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Saturday, October 27, 2012

Sister




My sister and I aren't fighting now, we've both calmed down. She'll still kick the back of the seat when I'm driving and shit, but she's not spraying stuff. There was a point where I would not do anything to provoke her and she had this fucked up period of attacking that I didn't get. But she's out of that now. She's also breaking out of her shell in school I think.

I think it flared up because she's in high school now and she doesn't know what to do and I don't know how to approach her to help her. This was the worst in some ways and I think it might also be because of puberty. Because when I was her age, I was a little shit. She lost her best friend because she's at another school and she's having so much fun with new friends, while my sister is still finding her group.

We're both really weird people when it comes to making friends. I don't know, she does weird things, like the stuff I do/did. She does that...fake-mean thing that I do. Like, she'll be really sassy and uses her face a lot. But we both started out kind of shy and nice with always complimenting people. And then we'll get weird.

She made up a fake male friend in her Spanish class and I made this fake male Facebook account in my freshman year.

She made a presentation about making sock puppets for her speech class. It was a demonstration and her example sock puppet fell apart in her hands. Like, it was on the floor and everything. So she made this fake sobbing face that I can't explain. I don't know what it is with our faces, I guess we got it from our mom. because sometimes she looks like that when she's upset. And she couldn't stop laughing throughout the rest of her presentation because of her failure. And it parallels my freshman Spanish presentation where I couldn't stop laughing about a picture of an owl I put on the PowerPoint.

We both have similar senses of humor. Like my dad will be seriously upset with us for not washing dishes on time or whatever. And she'll fake sob and then say something philosophical like, "we're all going to Hell anyway," and then she'll literally howl and skitter away to her room. We actually cannot have dinner together because it usually ends in someone running away from the table and that is not an exaggeration. I ran away last time because I couldn't stop laughing at my dad's face because we all kind of look alike and it was creeping me the fuck out. I went back later to take my plate. He has a really round nose and it was shining at that point.

She does that uncomfortable kind of dancing that men in 80s movies do when they try to impress girls. I don't do that, too, but it's interesting. We both like drawing and she's currently finding her style. I think we get that from our mom, she draws secretly. Like, she never shows her true self, my mother. She's like in this perpetual egg.

But we both have insane tempers. We are both really irrational people when we're angry. So when we clash, we actually might hate each other for like a week or two and then the rest of the time, we'll ignore each other. The difference is that I've gotten my anger out over the past two years and she's just now coming into it. So she'll get angry at home and take it out on me and I won't respond with that same anger. She'll do all the shit and I'll stay quiet but write about it, which I should stop doing because I guess she found it. I did the same shit with my dad when I was learning about rebellion and stuff.

I don't know. We're calm for now.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Driving and things

Yay.

Hopefully I'll have my license in a week. So here are some things I plan to do.


  • Drive to Panera Bread and get those weird coffee things that I never remember. They don't taste like coffee, I think they're mochas. Yes, so I'll drive to Panera and get a mocha. They are so good. They are seriously the best mochas I've ever had. I've had some from Starbucks and McDonalds. Disappointed with Starbucks, but actually quite impressed with McDonalds. Still. Panera is the best. 
  • Drive to Memorial Park with pepper spray in a big puffy jacket so I can walk down the path for two hours on my own and still be safe. I'd really just like to walk. 
  • Drive to cool places. Again, safety is a big thing, I'll work it out somehow. I just really want to go places because all of my weekends are spent at home. 
  • Drive to that fancy City Center place with the movie grill thingy that plays movies. I think it's so cool. I'm broke as hell, but I'd like to just walk there.
  • So basically, drive places to walk places.
Not the freeway, though, I'm not fond of the freeway quite yet. It's doable, but I still don't like it.

Um what else. OH!

  • During Christmas, I'd drive to those big fancy neighborhoods, like the one on Westheimer with the peacocks and horse carriages. I love seeing their big decorations. I'll blast Christmas music.Hopefully I'll have enough to get a hot chocolate or something before I make the trip. It's really exciting. 
  • I'll visit other parts of Houston. Maybe I'll get lost. But again, I'd have to be safe. I wish I were a boy sometimes. Not that it would make me totally more safe, but still. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I don't have a home.

