Thursday, August 16, 2012
I missed junior year so much because I was used to everything and... um. And there wasn't this rush to do everything because senior year and graduating was just so far off. But now it's here and everything is just too different and I really don't like it but I'm trying.
It's not the people. Or it is the people. It's just getting used to all of the classes all over again.
Journalism is fine because it's mostly the same people and I still have that one close friend in there. Also, I really want to congratulate the editors-in-chief because they are doing a good job. Last year, I was immature and bitter about it but I honestly think this worked out for the best. They're on top of things and they work well together and I think that's a key factor in having good leaders of something like this.
After that I had Philosophy and honestly, the entire class is nothing but my friends and I'm afraid it will throw me off. Because anytime I have a friend in a class, I think I dumb myself down because...wow, I don't know. It's just easier for me to speak out loud in a class where I don't really know anyone. It should be the opposite way around, shouldn't it? I just don't like my friends to see how I truly act in class because they already have this sort of image of me. And in this one it's nothing but friends, basically, except for one boy and one girl. So I feel like I won't talk at all. Which sucks. Because I really like the class a lot and the teacher is actually so fantastic. And his voice is like dark chocolate.
English. I freaking love this class so much. I don't know if it's just every single English class but it's perfect. I don't know ANYONE that well, so we're all sort of allowing each other a decent social barrier. We're all really formal with each other kind of. And up to this point, the teacher is my favorite female teacher. She's so dramatic and she just has a really strong passion for English, you can just tell. I really appreciate teachers who love what they do.
Ok and now here is where we take a break and just kind of literally cry about the day because I have no idea. All of these little things kept on happening and they kept on piling up on me. Like, mistake after mistake after mistake and as each class passed, I got more and more frustrated with myself and then after school I was sort of mean to a freshman. And then before I just started to hate everything for some reason except for a few things, like the schedule, the teachers, the subjects.
I just didn't want to be there at all. And prior to that day, someone tagged me on Facebook with the n-word and then I overanalyzed it and I just think too highly of what other people think of me.
And more shitty stuff happened which ended in my sister throwing a fit and being irrational. And then I set out to kill her. Literally.
I tried to kill my sister by choking her and it was the most frightening thing I have ever done. There was so much going on in my head that sounds really stupid and dumb and just trivial. I just don't know how to explain this to anyone.
Usually when I get hormonal, which is what I think it is, I just get really sad. Like I cry at things.
(Wait pause, another thing, I hate it when people comment on my crying because I really cannot control it. I can't stop it and trust me I hate it, but I do it all the fucking time. All the time. And someone already "predicted" during my Philosophy class that I would cry during it. Like what no, really. I love philosophy and I don't get overwhelmed during discussion. Because that's honestly one of my greatest fears. Which again sounds so trivial but I don't give a shit if people think of it as such. I don't want to cry in front of a lot of people. So I mean.)
Anyway, this time, every single bad thing that happened somehow just became ten times worse in my head and I translated? that into anger and then I snapped because I just wanted everyone to go away. I was headed towards my breaking point all throughout the day because of almost every single class. And then the car drive happened and my sister was pissing me off a lot.
And I think the thing is, my parents didn't discipline either of us at all and when they got really angry at each other, my mom especially, they didn't censor it for us. So we grew up thinking angry was normal. Which is why when I do get angry, it sort of explodes and shocks everyone because I cover it up usually. What we needed, maybe, is some of that traditional black and Asian parenting, which includes beatings with a belt and making us sit alone in a locked bathroom in the darkness. Apparently several Filipino mothers do this, it's a thing. Plus beating a child when they didn't get As. Maybe not but...something. Anything, I don't know. Because now there's no control over one daughter who is breaking school rules already if she doesn't get what she wants and another daughter who quite literally attempted to end the other one's life. I'm just saying.
Oh my god I tried to kill her. My sister. My sister. And now I'm doing what I did, just the actions, to her to myself and I know it sounds kind of weird but I don't know. I don't know. But at one point she was just on the floor begging for her life and I knew that I needed to stop because I was honestly so close and I overreacted.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow at all to be perfectly honest because I'm still fucked up and I still hate 99% of the people there and I just don't want to see them at all.
