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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Hooray!

I love people! Wow. You can just talk and talk and talk with some of them for hours. And with others, you're fine with just listening to their ramblings. And every once in a while, you are lucky enough to find someone you can do both with. And you see them and you're both so engaged with one another and looking back, you realize how magical that brief moment was.

Sometimes, you don't even have to say any words at all, you're fine with just sitting there and listening to the other person breathe. It sounds kind of creepy, but it's actually just so profound and significant because it's like, you're getting even closer through the silence.

I may be really shy sometimes, but get me talking, and I'll honestly fall into some sort of weird kind of love with you if I find you worthy. Right, yeah, and I'll constantly want to chase it and chase the company of whoever is pleasant, but not in a weird way. Just in the kind of way that makes everyone involved comfortable.

There are people who are just better with talking through the internet, and honestly, man, YEAH, that works out just fine for me. You could be typing shit in Morse code, and you're pleasant enough in my eyes that I would get a translator and translate it myself and back to you. Because you're that likable to me. The one-word greetings turn into sentences and paragraphs and novellas and we both start losing our place and sometimes we skip out on topics, but it's all good.

You've also got the phone people, not texting, but talking. Straight-up talking. The people who will call you while doing mundane things. And you get to hear them do normal people stuff and it's nice because it makes you aware that they're human and you're human and it's all just dandy. You hear pots in the background and then whispered curse words and apologies and giggles. And their family members scolding them. It's all so warm and inviting, in a sense.

Then you've got the people who still operate through a computer screen, but it's more Facebook chatty. HEY, that's fine, too, I love it. By this point, I'm so close to you that I don't give a flying shit about the "Seen at __:__" bullshit. Yes, I saw that you saw my message and yes you saw that I saw yours, but we're so cool that we honestly don't care. YouTube links and images of food aside, I just find it really easy and naturally to lose some of my grammatical bearings and just talk about life.

Hell, I just love talking to people, hooray people, you rock, people. Keep on doing your whole "fantastic" stuff, really, I mean it. This post is just one weird celebration of the good things about people. I LOVE EVERYONE.

Lame-ass Personality "Crisis"


So I've been changing a lot of my personality and I don't know why. I was fine with my old self, but now I think I'm being influenced by a totally different group of people.

I think that's also part of the reason I went ahead with this hair thing.

It started last summer. I had been watching What Not to Wear and one of the hosts is Stacey London. She has this tiny white streak in her hair. I wanted something like that so badly. I don't even know why. I just thought of how cool it was. It was unique and it made her really stand out. I don't even really like her too much as a person. Anyone who spends that much time telling people that their wardrobe is shitty is not deserving of my respect. But her hair was cool.

So, I started with actual Clorox. I wanted instant gratification. I marveled at how quickly Clorox could ruin clothes and I thought it would do the same to my hair. I mixed some with water and applied it. All it did was burn my scalp.

Then I went on to hydrogen peroxide, which worked over the course of a few weeks. The chunk of hair gradually became a dark brassy color, which I was somewhat pleased about.

So that made me feel a bit more unique. That's what I was chasing, you know? I wanted to be noticed. I was about to go into Junior Year and I wanted people to acknowledge me. Sophomore year was ridiculous. I think at the beginning, I was close to a minor fall-out with one of my closest friends on the grounds of being ignored.

So something as insignificant as hair color would magically change everything, because then everybody at lunch would want to talk to me. Sounds so stupid now that I think about it. But anyway. New year, new hair, new me.

It's kind of hard to get back into writing like this so I'm sorry about the quality. I'm just trying to get all of my thoughts out there.

The hair attention faded gradually. I was thankful about it. Yeah. But now it's this year. And I wanted that change again. So here I fucking am. I'm blonde on top. But fake-blonde. It's so different. It's so dramatically different. And that is what started all of my worrying about my personality.

My sense of humor has changed. I feel like I'm borrowing from other people. The hair doesn't feel like it's me and I'm getting really aware of how different it is. All of my posts have this weird vibe to them. It's like I'm not me.

This. Sounds. So. Whiny. But I promise it's more...significant to me than it seems on the screen right now. I mean, wowow, Micaela, you're complaining about your fucking hair and now you have to go soul-searching?

Well, yes, kind of. I want to feel like me again, not borrowed. I feel like other people are picking up on it and that'll lead to judgment or whatever.

This is the whiniest post ever. Honestly. I don't know. I want to go back in time. Un-dye my hair, start over. I can't even fucking write anymore, it's just so different. Fuck. I don't want to be the girl with the hair and the fucking Tumblr and the...whatever.

Like, FUCK, really, I'm kind of frustrated with who I became over the course of this summer. I don't know if other people have picked up on it, but I'm different. I just want………………………..I don't know. I need something but I don't know what. And it makes me sounds needy and desperate for something but I mean.

Ok. So. What I do know is this. Um, hi, my name is Micaela. I really like the color purple, it's just so perfect. Um, what else, I'm really into writing, art in any form, and uh, well people. That's it. Basics. I'll rebuild from there, I guess. Just, what, totally start over. I don't know. Jeez.