These are just total complaints but I'm lost and my head is numb now and my eyes are getting really puffy because of a breakdown. I am more than ready to move out of this building I am living in because almost every person in here is irrational, including myself. I cannot wait to get out of Houston, so in less than a year, I will be able to enjoy my freedom.

Where do I start? Okay, well, the major thing has always been my sister. For some reason, I've gotten more vocal about her bullshit because people actually see her and she's just gotten to be more and more of a bitch. I don't get it. Some people are really close with their siblings. I know one girl who is like, best friend's with her sister and their ages are the same as us. And then everyone else can stand to stay in their presence. But I literally have not held a single deep conversation with my sister. Since I can remember, we have done nothing but fight. And this year, the fights have gotten more and more intense and dangerous. 

I don't know, I think my parent's divorce had an affect on it. Because my mom would curse out my dad a lot in front of us and they'd call each other racially demeaning names. And so maybe we grew up into that. I have a bad mouth sometimes, but it's not even close to that of my sister. And in general, she is wildly irrational and spoiled as shit. She's used to getting what she wants. Like, literally, my parents will take her side on the majority of our arguments, and I am honestly there trying to remain calm. 

But it's like nobody sees it. I'm not even trying to paint myself as the perfect daughter who is a victim, but they honestly take her fucking side. I was driving home with a family friend and her son in the car along my mom, the sister, and my brother. And my sister was behind me kicking my seat and she would not let up. She kept on kicking my seat while I was driving, hard, and I honestly, honestly, honestly just turned to my mom to ask her to tell her to stop kicking my seat. Because my sister has never listened to me. And my mom said, "well, she's not doing it now." And so I pulled over because at that point, I was about to blow. She stopped kicking for a while.

And then started back up and I asked my mom again, and she responded with, "just keep driving." So I did lose it. The car was about to turn into an intersection, but I had to stop. So I burst out and cursed her out in front of the family friend and the son. So I guess they don't want to associate with me now, I haven't seen them in a long while, come to think of it. 

I was crying and shit and my sister was basking in her glory and you know what? My mom and her friend just laughed at me. The worst possible thing for anyone to do while anyone is crying is laugh. So that lead to more tears and my sister just stayed silent and kept kicking the fucking chair. And my mom let out with a chuckle that she wanted to take over driving, but (and I shouldn't have done this) I refused because I guess doing so would admit total defeat. I wanted to keep my dignity?

This bitch sprays me in the face with air freshener, which is apparently very negative for health. It states that it should not be inhaled. But this spoiled bitch sprays it in my face. I made a cake yesterday, or the day before. I was about to cut a slice out and put it on a plate, and she comes up and sprays the fucking air freshener on the plate. So I had to get a new one. And then she sprayed me twice in the face. And then a bunch of times after that.

She suspected that I had been in her room, but I really hadn't. Considering I WAS AT A SCHOOL MEETING for a huge chunk of the day and we got home at the same time. So she followed me around the house and held out the air spray can in front of me. I hate that fucking smell. I hate it.

And she'll spit on the floor. I do my homework in the hallway because my computer's internet stuff is weak as shit or something. So she'll hover over me and spit near me. 

I've told my parents about this, but they don't ever see both sides. They constantly think I have a lot to do with it. Whenever I tell my dad, he responds with, "you must have provoked her." And then she goes unpunished. And I honestly do not provoke her. Lately, she has just been coming up and attempting to start trouble. I am not making this shit up for attention or sympathy, I literally do not know what I am doing wrong. I do not know what to do but I do know that I need to leave soon. 
***********************
She's banging on my door now. She does that a lot. It's really loud and I'm crying again and I don't know what to do. Because nobody is on my side.
*************************************
Okay, great, my dad came into my room right now and and he has a belt and he tried to beat me with it. And I am so fucking lost right now, I can't see my fucking keys on this thing. And my sister is not being punished at all. He threatened to beat me and I have seriously done nothing wrong. 

I'll try to explain this, I don't know what to do I want to leave this house. So I came home today. My mom has to work so I'm babysitting Matthew. I also had a HUGE engineering project and it took 4 hours to complete. I finally finished a short while ago and it took up all of my evening. All I did was work on that project in that hallway. My dad worked out an agreement to watch Matthew if I had something particularly important due the next day. 

