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Friday, August 3, 2012

This year

I'm just going to go through my schedule and list my thoughts about each one.
Pre-cal. I don't know how to label my relationship with math. I think I can compare it to one of my "friendships." I can talk to the friend and we have really awesome moments of bonding and fun. Sometimes at the end of it all, I look back and start smiling all over again. But most of the time, I get annoyed by the difficulty and the amount of time I have to spend on it and I just realize how incompatible we are. I'll have times where I understand everything and it's smooth sailing, but I can only handle it in small chunks. Prolonged exposure will drive me to insanity and though others might say I'm good at it, I really don't see a future with it. I've started the summer homework for it and I've already developed a hatred for it. It's review, not even new stuff. So I don't know how this'll turn out.
What's next? Journalism. I'm really happy about it. Ok, it's a very good thing that I was not made EiC, because that's not what I wanted. I don't have the time and honestly, I don't have the skills. It's editing the layouts and deadlines and getting on people's asses about deadlines and I had no experience with layout work. It's just the title that's appealing. The title is what colleges see and next year I'm worried about the one I can get. I...don't want to do editorials and turn things into a publishing company. But I do want to contribute all of my ideas and most of all, I just want to write. So while the initial wave of failure washed over me, I now see this as a good thing. I'm really glad that in the middle of the gossipy people in there, I have one important friend there to talk to. If it weren't for her, I honestly would have quit Journalism this year. So all-in-all, I'm excited. Nervous. But willing to accept whatever happens.
Philosophy. I know a lot of my friends are going to be in this class and I'm excited about that. But the teacher scares the piss out of me. I admit, I suck up to teachers. I like being able to talk to them and feeling comfortable with raising my hand in class. I learn better in cases like that and I pay attention more. Which is why having a lot of friends is a bad thing because they see me in a different way. I normally see most of them in a laidback environment so this'll be different. Especially with this teacher. So...I'm nervous, happy about friends. Just...actually scared. Because I have one buddy who already developed a relationship with him and I already see how things might possibly be and...well. I guess I don't want to look stupid in front of any of them. Right.
English. I don't even know. Um, I love English, but I don't know what to expect. Last year was really good because I felt comfortable in the class and spoke out and the class worked together well. The teacher was one of my favorites, too. This year, I just don't know what to expect. So far, I don't know of any friends who will be in this class. But I'm afraid of getting stuck with one of the really annoying people in my grade. Last year's class was a really good mix of people but I'm afraid of getting a class where speaking up would be frowned upon.
AP Gov and Econ. Aw hell. I don't know really. Um, this subject is similar to math in that I have mixed feelings about it. I'm afraid that as the year goes on, I'll dig myself into a rut and I'll have multiple chances to redeem myself but I'll fuck each one up. Sort of like what I did with science and math. It's the information in all three of these subjects. Not just that, but I'll explain the rest next.
Ok, so first things first. I'll go out and say it. The people in all classes act a certain way, but I've noticed something different in honors classes in particular. Not all of them of course, but there's a pattern. You've got the nice, humble smart people. Naturally gifted and just totally eager to learn and help. They ask questions and you can tell that they have a genuine interest in learning for themselves. They are the ones people can go to help without feeling stupid. They're not condescending. Then you have the people in the middle who are in the same class and they pick up on stuff but they don't really give out help. Kind of just all-around average and nothing is wrong with that. I guess I fall into this one. The kids who sort of marvel at how others get things flawlessly. The ones who appreciate help and try to work to maintain a high position. Then you have the flaunters. They're smart and they let everyone know it. "No, not just honors, I'm in Advanced Placement Honors Biology." They find a way to sneak something about APs in a lot of conversations. They try to offer help, but they'll talk down to you. They are the bitches who sit next to you and rip the test from your desk to compare grades when you purposefully turned that shit upside down and put it under your computer. They are the ones who don't ask how you did on something, but rather, "whoa, wasn't that really easy?"
There are a disproportionate amount of the third kind in honors classes. In every class really, I'm not attempting to appear better by saying this and I know it may sound like that. But those type of people ruin the environment. It was a combination of that and honestly the material and my own self that lead to my science situation. I thought biology was my thing. I have always liked science and I've been decent at it but this past year was brutal. I don't know how, but something was different. Gradewise it was okay, but I just didn't like being there. That and the lunch classes were just annoying but still. I didn't like the environment and that lead to me hating the subject which fucking sucks because if I fell in love with the subject, I might have a stable future.
Another thing I couldn't help was the math thing, which determined whether I was to go to the next honors science class. But freshman year, I fucked that up. I didn't try. And maybe it's not the fact that I didn't get into honors physic, but rather... I could have if I had made a few more, just 3 more As in math freshman year. Just 3. That close. That fucking close. I wouldn't have been kicked out of the math course and I wouldn't deal with that same test-stealer condescending twat.
So yes, physics will be a change. It's mostly juniors I guess so that's another thing because I don't like their class. I know at least one person going into this (shout-out if you're reading this right now, I'm trying to find a way to write it without being weird) and in this case it is a really good thing. Not just the fact that we are friends, but just having another senior. It's mostly being surrounded by juniors that's a pressing issue. I'm used to the dynamics of my own class, but these people are totally different. I also don't know what to expect of the subject matter or teacher. It's all going to be new.
Finally Performance Workshop. Ok so...I'm going to go ahead and say it, I feel like from now on it's just a battle to beat the last performance and it'll keep being like that. That goes for all things in life but I guess especially when you're being watched by others as entertainment. It's getting used to nervousness and the very real possibility of messing up and hearing people talk about you. It's also getting used to the attention. The bad attention. The one from people who would otherwise gossip about you for other things. The attention in general. I like to sing. I love it. But there's pressure now because people will start comparing and judging and expecting more. And honestly, truthfully, really I'm not trying in any way to seem like this is bragging about getting in. I think it's more...adjusting and not being sure that I want to. I don't want to change who I am and that sounds kind of cliche but yeah. So. Worried and confused.
After school, I am set to be a field hockey manager and later in the year, the part in the musical. I'm looking forward to being a team manager. I hope to bond with the team and well...sports are really emotional sometimes and I hope to share that. And then theater is tied in with the singing stuff, plus there's the cliques and loud people and just trying to fit in. Or at least look cool and occupied during the times where I will be alone. I've perfected that with my phone and/or a semi-natural fake sleeping face.
I still feel terrible about dancing. I can't even elaborate on it, I just suck.
If I had more time...
I would still be taking an art class. Oh and Psychology, goddamn. Those are the two things that I really wanted to do and I would gladly switch that out with every one of the language classes I took. I'd also start my own club maybe and then join Engineering but there is just no time. After February, I'll probably be alone after school but by then I'll be able to drive myself home. Ending on that note...but not really.

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