I talked to someone really important on the phone after this while I was on the floor sobbing and they gave me a wake-up call. And now I'm here and I'm not doing any homework and I'd rather just skip tomorrow altogether because fuck everything.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Someone called me cool once. She said, "Micaela, you are the coolest person I know." And that has been one of the greatest compliments I've ever received. It was really unexpected and I always think about it whenever I feel kind of bitter about something. Oh yeah, by the way, this year, I made several POSITIVE PACTS with people so no more negativity...or maybe just less negativity. Anyway, yeah.
This is going to probably come across as really trivial. Yeah, really.
I've never considered myself cool. It just doesn't happen. It's not that I have a really low self-esteem, but it's just that "cool" is so up there. Cool is the kid who people automatically flock to during parties. Cool is effortlessly interacting with people and having them not feel uncomfortable at all. Cool is what I wanted to be since early elementary school, which is when I first found out that I was far from it according to other kids. So hearing that compliment was just like, wow, thanks.
But recently I did everything on the list of "things to never do if you want to be cool and stay cool."
I am so sososososososos awkward. That word is definitely overused, so I'll explain some more. Um, I honestly think I have a natural aversion to being in huge groups of people who I'm not too familiar with. And when I'm forced to hang out in groups, I overthink every single word that might come out of my mouth. And then I overthink the ones that actually make it out of my mouth.
I DON'T KNOW, just everything I did was just the opposite of cool and it's really just wow, I don't know.
Like, someone who I thought... thought I was invisible wanted to hug me when I came into this school event banquet thing and as I got closer, I just said, "why" out loud. Yeah because I honestly did not know why they wanted to hug me. So. "Why?" In their face. During the hug. And then after that I stepped on someone while trying to sit with people I knew. And then I stepped on the foot of one of the people I know. And then I ignored the initial hugger when he tried to joke around. And then I made a statement to somebody that nobody heard but I thought it was really funny, so I was just smiling and looking intently at the person while the person blinked a couple of times.
And then I answered a question directed at someone else. And then I got my Asian history all messed up and made a reference to Chinese bathhouses when Japan is the country that's known for bathhouses. And then I backed into someone completely in an inappropriate way when I really wasn't trying to be inappropriate at all. Not in like a dancing way but just flat-out backing up.
OH! I laughed at someone who was literally sobbing because I mistook their sobbing for pure laughter. In my defense, he later claimed that he was laughing and sobbing at the same time but wow nothing can make you feel like shit more than a wrongly-placed laugh. It was the same "why" person who asked me for a hug.
Looking back over all of this, it's kind of funny. I'm overreacting yeah, but... I don't even know cool. But I'm pretty sure it's not all of this. This is just mistake after mistake. And a lot of insulting people.
And now it's going to lead to even more overthinking and then I'll get even worse when school actually starts because EVEN MORE PEOPLE.
I'm actually dreading the first day back because everyone is going to come up and talk. I seriously forgot how to talk to a bunch of people. Two weeks ago I literally just ended a conversation with one of my homeroom people by walking behind my dad. We were in a Parker Uniform store, so she could definitely still see me. And the conversation wasn't going in a negative direction. I just noticed that she turned her head the other way and I took the chance to leave.
Oh my gosh, and then the back-to-school hugs. And I never know where to put my hands or whether to keep my fist closed or if my arms should go over or under. And I never know how hard to squeeze or if they even consider me close enough to squeeze at all. On my previous first day back, I headed towards one of my friends to hug her and we both stopped right before we could extend our arms and just said, "no." And it's not like we hate each other at all, it's just we are both really uncomfortable huggers.
What else. Oh yeah, those fucking ice-breakers that some teachers might still do on the first days of class.
I'm ending it here right now but yeah, no more people. Bye.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
I expect a tiny power struggle between my main group and incoming freshmen. Damn, I really liked this year's freshmen. I don't know how this upcoming one is going to be. We're all going to have little sisters and I think I have mine picked out. I've been stalking her on Twitter for a while, so when I ask her about her summer, I'll have to fake surprise.