So that happened. It's really hard to put him to sleep. So he stays up until like 12 which is terrible, but nobody can put him to sleep and it's just another problem that we have. And I try multiple times to lull him to sleep and for a while it works, but my sister is right across and makes noises. So I move him to my room and turn off the lights and tuck him in, okay. And then I turn the hallway light one so I can still see in my room to clean up and get stuff ready for tomorrow. And my sister flips it off because she claims it is preventing her from sleeping, when all she has to do is close her own door to block out the light.

So my dad hears the commotion and comes out and takes her side and turns the light off. I ask him to see how fucking simple it would be to get her to close her door, but he just replies with, "I'm tired." And let's her have her way. 

So I'm here typing this shit up. I was done cleaning my room and stuff so I guess I had lost that battle. And Matthew was about to asleep but then he woke back up and went outside. So my sister thinks that I kicked him out, but I was just tired and exhausted and I still had to finish a bit of homework and do other stuff. So I let him walk out. And I know, yes, that is bad. I know it is.

After that, she came and banged on my door and it was incredibly forceful. And I pushed back and locked it. So things were fine for a while, but then that's when my dad came in with the belt and he was screaming and he told me that I was a terribly, shitty child. 

I don't understand. Anything. I try so hard to please my family. I do all of these things and win stuff and join clubs and get involved and do volunteering. And my dad focuses on the fact that I don't wash dishes on time or wash clothes before 1. That is it. That is it. Every. Single. Thing. I have ever done. All of the fucking trophies and shit on my drawer thing, the national merit whatever the fucking shit thing I got, the fact that I'm not out doing drugs or getting knocked up. Nothing fucking matters. And both of my parents constantly take her side and I hate living in this fucking house. 

I do not know what I am doing wrong. I don't know what I'm doing. The reason I don't wash clothes or dishes is because I'm staying up late doing homework and planning stuff. And my sister is the one that makes my brother cry almost every time she sees him.

I think she honestly hates me. But I don't know why. I have tried to help her, I ask her how her day is. And some would say jealousy but that... I just don't get it. Every single day, I come home to this but this time it went further than it usually did and I can't wait for school tomorrow but I don't want the weekend to come because that just means I'll be stuck at home. And I can't drive anywhere yet and I'm stuck.

Only until I get to college. I just need to move out of this house, I do not care, I don't feel appreciated and when I try to explain my point, I get ignored or threatened. And everything I do really doesn't matter. 

I talked to my mom about it and she just says that I'm going to college soon, too. So she understands it but knows she can't do anything about it. I want a new life. I don't want one of my family members and I wish the others would take me seriously. I'm a damn good kid. I used to think I was a damn good kid. I

Nobody is stopping her or doing anything because nothing can actually help. One of my friends actually offered to talk to my sister about her behavior, because maybe hearing it from someone else would help but I can't. Because I guess this is personal business and nobody has a right to know. But this has been happening for years and I'm just now letting it out because I'm so close to getting out of it.

I don't have a fucking home

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I have more opinions

The debates have truly brought out the worst in some people. I try not to let my own political opinions get out. Not because I'm afraid, but because there are people out there who will seriously treat me differently. I'm trying to stay informed and up-to-date, but some people are too loud about their thoughts without enough information to form a valid opinion on any of the topics.

Choosing which side to pledge my allegiance to isn't a matter of just looking at the most popular one. It goes beyond the controversial topics like women, abortion, and marriage. It also includes the economy, health care, foreign affairs, all of those other topics that a lot of people my age tend to ignore. I understand that at our current age, those things may not seem to affect us as directly. And I get that everyone certainly has the right to vote for whoever because of whatever. But I would prefer that everyone would get information about most, if not all, of a candidate's views.

So to go on these cute, little social media sites and see kids express themselves, or really just parrot off the stuff they heard from their parents, is rather unsettling. Some people are simply being open about their opinions to stir up controversy. I swear, some of these people are just searching for a fight. They're almost angry about it. All-caps, pulling in information from a candidate's background to take away from the value of their argument, getting emotions tied up.

And if you feel strongly about this, you should be emotionally attached. Our political opinions have everything to do with the kind of person we are, so it makes sense. But emotions cause people to lose control, and once you lose control, you become irrational and people start to value your opinion less. Above all, intellect and reason should prevail. People flipped their shit.

