now realized that my Spotify has been playing Demi Lovato for an hose and I wasn't even listening. At this point, I realized that this event is the physical manifestation of my social interactions with semi-friends.

Someone called me cool once. She said, "Micaela, you are the coolest person I know." And that has been one of the greatest compliments I've ever received. It was really unexpected and I always think about it whenever I feel kind of bitter about something. Oh yeah, by the way, this year, I made several POSITIVE PACTS with people so no more negativity...or maybe just less negativity. Anyway, yeah.

This is going to probably come across as really trivial. Yeah, really.

I've never considered myself cool. It just doesn't happen. It's not that I have a really low self-esteem, but it's just that "cool" is so up there. Cool is the kid who people automatically flock to during parties. Cool is effortlessly interacting with people and having them not feel uncomfortable at all. Cool is what I wanted to be since early elementary school, which is when I first found out that I was far from it according to other kids. So hearing that compliment was just like, wow, thanks.

But recently I did everything on the list of "things to never do if you want to be cool and stay cool."

I am so sososososososos awkward. That word is definitely overused, so I'll explain some more. Um, I honestly think I have a natural aversion to being in huge groups of people who I'm not too familiar with. And when I'm forced to hang out in groups, I overthink every single word that might come out of my mouth. And then I overthink the ones that actually make it out of my mouth.

I DON'T KNOW, just everything I did was just the opposite of cool and it's really just wow, I don't know.

Like, someone who I thought... thought I was invisible wanted to hug me when I came into this school event banquet thing and as I got closer, I just said, "why" out loud. Yeah because I honestly did not know why they wanted to hug me. So. "Why?" In their face. During the hug. And then after that I stepped on someone while trying to sit with people I knew. And then I stepped on the foot of one of the people I know. And then I ignored the initial hugger when he tried to joke around. And then I made a statement to somebody that nobody heard but I thought it was really funny, so I was just smiling and looking intently at the person while the person blinked a couple of times.

And then I answered a question directed at someone else. And then I got my Asian history all messed up and made a reference to Chinese bathhouses when Japan is the country that's known for bathhouses. And then I backed into someone completely in an inappropriate way when I really wasn't trying to be inappropriate at all. Not in like a dancing way but just flat-out backing up.

OH! I laughed at someone who was literally sobbing because I mistook their sobbing for pure laughter. In my defense, he later claimed that he was laughing and sobbing at the same time but wow nothing can make you feel like shit more than a wrongly-placed laugh. It was the same "why" person who asked me for a hug.

Looking back over all of this, it's kind of funny. I'm overreacting yeah, but... I don't even know cool. But I'm pretty sure it's not all of this. This is just mistake after mistake. And a lot of insulting people.

And now it's going to lead to even more overthinking and then I'll get even worse when school actually starts because EVEN MORE PEOPLE.

I'm actually dreading the first day back because everyone is going to come up and talk. I seriously forgot how to talk to a bunch of people. Two weeks ago I literally just ended a conversation with one of my homeroom people by walking behind my dad. We were in a Parker Uniform store, so she could definitely still see me. And the conversation wasn't going in a negative direction. I just noticed that she turned her head the other way and I took the chance to leave.

Oh my gosh, and then the back-to-school hugs. And I never know where to put my hands or whether to keep my fist closed or if my arms should go over or under. And I never know how hard to squeeze or if they even consider me close enough to squeeze at all. On my previous first day back, I headed towards one of my friends to hug her and we both stopped right before we could extend our arms and just said, "no." And it's not like we hate each other at all, it's just we are both really uncomfortable huggers.

What else. Oh yeah, those fucking ice-breakers that some teachers might still do on the first days of class.

I'm ending it here right now but yeah, no more people. Bye.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

More hatred

So there's this graduated senior. I don't know whether we are friends or not but I don't want to be at all. She keeps on initiating conversations and then she insults me in the middle of them. It started with little minor corrections, and I'm okay with that if people aren't condescending about it. But then she turned to insulting my humor and the way I speak on the internet. Why waste my fucking time just to bring me down, man, what are you doing.

