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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Lame-ass Personality "Crisis"

So I've been changing a lot of my personality and I don't know why. I was fine with my old self, but now I think I'm being influenced by a totally different group of people.

I think that's also part of the reason I went ahead with this hair thing.

It started last summer. I had been watching What Not to Wear and one of the hosts is Stacey London. She has this tiny white streak in her hair. I wanted something like that so badly. I don't even know why. I just thought of how cool it was. It was unique and it made her really stand out. I don't even really like her too much as a person. Anyone who spends that much time telling people that their wardrobe is shitty is not deserving of my respect. But her hair was cool.

So, I started with actual Clorox. I wanted instant gratification. I marveled at how quickly Clorox could ruin clothes and I thought it would do the same to my hair. I mixed some with water and applied it. All it did was burn my scalp.

Then I went on to hydrogen peroxide, which worked over the course of a few weeks. The chunk of hair gradually became a dark brassy color, which I was somewhat pleased about.

So that made me feel a bit more unique. That's what I was chasing, you know? I wanted to be noticed. I was about to go into Junior Year and I wanted people to acknowledge me. Sophomore year was ridiculous. I think at the beginning, I was close to a minor fall-out with one of my closest friends on the grounds of being ignored.

So something as insignificant as hair color would magically change everything, because then everybody at lunch would want to talk to me. Sounds so stupid now that I think about it. But anyway. New year, new hair, new me.

It's kind of hard to get back into writing like this so I'm sorry about the quality. I'm just trying to get all of my thoughts out there.

The hair attention faded gradually. I was thankful about it. Yeah. But now it's this year. And I wanted that change again. So here I fucking am. I'm blonde on top. But fake-blonde. It's so different. It's so dramatically different. And that is what started all of my worrying about my personality.

My sense of humor has changed. I feel like I'm borrowing from other people. The hair doesn't feel like it's me and I'm getting really aware of how different it is. All of my posts have this weird vibe to them. It's like I'm not me.

This. Sounds. So. Whiny. But I promise it's more...significant to me than it seems on the screen right now. I mean, wowow, Micaela, you're complaining about your fucking hair and now you have to go soul-searching?

Well, yes, kind of. I want to feel like me again, not borrowed. I feel like other people are picking up on it and that'll lead to judgment or whatever.

This is the whiniest post ever. Honestly. I don't know. I want to go back in time. Un-dye my hair, start over. I can't even fucking write anymore, it's just so different. Fuck. I don't want to be the girl with the hair and the fucking Tumblr and the...whatever.

Like, FUCK, really, I'm kind of frustrated with who I became over the course of this summer. I don't know if other people have picked up on it, but I'm different. I just want………………………..I don't know. I need something but I don't know what. And it makes me sounds needy and desperate for something but I mean.

Ok. So. What I do know is this. Um, hi, my name is Micaela. I really like the color purple, it's just so perfect. Um, what else, I'm really into writing, art in any form, and uh, well people. That's it. Basics. I'll rebuild from there, I guess. Just, what, totally start over. I don't know. Jeez. 

1 comment:

  1. To be honest, I noticed a little bit of changes. I didn't notice right at the start, but I *have* noticed. I tried to change myself a little too, that was mostly sophomore year, and it ended badly. Junior year was my kinda reboot, where I went back to being a lame internet user who likes computers. And I'm really glad you guys still liked me for it. I also acted a bit more bitchy this year, and a bit more nice (I hope? I think?) This year. For me it's hard because I always want to better myself, but I still want to feel like me. Like I don't feel like I'm me if I'm too nice, because I consider myself a mostly mean person, so I've been trying to fix that self image, cause I don't like being mean all the time.
    I had been wondering where all the hair dye was coming from, and I'm sad that you don't like it. I liked the brassy dye, it looked classy (that rhymes :) ). I haven't seen your blonde chunk except in that picture on your new Hello Kitty, I'm Mimi-chan tumblr picture... That was a little interesting too...
    I've talked to not quite adults, but older people, and they all say that high school sucks (even though I think it's awesome right now) because you're so unsure of who you are. I had this identity crisis a while back because I was freaking out over how differently I acted around different people, and how I felt so fake and I couldn't tell which one was the real me. And then I figured that you just have to act differently around different people, you can't act the same to your teachers and your friends, that'd be weird. And so I'm working on all of that nonsense. But it sounds like your dealio is a bit different. If you wanna talk about it with me more you can call or text or email or just show up on my porch.