This lead to several outbursts between friends and classmates. Some, including myself, silenced themselves to avoid explosive confrontation. Some of my classes have a clear majority of the party I oppose. And they are very very very vocal about it. I cannot speak. In some cases, it is good to voice what you believe, especially if it means a lot. They'll have discussions that I would love to participate in. However, and I am not saying this as an insult, but these people in particular are the kind who borrow everything from their parents. The way they spout off information and proudly show their support makes it clear that these are not the result of their own research. They are quick to anger, even quicker to band together and strike a lone opponent down.

Literally, I am the only democrat in my Journalism class. And they will throw down Obama quite often. That's fine, but with most of them, it is clear that they don't know what they are truly supporting or opposing.

Even with my giant desire for political awareness, I cannot deny that politics are a freakin' racket. It's a mess, it is all a huge mess. While at first, I would lash out at political apathetic people, but I do understand it. Realistically, there is only so much a president can do. I think at this point of the campaigning, a lot of people are building up this insanely perfect idea of the candidate they support. So there will be a lot of disappointment. People are not ever going to be happy. The entire government is too huge to satisfy everyone.

Those are some of the thoughts...there.

11:11

I've just been writing a lot. This may sound like total crap, but usually, when I write something that I'm wishing for that is reasonably easily attainable, it'll happen. I'll type up a plan for something or my own wishes for things and after that it'll manifest. I don't really do anything drastic to advance any of those things, but I mean. It's all a bunch of crap. I know.

So anyway, this is about 11:11 wishes. Kind of related. I guess when I was younger, those were basically prayers. Wishlists, daily wishlists. I would just ask for a long list of things, very good things like keeping my family alive and maybe that I would do well on a test the next day. In middle school, I got really religious. So my prayers became more elaborate. And I would attempt to offer God an incentive for "granting" them. So I would start off by thanking him for everything, like my house, family, school, clothes, food, water, my favorite things. And then I would ask for a long list of things.

In 8th grade, I peaked. That was the most religious point of my entire life. Cheerleading try-outs were coming up and I really wanted to make it. At that point, I had never wanted anything more than that. Not even my parents reunion. It was odd. So I came up with this long prayer routine, in the hopes that it would help even more. I started with an Our Father, then a Hail Mary, then the Angel of God one that I memorized from a stuffed praying bunny. After that, I would list the things I was thankful for and finally I would ask for the health of the people I cared about and cheerleading success. Then I would top it off with another well-known prayer. I did this for a whole month. An entire month, right before I went to sleep. I would not sleep until it was totally finished. Prayer was basically a way for me to ask for things.

In high school, I do not know what happened exactly, but I began rejected the idea of religion. Things just didn't make sense, and I have one teacherin particular to thank for that. Anyway, for the first three years, the prayers just switched to 11:11 wishes. basically the same thing except much shorter. And I didn't have to list things.

They would mostly be for like people. I always fall for a crapload of people and when I do, I fall hard. Not in a touchy way, but like, I want them to be my friend really badly or I want them to... be okay or happy or whatever. Like friendcrushes? Or like, I want to stay in contact with them forever. So at 11:11, I would just think about them super hard. That meant squinting my eyes and thinking their name over and over again in my head, for that whole minute. It's kind of really weird. I'd sometimes do this little chant in a mumble with just their name over and over again, hoping the 11:11 god would just know what I was hoping for them.

And I thought it would work. Like maybe the next day, something would happen and I would go home and just be like, "oh, that actually worked!" So I'd do it a lot. But this year, none of that is working and I guess I'm growing out of it.

But I wish didn't. I wish I had something to hope for. I tried to catch that Persied meteor shower, because I honestly hoped to treat them like shooting stars. Are they not? I read somewhere that they were considered shooting stars. Anyway, yeah. because at least those are more "real." I don't necesssarily believe that they'd actually help, but it's still kind of a nice thing to be able to say.

I have a few things now I'd like to really wish for. So. Yeah.