I don't know who my actual sister is going to and I think I made some people scared of her. She's not as rotten as I let on all the time. She's kind of exactly like me. It's weird. We both get really unfavorable sometimes and we scheme but it's not...not as bad. She's like, the amplified version of me but muted in some ways. She's more quiet than I am and she's funnier in a different way. If she decides to be outgoing, she's really eccentric but not annoyingly so. I don't know how this turned into a thing about my sister but yeah.
It's just weird how...she's just starting and I'm about to wrap it up here. To think that she'll find her own comfortable spots and spend time in the library and roam the hallways just like I did. To think that she's going to find her second family even if finalizing it takes over three years. I can't even hold it together now but... I wish her the best.
St. Agnes was a really good choice for me, I think. Despite the minor issues, this...this huge building was the site of many life-changing experiences. I could not ask for better teachers, better lessons, or better friends.
I think I can understand why they say high school is one of the best times of your life. It's the growing up part. It holds your hand as you try to walk on the shaded path of maturity. It goes from something montrous in the eyes of an 8th grader to a best friend as you get closer to the end. Because I kind of think this school is a best friend in a way. So much has happened and not everything may be positive but it's comforting. It's home. It's actually a home.
And just wow, holy...the people here. Yes I whine about some of them. But what's the saying...diamonds shine even brighter when cast in dirt? Ok probably not. But when you encounter a diamond here, it's brilliant. It's brilliant and amazing and you just want to take it and show it to others and keep them forever.
This year is going to be terrible because I know it's the end.
Pre-cal. I don't know how to label my relationship with math. I think I can compare it to one of my "friendships." I can talk to the friend and we have really awesome moments of bonding and fun. Sometimes at the end of it all, I look back and start smiling all over again. But most of the time, I get annoyed by the difficulty and the amount of time I have to spend on it and I just realize how incompatible we are. I'll have times where I understand everything and it's smooth sailing, but I can only handle it in small chunks. Prolonged exposure will drive me to insanity and though others might say I'm good at it, I really don't see a future with it. I've started the summer homework for it and I've already developed a hatred for it. It's review, not even new stuff. So I don't know how this'll turn out.
What's next? Journalism. I'm really happy about it. Ok, it's a very good thing that I was not made EiC, because that's not what I wanted. I don't have the time and honestly, I don't have the skills. It's editing the layouts and deadlines and getting on people's asses about deadlines and I had no experience with layout work. It's just the title that's appealing. The title is what colleges see and next year I'm worried about the one I can get. I...don't want to do editorials and turn things into a publishing company. But I do want to contribute all of my ideas and most of all, I just want to write. So while the initial wave of failure washed over me, I now see this as a good thing. I'm really glad that in the middle of the gossipy people in there, I have one important friend there to talk to. If it weren't for her, I honestly would have quit Journalism this year. So all-in-all, I'm excited. Nervous. But willing to accept whatever happens.
Philosophy. I know a lot of my friends are going to be in this class and I'm excited about that. But the teacher scares the piss out of me. I admit, I suck up to teachers. I like being able to talk to them and feeling comfortable with raising my hand in class. I learn better in cases like that and I pay attention more. Which is why having a lot of friends is a bad thing because they see me in a different way. I normally see most of them in a laidback environment so this'll be different. Especially with this teacher. So...I'm nervous, happy about friends. Just...actually scared. Because I have one buddy who already developed a relationship with him and I already see how things might possibly be and...well. I guess I don't want to look stupid in front of any of them. Right.
English. I don't even know. Um, I love English, but I don't know what to expect. Last year was really good because I felt comfortable in the class and spoke out and the class worked together well. The teacher was one of my favorites, too. This year, I just don't know what to expect. So far, I don't know of any friends who will be in this class. But I'm afraid of getting stuck with one of the really annoying people in my grade. Last year's class was a really good mix of people but I'm afraid of getting a class where speaking up would be frowned upon.