I have a certain way of speaking that I'm sure most people have picked up on. A lot of the things I say are kind of really unnecessary. I write paragraphs about what I could say in about a sentence. And I don't really like to be serious, and then you add in metaphors and ridiculous stuff. And she flat-out just... called me out on it?

And I can't change the way I write, because I honestly just don't want to. She always does this. She wanted to use my phone one time and then I was joking around because fuck you, it's my phone. And I honestly, honestly don't think I was taking it too far, but she snapped at me and I just sat quietly and let her use my phone freely to text some other bitch I don't like. 

And she's loud and annoying and out there and I've tried to help her in times of need and she still finds it okay to do things like this. And I've been really happy that she was about to leave. Since freshman year. Our activities and groups coincided more often than I would have liked. 

So bye, thanks for literally nothing, you have contributed absolutely nothing to my life. Thank you. 

I'm happy that I am about to leave behind so so so so many people in a year. I'm leaving behind all of this and it feels so good. Just one more year of this. No more pretending to be friends with someone just because they sit in the same lunch group. No more dreading being left alone with particular people. No more fake smiles and forced laughter. No need to stop doing certain things because it'll offend you.I know things like this will happen in college, but I will be ready to walk away. At this point, I can't because I see these fucking people almost every day. 

I don't like a lot of people. That's basically my point. 

Friday, August 3, 2012

This year continued

I expect lunch to be the same. The group might accept more freshmen and other people and maybe it might lose people, you never know. It's happened. I'll probably retain my spot as the steps girl, which is kind of comfortable. I'm not stuck in one spot and I can stand. I don't mind throwing away food if I'm asked politely. I can easily jump around places if I need to. This spot has many strategic advantages. Being shut out kind of trains you for that.
I expect a tiny power struggle between my main group and incoming freshmen. Damn, I really liked this year's freshmen. I don't know how this upcoming one is going to be. We're all going to have little sisters and I think I have mine picked out. I've been stalking her on Twitter for a while, so when I ask her about her summer, I'll have to fake surprise.
I don't know who my actual sister is going to and I think I made some people scared of her. She's not as rotten as I let on all the time. She's kind of exactly like me. It's weird. We both get really unfavorable sometimes and we scheme but it's not...not as bad. She's like, the amplified version of me but muted in some ways. She's more quiet than I am and she's funnier in a different way. If she decides to be outgoing, she's really eccentric but not annoyingly so. I don't know how this turned into a thing about my sister but yeah.
It's just weird how...she's just starting and I'm about to wrap it up here. To think that she'll find her own comfortable spots and spend time in the library and roam the hallways just like I did. To think that she's going to find her second family even if finalizing it takes over three years. I can't even hold it together now but... I wish her the best.
St. Agnes was a really good choice for me, I think. Despite the minor issues, this...this huge building was the site of many life-changing experiences. I could not ask for better teachers, better lessons, or better friends.
I think I can understand why they say high school is one of the best times of your life. It's the growing up part. It holds your hand as you try to walk on the shaded path of maturity. It goes from something montrous in the eyes of an 8th grader to a best friend as you get closer to the end. Because I kind of think this school is a best friend in a way. So much has happened and not everything may be positive but it's comforting. It's home. It's actually a home.
And just wow, holy...the people here. Yes I whine about some of them. But what's the saying...diamonds shine even brighter when cast in dirt? Ok probably not. But when you encounter a diamond here, it's brilliant. It's brilliant and amazing and you just want to take it and show it to others and keep them forever.
This year is going to be terrible because I know it's the end.