Ignorance and other things

Apparently I'm not done. So now we're moving on to ignorant people who claim to know things. Here, we shall take an example from Tumblr which was extracted from Facebook originally. The person states:

"Saying your Atheist or that there's no god or higher power is like saying you don't believe in ghosts, which is like saying you don't have a soul, which is also saying you don't have dreams, which would mean your a Zombie or Vampire, so unless your a Magical made up being, dont say your Atheist, you sound fucking retarted"

Spelling and grammar mistakes aside, this is chock-full of logical fallacies, namely non sequitors. Those are statements that are made that do not logically follow the previous statement. In saying them, the author expects the reader to come to the same conclusion they did, because it simply "makes sense." It is best understood, I think, through example. Like above, how he jumped from an atheist's lack of belief to saying that it means they don't believe in ghosts. Basically:

  • A person does not believe there is a God or higher power
  • Therefore, that person does not believe in ghosts
If you are going to make that connection, at least provide evidence that higher powers and ghosts are related somehow. Fully. One honestly cannot expect the audience to draw those same conclusions, which is why that is considered a non sequitor. 

He goes on.
  • A person does not believe in ghosts
  • Therefore, that person does not have a soul
Which actually implies that the lack of soul is due to the fact that the person does not believe in ghosts, which is due to the fact that the person does not believe in a higher being. There is a "missed connection" here, which makes this argument even more weak. 

He then says that no soul = no dreams. No evidence to support that, since when is the biological process of dreaming directly linked to having or not having a soul? And then the zombie and vampire thing has a similar issue. If you do not have dreams, this automatically means you are other than a human? I am impressed by how far this person managed to stray away from reason. This is meant to raise awareness about all future "because", "therefore", and "thus" statements. A lot of people don't catch these, because we're so used to using those words as a way to transition. But "because" has a lot more weight than what it has become. 

Let's also visit Twitter. Tonight, there is another debate, which means that uninformed teenagers attempting to sound super informed will be voicing their opinions. There are fewer people talking about it. I take it a lot of people hopped on that "fad" to sound intelligent. However, now some of the interest has died down and only a few remain. This lowered the amount of ignorant vocal people, but not by much. 

A lot were guilty of the ad hominem fallacy, where they pointed out an unrelated characteristic of one of the candidates in order to take away the value of their arguments. They would point out accidental characteristics, instead of their substance as a candidate. 

On the side, a lot of the people getting involved with this are doing it for appearances. They want to seem involved or intelligent. There are a few who are genuinely interested, and personally, I appreciate their interest. But to do it just to flaunt it is rather pointless. One, in my opinion, should learn for the sake of learning, not for other people to see how many big words and policies you can list off. 

Now...am I done? 


Rant #4

I'm not even sure were this one is going and I'll probably regret posting all of these, but I doubt anyone who does not already have it will ever find it again. I'm just going to keep writing until I feel better about life. So that means I'm getting out all of my complaints.

Oh, I guess this post's theme is people I sit near. Not the actual people, I need to stop talking about actual people for things like this. Because they are actually good people. Unlike the ones I've mentioned before. So actions.

So when people are shallow, I'll get pissed. Like all they talk about with their friends are the stupidest things like meaningless stuff. And they'll grow up and become shitty parents.

Also, when people laugh at things that...aren't funny. And this is so sososos tricky to explain. Because I know everyone has a different sense of humor. Not a lot of people get mine. Which isn't a problem. But like, I'll be in a class and the teacher will say something and one person will full out explode in laughter. Slapping their desk. Kicking the back of my seat. Or like, if someone literally cracks up at a picture of a squirrel with candy in their mouth. Like, crack up, honking, the whole deal. And again, this only happens with some people. The person has to have a combination of annoying qualities in order for this one thing to become fully despicable.

I...think I'm done.

Rant #3

I hate it when something ruins your day at the end of it. Like goddamn. I was enjoying EVERY single moment of today before that kid made a good point about my lack of involvement. I guess I'm angry because he's right, I'm not doing enough in there. If something tiny like that happens, it takes me a LOT to get over it. It's really petty of me. I'll go through the day and put together every good thing and try to attack the negative instance with that. But it keeps on coming up and it's so frustrating because none of this should be a big deal.

I don't even know, I guess I need to work on having thicker skin because A) I'm leaving soon, kind of, and B) We are seriously going to die someday so it really won't matter.

