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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Great start

Senior year. So the day before I was trying to rush to get so many things done and I kept freaking out or something. I just really didn't feel ready at all even if I had finished most of my stuff. I guess it was kind of just symbolic, like I'm not ready to take that big weird step into near-young-adulthood. I just really didn't want to go because I knew everything would be new and just...

I missed junior year so much because I was used to everything and... um. And there wasn't this rush to do everything because senior year and graduating was just so far off. But now it's here and everything is just too different and I really don't like it but I'm trying.

It's not the people. Or it is the people. It's just getting used to all of the classes all over again.

Journalism is fine because it's mostly the same people and I still have that one close friend in there. Also, I really want to congratulate the editors-in-chief because they are doing a good job. Last year, I was immature and bitter about it but I honestly think this worked out for the best. They're on top of things and they work well together and I think that's a key factor in having good leaders of something like this.

After that I had Philosophy and honestly, the entire class is nothing but my friends and I'm afraid it will throw me off. Because anytime I have a friend in a class, I think I dumb myself down, I don't know. It's just easier for me to speak out loud in a class where I don't really know anyone. It should be the opposite way around, shouldn't it? I just don't like my friends to see how I truly act in class because they already have this sort of image of me. And in this one it's nothing but friends, basically, except for one boy and one girl. So I feel like I won't talk at all. Which sucks. Because I really like the class a lot and the teacher is actually so fantastic. And his voice is like dark chocolate.

English. I freaking love this class so much. I don't know if it's just every single English class but it's perfect. I don't know ANYONE that well, so we're all sort of allowing each other a decent social barrier. We're all really formal with each other kind of. And up to this point, the teacher is my favorite female teacher. She's so dramatic and she just has a really strong passion for English, you can just tell. I really appreciate teachers who love what they do.

Ok and now here is where we take a break and just kind of literally cry about the day because I have no idea. All of these little things kept on happening and they kept on piling up on me. Like, mistake after mistake after mistake and as each class passed, I got more and more frustrated with myself and then after school I was sort of mean to a freshman. And then before I just started to hate everything for some reason except for a few things, like the schedule, the teachers, the subjects.

I just didn't want to be there at all. And prior to that day, someone tagged me on Facebook with the n-word and then I overanalyzed it and I just think too highly of what other people think of me.

And more shitty stuff happened which ended in my sister throwing a fit and being irrational. And then I set out to kill her. Literally.

I tried to kill my sister by choking her and it was the most frightening thing I have ever done. There was so much going on in my head that sounds really stupid and dumb and just trivial. I just don't know how to explain this to anyone.

Usually when I get hormonal, which is what I think it is, I just get really sad. Like I cry at things.

(Wait pause, another thing, I hate it when people comment on my crying because I really cannot control it. I can't stop it and trust me I hate it, but I do it all the fucking time. All the time. And someone already "predicted" during my Philosophy class that I would cry during it. Like what no, really. I love philosophy and I don't get overwhelmed during discussion. Because that's honestly one of my greatest fears. Which again sounds so trivial but I don't give a shit if people think of it as such. I don't want to cry in front of a lot of people. So I mean.)

Anyway, this time, every single bad thing that happened somehow just became ten times worse in my head and I translated? that into anger and then I snapped because I just wanted everyone to go away. I was headed towards my breaking point all throughout the day because of almost every single class. And then the car drive happened and my sister was pissing me off a lot.

And I think the thing is, my parents didn't discipline either of us at all and when they got really angry at each other, my mom especially, they didn't censor it for us. So we grew up thinking angry was normal. Which is why when I do get angry, it sort of explodes and shocks everyone because I cover it up usually. What we needed, maybe, is some of that traditional black and Asian parenting, which includes beatings with a belt and  making us sit alone in a locked bathroom in the darkness. Apparently several Filipino mothers do this, it's a thing. Plus beating a child when they didn't get As. Maybe not but...something. Anything, I don't know. Because now there's no control over one daughter who is breaking school rules already if she doesn't get what she wants and another daughter who quite literally attempted to end the other one's life. I'm just saying.

Oh my god I tried to kill her. My sister. My sister. And now I'm doing what I did, just the actions, to her to myself and I know it sounds kind of weird but I don't know. I don't know. But at one point she was just on the floor begging for her life and I knew that I needed to stop because I was honestly so close and I overreacted.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow at all to be perfectly honest because I'm still fucked up and I still hate 99% of the people there and I just don't want to see them at all.

I talked to someone really important on the phone after this while I was on the floor sobbing and they gave me a wake-up call. And now I'm here and I'm not doing any homework and I'd rather just skip tomorrow altogether because fuck everything.

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