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Saturday, April 21, 2012

I hate goodbyes.

The new interface is so shiny and orange and pretty. I took a long moment to honor the newness of it. Onward?

Junior year is almost over. I'm about to say goodbye to a lot of things, including several people who have taken very significant chunks out of my heart and exchanged them for pieces of their own. If you know me, this won't come as a surprise, but I once spent three evenings recently in total darkness to reflect on those certain people and I gifted each person a gallon of tears.

I hate goodbyes. As if making new friends wasn't enough, I have to somehow "deal with change" and say goodbye to fucking all of them. "Oh, you'll always keep in touch, Micaela, calm down." Except no. No, once people leave, they change. There are exceptions, yes, but I have yet to experience one. If by "keeping in touch", you mean that we'll occasionally poke each other on Facebook and post a quick "happy birthday:):)" on their walls every year, then sure, it'll be easy to keep in touch.

What's hard to do is to actually maintain a friendship with someone you don't see almost every day. People change after they leave because nothing ties them together anymore. They can't complain about teachers or about something they saw in the lunch line because they're not seeing the same things. No short exchanges in the hallway. No weird faces across the classroom. No way to ask them to accompany you to go talk to an intimidating teacher.

When I mentioned the amount of tears I shed earlier in this post, I forgot to mention the actions that accompanied it. The pounding of my pillow, the hurling of my entire physical being into my bed in agony, the stupid fists making contact with my stupid blue and pink walls. I felt that everything was just so stupid. Including myself, because at that point, I clearly had no control over my emotions.

This year, I'm only saying goodbye to three seniors and one junior, and I feel like I can't. I just can't. It honestly feels like each of them might as well never make contact with me again- starting today, instead of eventually drifting apart.

And what the ever-living, sin-forgiving FUCK am I going to do about next year, when I'm forced to leave my family? The biological one and the one that I spent years building up? The people who raised me, who I could turn to easily, who were only an email or a phone call away? This sentence might as well have a goddamn question mark, too?

At this time next year, I will just have to force the inevitable truths of life to the back of my head, and only face it when it's in front of me. My other option is to start killing of every single one of my meaningful relationships so I won't have anything to say goodbye to. Sometimes I wish I were friendless, completely friendless. Maybe sometimes I wish that instead of being loved by so many people, everyone hated me. As in, their lives would be better if they never ever saw me again. That would make goodbyes so much easier. I'm not going through with this option, though. Why? Because my emotions are larger than my brain.

I'm only afraid of losing contact with people because I know I won't be able to communicate with them myself. I'm conscious of how others see me and my friendly advantages. I don't want to be clingy, but I so desperately want to be wanted. I don't want to send them an email two years from now and get back a one-word actual reply, followed by three paragraphs of their other, new, shiny friends. So chances are, I'll miss them one day, type out a message, and never send it. I'll probably listen to Gotye and fill my mouth with Blue Bell ice cream. Then I'll cry because Blue Bell ice cream reminds me of that one thing we did way back in high school. Then I'll sob some more and think about high school.

Eugh, what else is going on in my life? I'll get back to you on that.

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