This year

I'm just going to go through my schedule and list my thoughts about each one.
Pre-cal. I don't know how to label my relationship with math. I think I can compare it to one of my "friendships." I can talk to the friend and we have really awesome moments of bonding and fun. Sometimes at the end of it all, I look back and start smiling all over again. But most of the time, I get annoyed by the difficulty and the amount of time I have to spend on it and I just realize how incompatible we are. I'll have times where I understand everything and it's smooth sailing, but I can only handle it in small chunks. Prolonged exposure will drive me to insanity and though others might say I'm good at it, I really don't see a future with it. I've started the summer homework for it and I've already developed a hatred for it. It's review, not even new stuff. So I don't know how this'll turn out.
What's next? Journalism. I'm really happy about it. Ok, it's a very good thing that I was not made EiC, because that's not what I wanted. I don't have the time and honestly, I don't have the skills. It's editing the layouts and deadlines and getting on people's asses about deadlines and I had no experience with layout work. It's just the title that's appealing. The title is what colleges see and next year I'm worried about the one I can get. I...don't want to do editorials and turn things into a publishing company. But I do want to contribute all of my ideas and most of all, I just want to write. So while the initial wave of failure washed over me, I now see this as a good thing. I'm really glad that in the middle of the gossipy people in there, I have one important friend there to talk to. If it weren't for her, I honestly would have quit Journalism this year. So all-in-all, I'm excited. Nervous. But willing to accept whatever happens.
Philosophy. I know a lot of my friends are going to be in this class and I'm excited about that. But the teacher scares the piss out of me. I admit, I suck up to teachers. I like being able to talk to them and feeling comfortable with raising my hand in class. I learn better in cases like that and I pay attention more. Which is why having a lot of friends is a bad thing because they see me in a different way. I normally see most of them in a laidback environment so this'll be different. Especially with this teacher. So...I'm nervous, happy about friends. Just...actually scared. Because I have one buddy who already developed a relationship with him and I already see how things might possibly be and...well. I guess I don't want to look stupid in front of any of them. Right.
English. I don't even know. Um, I love English, but I don't know what to expect. Last year was really good because I felt comfortable in the class and spoke out and the class worked together well. The teacher was one of my favorites, too. This year, I just don't know what to expect. So far, I don't know of any friends who will be in this class. But I'm afraid of getting stuck with one of the really annoying people in my grade. Last year's class was a really good mix of people but I'm afraid of getting a class where speaking up would be frowned upon.
AP Gov and Econ. Aw hell. I don't know really. Um, this subject is similar to math in that I have mixed feelings about it. I'm afraid that as the year goes on, I'll dig myself into a rut and I'll have multiple chances to redeem myself but I'll fuck each one up. Sort of like what I did with science and math. It's the information in all three of these subjects. Not just that, but I'll explain the rest next.
Ok, so first things first. I'll go out and say it. The people in all classes act a certain way, but I've noticed something different in honors classes in particular. Not all of them of course, but there's a pattern. You've got the nice, humble smart people. Naturally gifted and just totally eager to learn and help. They ask questions and you can tell that they have a genuine interest in learning for themselves. They are the ones people can go to help without feeling stupid. They're not condescending. Then you have the people in the middle who are in the same class and they pick up on stuff but they don't really give out help. Kind of just all-around average and nothing is wrong with that. I guess I fall into this one. The kids who sort of marvel at how others get things flawlessly. The ones who appreciate help and try to work to maintain a high position. Then you have the flaunters. They're smart and they let everyone know it. "No, not just honors, I'm in Advanced Placement Honors Biology." They find a way to sneak something about APs in a lot of conversations. They try to offer help, but they'll talk down to you. They are the bitches who sit next to you and rip the test from your desk to compare grades when you purposefully turned that shit upside down and put it under your computer. They are the ones who don't ask how you did on something, but rather, "whoa, wasn't that really easy?"