AP Gov and Econ. Aw hell. I don't know really. Um, this subject is similar to math in that I have mixed feelings about it. I'm afraid that as the year goes on, I'll dig myself into a rut and I'll have multiple chances to redeem myself but I'll fuck each one up. Sort of like what I did with science and math. It's the information in all three of these subjects. Not just that, but I'll explain the rest next.
Ok, so first things first. I'll go out and say it. The people in all classes act a certain way, but I've noticed something different in honors classes in particular. Not all of them of course, but there's a pattern. You've got the nice, humble smart people. Naturally gifted and just totally eager to learn and help. They ask questions and you can tell that they have a genuine interest in learning for themselves. They are the ones people can go to help without feeling stupid. They're not condescending. Then you have the people in the middle who are in the same class and they pick up on stuff but they don't really give out help. Kind of just all-around average and nothing is wrong with that. I guess I fall into this one. The kids who sort of marvel at how others get things flawlessly. The ones who appreciate help and try to work to maintain a high position. Then you have the flaunters. They're smart and they let everyone know it. "No, not just honors, I'm in Advanced Placement Honors Biology." They find a way to sneak something about APs in a lot of conversations. They try to offer help, but they'll talk down to you. They are the bitches who sit next to you and rip the test from your desk to compare grades when you purposefully turned that shit upside down and put it under your computer. They are the ones who don't ask how you did on something, but rather, "whoa, wasn't that really easy?"
There are a disproportionate amount of the third kind in honors classes. In every class really, I'm not attempting to appear better by saying this and I know it may sound like that. But those type of people ruin the environment. It was a combination of that and honestly the material and my own self that lead to my science situation. I thought biology was my thing. I have always liked science and I've been decent at it but this past year was brutal. I don't know how, but something was different. Gradewise it was okay, but I just didn't like being there. That and the lunch classes were just annoying but still. I didn't like the environment and that lead to me hating the subject which fucking sucks because if I fell in love with the subject, I might have a stable future.
Another thing I couldn't help was the math thing, which determined whether I was to go to the next honors science class. But freshman year, I fucked that up. I didn't try. And maybe it's not the fact that I didn't get into honors physic, but rather... I could have if I had made a few more, just 3 more As in math freshman year. Just 3. That close. That fucking close. I wouldn't have been kicked out of the math course and I wouldn't deal with that same test-stealer condescending twat.
So yes, physics will be a change. It's mostly juniors I guess so that's another thing because I don't like their class. I know at least one person going into this (shout-out if you're reading this right now, I'm trying to find a way to write it without being weird) and in this case it is a really good thing. Not just the fact that we are friends, but just having another senior. It's mostly being surrounded by juniors that's a pressing issue. I'm used to the dynamics of my own class, but these people are totally different. I also don't know what to expect of the subject matter or teacher. It's all going to be new.
Finally Performance Workshop. Ok so...I'm going to go ahead and say it, I feel like from now on it's just a battle to beat the last performance and it'll keep being like that. That goes for all things in life but I guess especially when you're being watched by others as entertainment. It's getting used to nervousness and the very real possibility of messing up and hearing people talk about you. It's also getting used to the attention. The bad attention. The one from people who would otherwise gossip about you for other things. The attention in general. I like to sing. I love it. But there's pressure now because people will start comparing and judging and expecting more. And honestly, truthfully, really I'm not trying in any way to seem like this is bragging about getting in. I think it's more...adjusting and not being sure that I want to. I don't want to change who I am and that sounds kind of cliche but yeah. So. Worried and confused.
After school, I am set to be a field hockey manager and later in the year, the part in the musical. I'm looking forward to being a team manager. I hope to bond with the team and well...sports are really emotional sometimes and I hope to share that. And then theater is tied in with the singing stuff, plus there's the cliques and loud people and just trying to fit in. Or at least look cool and occupied during the times where I will be alone. I've perfected that with my phone and/or a semi-natural fake sleeping face.
I still feel terrible about dancing. I can't even elaborate on it, I just suck.
If I had more time...
