So I just now realized that my Spotify has been playing Demi Lovato for an hose and I wasn't even listening. At this point, I realized that this event is the physical manifestation of my social interactions with semi-friends.
Someone called me cool once. She said, "Micaela, you are the coolest person I know." And that has been one of the greatest compliments I've ever received. It was really unexpected and I always think about it whenever I feel kind of bitter about something. Oh yeah, by the way, this year, I made several POSITIVE PACTS with people so no more negativity...or maybe just less negativity. Anyway, yeah.
This is going to probably come across as really trivial. Yeah, really.
I've never considered myself cool. It just doesn't happen. It's not that I have a really low self-esteem, but it's just that "cool" is so up there. Cool is the kid who people automatically flock to during parties. Cool is effortlessly interacting with people and having them not feel uncomfortable at all. Cool is what I wanted to be since early elementary school, which is when I first found out that I was far from it according to other kids. So hearing that compliment was just like, wow, thanks.
But recently I did everything on the list of "things to never do if you want to be cool and stay cool."
I am so sososososososos awkward. That word is definitely overused, so I'll explain some more. Um, I honestly think I have a natural aversion to being in huge groups of people who I'm not too familiar with. And when I'm forced to hang out in groups, I overthink every single word that might come out of my mouth. And then I overthink the ones that actually make it out of my mouth.
I DON'T KNOW, just everything I did was just the opposite of cool and it's really just wow, I don't know.
Like, someone who I thought... thought I was invisible wanted to hug me when I came into this school event banquet thing and as I got closer, I just said, "why" out loud. Yeah because I honestly did not know why they wanted to hug me. So. "Why?" In their face. During the hug. And then after that I stepped on someone while trying to sit with people I knew. And then I stepped on the foot of one of the people I know. And then I ignored the initial hugger when he tried to joke around. And then I made a statement to somebody that nobody heard but I thought it was really funny, so I was just smiling and looking intently at the person while the person blinked a couple of times.
And then I answered a question directed at someone else. And then I got my Asian history all messed up and made a reference to Chinese bathhouses when Japan is the country that's known for bathhouses. And then I backed into someone completely in an inappropriate way when I really wasn't trying to be inappropriate at all. Not in like a dancing way but just flat-out backing up.
OH! I laughed at someone who was literally sobbing because I mistook their sobbing for pure laughter. In my defense, he later claimed that he was laughing and sobbing at the same time but wow nothing can make you feel like shit more than a wrongly-placed laugh. It was the same "why" person who asked me for a hug.
Looking back over all of this, it's kind of funny. I'm overreacting yeah, but... I don't even know cool. But I'm pretty sure it's not all of this. This is just mistake after mistake. And a lot of insulting people.
And now it's going to lead to even more overthinking and then I'll get even worse when school actually starts because EVEN MORE PEOPLE.
I'm actually dreading the first day back because everyone is going to come up and talk. I seriously forgot how to talk to a bunch of people. Two weeks ago I literally just ended a conversation with one of my homeroom people by walking behind my dad. We were in a Parker Uniform store, so she could definitely still see me. And the conversation wasn't going in a negative direction. I just noticed that she turned her head the other way and I took the chance to leave.
Oh my gosh, and then the back-to-school hugs. And I never know where to put my hands or whether to keep my fist closed or if my arms should go over or under. And I never know how hard to squeeze or if they even consider me close enough to squeeze at all. On my previous first day back, I headed towards one of my friends to hug her and we both stopped right before we could extend our arms and just said, "no." And it's not like we hate each other at all, it's just we are both really uncomfortable huggers.
What else. Oh yeah, those fucking ice-breakers that some teachers might still do on the first days of class.
I'm ending it here right now but yeah, no more people. Bye.