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Saturday, April 21, 2012

Gratitude.

I meant to post this way earlier...as in, a few months ago. I made some changes and added a few things.

I'm just here to let off steam. I usually whine to myself or to other people BUT, I promised a few people that I would stop complaining. So instead of complaining about things, I'm going to list things that I am thankful for, to remind me that life is wonderful.

MAJOR ONES: I am thankful for my family. They do everything for me and I wish I could do that for them.I am thankful for my friends. They are ridiculously amazing and hilarious and caring. I wish I were a better one. I am thankful that I go to a school where MOST of the people know what they are doing. (UPDATE: NOPE, Junior Year has taught me that almost everyone at my school, excluding my friends, are fucking ignorant assholes)

  1. I am thankful that my nose isn't stuffed up.
  2. I am thankful that I don't have to write "I am thankful" before everything, because I know you will understand.
  3. I can see!
  4. I am breathing. 
  5.  I appreciate the fact that I spotted the number option on the top of this post before I got too far. 
  6. A bowling ball is not headed towards my face.
  7. A large roach is nowhere to be seen. (UPDATE: I saw an inch-long spider, but it's dead now)
  8. I have arms.
  9. I can read.
  10. I have socks.
  11. I have access to food, water, and internet.
  12. I have a fan.
  13. Nothing on my person is aching.
  14. I have no mosquito bites.
  15. A wasp has never attacked me.
  16. I have never broken a limb.
  17. I just used the bathroom.
  18. It. Was. Amazing. 
  19. I had a pet fish once and it taught me two things: Responsibility, and to never drop fish food directly on it's gills. Because it kills it. YAY FOR LEARNING. 
  20. I have a working computer.
  21. I have a charger.
  22. I have a phone.
  23. I have hairties.
  24. I have shoes.
  25. I have bracelets. Life would be somewhat difficult without bracelets.
  26. I don't have to impress anyone right now because I am alone.
  27. I can think.
  28. I can maekk lall teh tpoyes i want. 
  29. But I have the option of choosing otherwise.
  30. I have 10 fingers.
  31. I have a tongue.
  32. I can fold my tongue.
  33. I can roll r's for a while. 
  34. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
  35. I can make Ramen noodles!
  36. I have a working phone charger. (UPDATE: It's kind of screwy, but it still works)
  37. I have toothpaste.
  38. I have soap.
  39. I have shampoo.
  40. I have electricity.
  41. I have music.
  42. I have yet to experience a break-up.
  43. I have yet to experience being caught up in an affair.
  44. I have yet to go through a long-distance relationship.
  45. I have yet to think of ways to impress a significant other.
  46. I am single.
  47. I am single.
  48. I am single. (UPDATE: STILL SINGLE, but that's honestly fine)
  49. I have milk in the fridge!
  50. I have chocolate syrup, too!
  51. And ice cream.
  52. I have most of my school supplies.
  53. My grades are...OKAY, and that's OKAY.
  54. I have a nail clipper.
  55. I have clothes. That's pretty important.
  56. I have make-up...
  57. I have a mattress.
  58. I can talk!
  59. I have a large block of styrofoam in one of my drawers. I can't wait to think of things to do with it!
  60. StumbleUpon isn't blocked at my school!!!!!!!!!!! (UPDATE: Maybe not anymore, but another site is still allowed!)
  61. I have full mobility.
  62. I have paper.
  63. My printer has ink!
  64. I have scarves!
  65. I have candy-vitamins.
  66. I have readers that might actually read this entire list.
  67. They are special and lovely. 
  68. They get to read that I really appreciate them.
  69. Only those who read all of it can see this.
  70. SHH.
  71. I recognize that this is the number 71.
  72. I can count.
  73. Ironman headphones.(UPDATE: They broke, but I have other ones)
  74. Yesterday was better than any prom shindig could have ever been.
  75. My favorite show merchandise ring thing just came in!
  76. Colleges that I have actually heard of are mailing me things.
  77. So are the obscure ones, but they're funny, so it's cool.
  78. I have new glasses.
  79. I don't have any serious illnesses!
  80. My foot itches, but I just scratched it.
  81. I'm not pregnant.
  82. I just saw my little brother and he got a haircut. He hugs me enthusiastically whenever I see him.
  83. My grandmother is back from the hospital and she's alive and well.
  84. MY DAD GOT A JOB. 
  85. I got into the organization that I wanted to for my service project AND I'm doing it with some of the best people ever. 
  86. I once made a pseudo-celebrity laugh. 
  87. I AM NOT COURTNEY STODDEN. (UPDATE: Just checked myself, and I am still not Courtney Stodden, thank goodness.)
  88. I just had a really nice cookie.
  89. I made nuggets today and they were perfectly crisp. 
  90. I don't have to hold my bladder because the bathroom is right next to my room.
  91. The back of my ears feel really soft.
  92. I don't have armpit hair, so if someone needs to see me in a tanktop for some reason right now, I can go out and still have confidence.
  93. Speaking of clothes, I'm not wearing the tight-torture device otherwise known as pants, but
  94. I still have enough dignity so I won't go out in public like this, which is very un-Courtney-Stodden-like, because that bitch would do something like that.
  95. I'm seeing one of my favorite bands this summer.
  96. My glasses get darker when I'm outside.
  97. My carpet is very soft.
  98. I have a lot of purple things in my life.
  99. Purple actually works well with my skin tone.
  100. I am loved.