I would still be taking an art class. Oh and Psychology, goddamn. Those are the two things that I really wanted to do and I would gladly switch that out with every one of the language classes I took. I'd also start my own club maybe and then join Engineering but there is just no time. After February, I'll probably be alone after school but by then I'll be able to drive myself home. Ending on that note...but not really.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
So the grammar and writing structure might be kind of different, I guess since I'm churning away on my phone. It has a really tiny display and while it is cute sometimes, it gets really annoying after a while. Like babies or animals or the whole Hello Kitty fanbase where you find grown-ass women devoting their entire lives to the damn disproportionate cute fucking cat. And I'm not trying to bag on people who find pleasure in something. I'm in a really shitty mood so I'm taking it out on babies and animals and Hello Kitty. But real talk, babies can get really annoying.
Anyway, today has been a really humid and disgusting one. I can't use my bitch of a computer and I wanted to write a diary entry but I can't so I'm doing this and just wow. It's not the end of the world, but it's an inconvenience and sometimes it's okay to whine about the "little things."
Like, honestly, all I want to do is complain because that's what I would do in the fuxkong diary entry but I can't.
So yeah first, computer, piece of shit. It just up and flopped out all of a sudden. And at the time my sister was carrying out her duties as Satan's servant with great gusto by howling out a live running singing commentary. The fucking worst. Because when your computer isn't working or your food is getting burnt or your baby is broken, the last thing you want to hear is some gotdamn singing and, "oh...oh...is it still broken? Why did you break it? What did you even do wrong?" to the melody of shitty elevator music.
Today we went through our most passive-aggressive interaction ever. She did a bunch of just flat-out petty stuff, too. Like she took the Pyrex pan that I used to make cookies and put it in front of my door with a fucking note that said "please clean me." It had a drawing of the pan on it, too, and I think that's what pissed me off the most. I was going to get to cleaning it, don't get me wrong. I'm lazy, but I do get around to things.
Shit, I just really want this poor thing to work again. I'm also not pleased with the fact that I won't ever be able to write my name in the snow with urine. I'm also kind of pissed about the word "urine" because it's kind of uncomfortable. On top of that, I'm mad at how I'm not comfortable with that word because I guess I should be. Fuck.
I spraypainted my carpet on accident. It's red and well, if my dad ever planned on selling it, that's not going to go over well.
I kept a voicemail from the same punk-ass butthat who spat verbal acid at my hair choice. He called me aggravating. I'm not too worked up about it now, so I don't know why I'm keeping it in my voicemail archive or whatever. I think it's a reminder that no matter how fucking hard you try to be nice to someone, those hos out there will shoot you down. I need to remember and realize that not everyone is going to like me.
I've been not liked before, and I won't lie and say I didn't deserve any of the hatred. But this was uncalled for. Ok so maybe I am still a bit sore about it.
It looks like the German flag now, but in the wrong order. Orange-red, yellow and black. Yeah, really. The orangey stuff was accidental...sort of. I dyed it all back to black except for two parts near my ear, but that made me look like Frakenstein's monster's lady friend. Not my best decision. So I tortured my hair by putting bleach on top of it and now it's blood red, but not bright blood, like...the stuff in bags for transfusions I guess.
So I'm just obsessed with appearance. Not of other people, but more with myself. As much as I'd love to be one of those all-natural people, I can't. It's my way of expressing myself. I think really, it's colors. Like, that's really the foundation of my personal obsession. If things look good together, I want it. Which explains the three different colors of hair now and the countless eyeshadow colors. It's not prissiness or girliness, I don't think. I wanna say it's more...art. Because that is honestly what I enjoy the most, aside from humor and like well people.
I don't do things to get noticed and I don't do things for reactions, but it's more...I like how that works together with another thing. My dad doesn't seem to understand.
He thinks all of my recent drastic changes are the result of peer pressure. I hate copying people, though.
I'm really impulsive when it comes to some things. I don't think a lot of things through. I tried to give myself a huge henna tattoo on my leg after forgetting I had an allergic reaction to it earlier. I got a few pictures out of it, though. I want things and I want them to be perfect and I want them as quickly as possible. Which is why I've applied bleach to parts of my hair 4 times in a week to get the right color, when they say to try it only once a month. I blew all of the money in my bank account for some rings from Singapore. The common factor in all of these was that I could feel that I probably shouldn't do any of it, but my desire for perfection and whatever else was greater.
