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Saturday, May 12, 2012

End of the Year

Let's start off by saying that I am so happy. I'm happy and lazy and worried, but the only thing that matters to me right now, honestly, honestly, honestly, is that I am happy. 

So, come at me, you delirious life-ruiners, minions of the Sadness God, those who seek to destroy my joy and attack my smiling face to crank my smile into a disgusting frown. Approach me with your smelly, filthy hands and touch my happy-as-butts, YES, happy-as-butts face, I dare you. I. Dare. You.

Let me tell you why I am so happy. Happy as a butt. Happy as an object that no one ever considers to be happy. It's because things are going wrong and bad things are about to happen and people are going to get sad and angry but I can't do anything about it. I cannot change what is about to happen, so I'll let them happen and I'll let my feelings deal with them when the time comes. 

I honestly, truly, really cannot change some things that I really want to change, and I have several options. One is to deny everything and be happy because maybe, hey, yeah, maybe I can change the entire order of the observable, experience-able world. Another is to just ignore everything and be happy. Next? I can accept it and adopt this whole depressing persona all of a sudden. No. But I choose to accept it and  be happy, joyful, cheerful for the moment because there's too much time for sadness in this lifetime because it keeps on throwing sad-as-shit things at you. 

No, wait. Let's go back to making some sense. I'm genuinely a happy person. I like seeing sunlight pour into my room every morning and I don't wake up dreading what might happen on a certain day. So for a person who is always happy, her happiness is muted by the constant "there-ness" of it all. Happiness becomes normal, good things just happen to you. So that is my normal. 

Where am I going with this? Oh right. This is all just one giant, oddly-worded way of saying that I'm happy because I'm scared. I'm scared as I-don't-know-what because I can't change anything. I'm happy though. It's such a weird way to put it together. I'm so scared and I don't want any of this to happen. I cannot change a single thing, no matter what I do or how hard I try. I can't rewind or whatever. 

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, I just do not know what is going on.