BONUS: Since a lot of the ones up there^^ were repeated.

101. I have never been embarrassed in class from an awkward boner because I am not a boy.
102. My speakers still work.
103. I was almost about to eat cream of wheat with maggots in it, but I didn't!
104. I smell like cotton.

I hate goodbyes.

The new interface is so shiny and orange and pretty. I took a long moment to honor the newness of it. Onward?

Junior year is almost over. I'm about to say goodbye to a lot of things, including several people who have taken very significant chunks out of my heart and exchanged them for pieces of their own. If you know me, this won't come as a surprise, but I once spent three evenings recently in total darkness to reflect on those certain people and I gifted each person a gallon of tears.

I hate goodbyes. As if making new friends wasn't enough, I have to somehow "deal with change" and say goodbye to fucking all of them. "Oh, you'll always keep in touch, Micaela, calm down." Except no. No, once people leave, they change. There are exceptions, yes, but I have yet to experience one. If by "keeping in touch", you mean that we'll occasionally poke each other on Facebook and post a quick "happy birthday:):)" on their walls every year, then sure, it'll be easy to keep in touch.

What's hard to do is to actually maintain a friendship with someone you don't see almost every day. People change after they leave because nothing ties them together anymore. They can't complain about teachers or about something they saw in the lunch line because they're not seeing the same things. No short exchanges in the hallway. No weird faces across the classroom. No way to ask them to accompany you to go talk to an intimidating teacher.

When I mentioned the amount of tears I shed earlier in this post, I forgot to mention the actions that accompanied it. The pounding of my pillow, the hurling of my entire physical being into my bed in agony, the stupid fists making contact with my stupid blue and pink walls. I felt that everything was just so stupid. Including myself, because at that point, I clearly had no control over my emotions.

This year, I'm only saying goodbye to three seniors and one junior, and I feel like I can't. I just can't. It honestly feels like each of them might as well never make contact with me again- starting today, instead of eventually drifting apart.

And what the ever-living, sin-forgiving FUCK am I going to do about next year, when I'm forced to leave my family? The biological one and the one that I spent years building up? The people who raised me, who I could turn to easily, who were only an email or a phone call away? This sentence might as well have a goddamn question mark, too?

At this time next year, I will just have to force the inevitable truths of life to the back of my head, and only face it when it's in front of me. My other option is to start killing of every single one of my meaningful relationships so I won't have anything to say goodbye to. Sometimes I wish I were friendless, completely friendless. Maybe sometimes I wish that instead of being loved by so many people, everyone hated me. As in, their lives would be better if they never ever saw me again. That would make goodbyes so much easier. I'm not going through with this option, though. Why? Because my emotions are larger than my brain.

I'm only afraid of losing contact with people because I know I won't be able to communicate with them myself. I'm conscious of how others see me and my friendly advantages. I don't want to be clingy, but I so desperately want to be wanted. I don't want to send them an email two years from now and get back a one-word actual reply, followed by three paragraphs of their other, new, shiny friends. So chances are, I'll miss them one day, type out a message, and never send it. I'll probably listen to Gotye and fill my mouth with Blue Bell ice cream. Then I'll cry because Blue Bell ice cream reminds me of that one thing we did way back in high school. Then I'll sob some more and think about high school.

Eugh, what else is going on in my life? I'll get back to you on that.