This is now turning into a list of my flaws. I'm a pro at saying I'm able to go places with people but something always comes up. But I wait until the last moment to tell them and it's rude and annoying and I know. And then people start thinking I hate them when I don't.
Except in some cases, I really just don't want to go. Like I was invited once to this fun adventure one time and I was kind of friends with everyone but not really and I just didn't want to go. Because I started thinking about conversation dynamics and figured it wasn't worth going just to be ignored. Or like someone invited me to a family trip but like actually we never talked much at all.
So I mean, excuse after excuse and I can't tell whether I really want to hang out with people at all now. But then I get all fucking sad and stuff because I didn't go and well, goddamnit Micaela make up your fucking mind.
Another thing that I'm pissed about is the fact that I am not driving or learning and well fuxk it's so just no. I'm not mad at my parents, because they're busy. But just like, everyone is either already doing it or they're about to do it. All I need to do is fucking learn damn it. Damn it. I've done the classes and now I just need to get behind a wheel. To be honest, I just don't want to be that senior who isn't driving and I KNOW it's a bad attitude to have because I want to rush things. But right now I'm not trying to make myself seem perfect.
Yeah, that's it thanks, bye.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Alright, for any new viewers or readers or whatever, you need to know that I fully believe love can both span across and stay within genders and that's totally natural. If you are not alright with this, I ask that you at least have the courtesy to either not say anything or do so in a polite, mature manner. So when I found out a while ago that my favorite fast food restaurant was donating some of their profits to anti-gay organizations, I was disappointed. I mean, of course. This restaurant has very strong religious ties. But one of the main issues is how a lot of people pick and choose the parts of the Bible, their foundation for their actions supposedly, and ignore the others. The YouTube video already does an excellent job of pointing that out, so this is mostly just my personal opinion on this whole thing.
Like, guys, wow I really love Chick-Fil-A. It's a major part of my childhood. I would go to the Galleria with my dad and sister and we would order the kid's meal and just sit down and watch people. My mom would pick me up from school and we'd take my brother there to get balloon animals from the clown lady. Just up until last month, that was our go-to restaurant at Memorial Mall during shopping sprees with my mom until I got more into Subway and pizza. I didn't like Subway for the improvements it could make for my diet, because if I were, I would actually save half of a 12-inch sub for later instead of eating it all at once. Anyway, the nuggets are just so good and where else can you find a fast food place that has cheesecake as one of the dessert options? Wow, damn though, really, their nuggets are fantastic.
For a while after I found out, I would continue to go there because like seriously, the cravings were so intense. But this recent chain of events has sort of opened my eyes. The responses from the people I actually know in real life really got to me. One girl around my age proudly announced on Twitter that she went to three different Chick-fil-A's today, which is the symbolic day chosen to either show support or disgust with the company's actions. You drove around to three different stores. Much respect was lost, but to be honest, this girl didn't have a lot of respect in my book to begin with. She later tweeted, "All hail to chickfila today bringing in the money #ThrowinHunedsHuneds" and this is where I stop my criticism of her because continuing would be like insulting a 3rd grader. Another girl is still retweeting posts about how badly she wants to go to show support.
On the other hand, there are teens who are speaking out against this, which is how I got to this video in the first place. It's just sort of unreal that I am at a point in my life where I can be heard by others and stand together or stand against something this controversial. I like that most of the people I associate with are able to think and come up to their own conclusions and be open-minded.
I do this at the risk of losing a few numbers on meaningless websites or losing the chance to be taken seriously by people who I don't even talk to in the first place. It's here that I decide that I will not eat at a Chick-fil-A ever again. I cannot support a company that would deny the most important human right which is to simply be with another person who loves you back. I cannot support a company whose owner would scoff at the sight of a same-sex couple holding hands or raising a family. I cannot stand together with people who proudly flaunt their hatred of a completely harmless lifestyle.
But I can live with those damn good peanut-oil fried nuggets. And I've had better cheesecake at a Chinese-American buffet on the 59 feeder road.