There are a disproportionate amount of the third kind in honors classes. In every class really, I'm not attempting to appear better by saying this and I know it may sound like that. But those type of people ruin the environment. It was a combination of that and honestly the material and my own self that lead to my science situation. I thought biology was my thing. I have always liked science and I've been decent at it but this past year was brutal. I don't know how, but something was different. Gradewise it was okay, but I just didn't like being there. That and the lunch classes were just annoying but still. I didn't like the environment and that lead to me hating the subject which fucking sucks because if I fell in love with the subject, I might have a stable future.
Another thing I couldn't help was the math thing, which determined whether I was to go to the next honors science class. But freshman year, I fucked that up. I didn't try. And maybe it's not the fact that I didn't get into honors physic, but rather... I could have if I had made a few more, just 3 more As in math freshman year. Just 3. That close. That fucking close. I wouldn't have been kicked out of the math course and I wouldn't deal with that same test-stealer condescending twat.
So yes, physics will be a change. It's mostly juniors I guess so that's another thing because I don't like their class. I know at least one person going into this (shout-out if you're reading this right now, I'm trying to find a way to write it without being weird) and in this case it is a really good thing. Not just the fact that we are friends, but just having another senior. It's mostly being surrounded by juniors that's a pressing issue. I'm used to the dynamics of my own class, but these people are totally different. I also don't know what to expect of the subject matter or teacher. It's all going to be new.
Finally Performance Workshop. Ok so...I'm going to go ahead and say it, I feel like from now on it's just a battle to beat the last performance and it'll keep being like that. That goes for all things in life but I guess especially when you're being watched by others as entertainment. It's getting used to nervousness and the very real possibility of messing up and hearing people talk about you. It's also getting used to the attention. The bad attention. The one from people who would otherwise gossip about you for other things. The attention in general. I like to sing. I love it. But there's pressure now because people will start comparing and judging and expecting more. And honestly, truthfully, really I'm not trying in any way to seem like this is bragging about getting in. I think it's more...adjusting and not being sure that I want to. I don't want to change who I am and that sounds kind of cliche but yeah. So. Worried and confused.
After school, I am set to be a field hockey manager and later in the year, the part in the musical. I'm looking forward to being a team manager. I hope to bond with the team and well...sports are really emotional sometimes and I hope to share that. And then theater is tied in with the singing stuff, plus there's the cliques and loud people and just trying to fit in. Or at least look cool and occupied during the times where I will be alone. I've perfected that with my phone and/or a semi-natural fake sleeping face.
I still feel terrible about dancing. I can't even elaborate on it, I just suck.
If I had more time...
I would still be taking an art class. Oh and Psychology, goddamn. Those are the two things that I really wanted to do and I would gladly switch that out with every one of the language classes I took. I'd also start my own club maybe and then join Engineering but there is just no time. After February, I'll probably be alone after school but by then I'll be able to drive myself home. Ending on that note...but not really.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Phone blogging and things that piss me off

So the grammar and writing structure might be kind of different, I guess since I'm churning away on my phone. It has a really tiny display and while it is cute sometimes, it gets really annoying after a while. Like babies or animals or the whole Hello Kitty fanbase where you find grown-ass women devoting their entire lives to the damn disproportionate cute fucking cat. And I'm not trying to bag on people who find pleasure in something. I'm in a really shitty mood so I'm taking it out on babies and animals and Hello Kitty. But real talk, babies can get really annoying.

Anyway, today has been a really humid and disgusting one. I can't use my bitch of a computer and I wanted to write a diary entry but I can't so I'm doing this and just wow. It's not the end of the world, but it's an inconvenience and sometimes it's okay to whine about the "little things."

Like, honestly, all I want to do is complain because that's what I would do in the fuxkong diary entry but I can't.

So yeah first, computer, piece of shit. It just up and flopped out all of a sudden. And at the time my sister was carrying out her duties as Satan's servant with great gusto by howling out a live running singing commentary. The fucking worst. Because when your computer isn't working or your food is getting burnt or your baby is broken, the last thing you want to hear is some gotdamn singing and, "oh...oh...is it still broken? Why did you break it? What did you even do wrong?" to the melody of shitty elevator music.

Today we went through our most passive-aggressive interaction ever. She did a bunch of just flat-out petty stuff, too. Like she took the Pyrex pan that I used to make cookies and put it in front of my door with a fucking note that said "please clean me." It had a drawing of the pan on it, too, and I think that's what pissed me off the most. I was going to get to cleaning it, don't get me wrong. I'm lazy, but I do get around to things.

Shit, I just really want this poor thing to work again. I'm also not pleased with the fact that I won't ever be able to write my name in the snow with urine. I'm also kind of pissed about the word "urine" because it's kind of uncomfortable. On top of that, I'm mad at how I'm not comfortable with that word because I guess I should be. Fuck.

I spraypainted my carpet on accident. It's red and well, if my dad ever planned on selling it, that's not going to go over well.

I kept a voicemail from the same punk-ass butthat who spat verbal acid at my hair choice. He called me aggravating. I'm not too worked up about it now, so I don't know why I'm keeping it in my voicemail archive or whatever. I think it's a reminder that no matter how fucking hard you try to be nice to someone, those hos out there will shoot you down. I need to remember and realize that not everyone is going to like me.

I've been not liked before, and I won't lie and say I didn't deserve any of the hatred. But this was uncalled for. Ok so maybe I am still a bit sore about it.

It looks like the German flag now, but in the wrong order. Orange-red, yellow and black. Yeah, really. The orangey stuff was accidental...sort of. I dyed it all back to black except for two parts near my ear, but that made me look like Frakenstein's monster's lady friend. Not my best decision. So I tortured my hair by putting bleach on top of it and now it's blood red, but not bright blood, like...the stuff in bags for transfusions I guess.

So I'm just obsessed with appearance. Not of other people, but more with myself. As much as I'd love to be one of those all-natural people, I can't. It's my way of expressing myself. I think really, it's colors. Like, that's really the foundation of my personal obsession. If things look good together, I want it. Which explains the three different colors of hair now and the countless eyeshadow colors. It's not prissiness or girliness, I don't think. I wanna say it's more...art. Because that is honestly what I enjoy the most, aside from humor and like well people.

I don't do things to get noticed and I don't do things for reactions, but it's more...I like how that works together with another thing. My dad doesn't seem to understand.

He thinks all of my recent drastic changes are the result of peer pressure. I hate copying people, though.

I'm really impulsive when it comes to some things. I don't think a lot of things through. I tried to give myself a huge henna tattoo on my leg after forgetting I had an allergic reaction to it earlier. I got a few pictures out of it, though. I want things and I want them to be perfect and I want them as quickly as possible. Which is why I've applied bleach to parts of my hair 4 times in a week to get the right color, when they say to try it only once a month. I blew all of the money in my bank account for some rings from Singapore. The common factor in all of these was that I could feel that I probably shouldn't do any of it, but my desire for perfection and whatever else was greater.

This is now turning into a list of my flaws. I'm a pro at saying I'm able to go places with people but something always comes up. But I wait until the last moment to tell them and it's rude and annoying and I know. And then people start thinking I hate them when I don't.

Except in some cases, I really just don't want to go. Like I was invited once to this fun adventure one time and I was kind of friends with everyone but not really and I just didn't want to go. Because I started thinking about conversation dynamics and figured it wasn't worth going just to be ignored. Or like someone invited me to a family trip but like actually we never talked much at all.

So I mean, excuse after excuse and I can't tell whether I really want to hang out with people at all now. But then I get all fucking sad and stuff because I didn't go and well, goddamnit Micaela make up your fucking mind.

Another thing that I'm pissed about is the fact that I am not driving or learning and well fuxk it's so just no. I'm not mad at my parents, because they're busy. But just like, everyone is either already doing it or they're about to do it. All I need to do is fucking learn damn it. Damn it. I've done the classes and now I just need to get behind a wheel. To be honest, I just don't want to be that senior who isn't driving and I KNOW it's a bad attitude to have because I want to rush things. But right now I'm not trying to make myself seem perfect.

Yeah, that's it thanks, bye.