Like, someone, even someone close to me, will say something, like a correction. Even my dad. And I'll think about that for a looong time. I don't like being corrected. Or like, especially sarcastic comments. Or condescending ones. Or anything that someone says to make me look stupid. And when that happens, THAT is when I start considering my accomplishments. So I have those urges to list the things I've done to let people know I'm not stupid.

I fucking hate looking stupid or inexperienced in something. So starting new things when other people are basically experts is hell. It's fucking hell. Because people are trying to help but I don't like getting help. I feel like I'm wasting their time and I feel like they think that I'm not picking up on things as quickly.

I hate people sometimes. I hate, ugh, god I hate interacting with people. Today was sort of a really confusing day. I don't know how we all put up with each other's bullshit a lot of the time. There are golden moments and those count for a lot. But sometimes, I just want to strangle people. I want to put my hands around their necks and just squeeze for a while.


Rant #2

I've already gone off on this one girl and it sort of went more public than I had expected it too. I complain a lot on the internet because I can't do it in front of people. So I ...think I want people to see it, but I want to lower the risk of the subjects seeing it. Or like, I'll sort of hope someone sees it because stuff wants to be let out. Anyway, here I am again talking about the same person and yeah.

This girl and I are sort of dancing around the somewhat vague hints that neither or us like each other at all. And it's now gotten to this pseudo friendship type of thing. Where we'll talk and ask each other for help and bullshit about stuff but I don't ever want to be left alone with her because our interactions are incredibly fake. So this has been going on for a while and I'm just wondering why she's still going on with this because it's not helping either of us. And if she's trying to prove that she's the better person, that's dandy as fuck, I just don't care. She'll force conversations that don't need to happen. And I don't know if she wants to repair something or if she's doing this to "get at me" or what fuck I don't know, it's just- really pointless. All of this is pointless. Even talking about it. But I do not care because I want to say this so I will because I allowed to not like somebody.

Then some cockyass bitch in choir today decided to flaunt her talent. The director chose a few people for a certain part, I guess you could say. And she wasn't chosen, but later on, she put herself in that group. And she does this thing where if someone makes a mistakes, she will seriously chuckle at them. With a cockyfucklebitch look on her face. And it's annoying. Because she kind of can sing but her personality makes her incredibly ugly. Like, I'll see her and I will make a mental note in my head to see her as physically ugly as fuck. But when these shitty types of people make mistakes or fail at something that they were SO SURE that they were going to get, it actually pleases me in a sick, horrible way.

And I've considered the fact that perhaps they are like this because of other insecurities, but it's really hard to get that through when they repeatedly do stuff like that. I just hate cocky people with a passion. For some reason, I hate cocky girls more than I hate cocky guys. I don't know why.

I just...like, you can tell people about your accomplishments and I'll be proud, but don't keep on doing it. And if your intention with that is to intimidate people by your success, fuck you, you're lame as hell and you're a shitty person.

Damn it, what else? I'm a fuck-up in a lot of ways. I think some of the qualities that I hate in other people are evident in myself. Which makes me a giant hypocrite. Because I'm a fake person. I have faked a huge number of friendships because I don't want enemies. I don't think I have ever had a true enemy. Well, once. Right, and that ended badly because everyone was on her side. And I think I made fun of her because I didn't like the attention she was getting from guys because she had huge boobs in like 5th grade and she would just sit there and act dumb and I thought that was dumb, so I said some stuff. And well, it made sense that people took her side. So I had one enemy, but that was my fault.

So I don't ever want to have enemies again. So I fake a lot of friendships then blow up about them in private. Kind of private. So this fakeness thing that I see in that first girl is a big part of me.

And I don't know about the conceited thing. I keep that stuff to myself. But I have this thing where I hate talking a lot about myself in person. Obviously not here. I'll "catch" the number of times I refer to myself or tell my own stories, so I try to ask questions of other people. And then I go home and beat myself up if I spent a lot of time talking about myself or my own opinions. But all the stuff about my success in something is in my head, except yes sometimes it'll slip and I'll feel like shit. Because I encounter so so sososos sososo many cocky people and when I hear them talk about themselves, I'll shrink up and get annoyed. It's cool to tell me about your life. But again, just not all the time. Because seriously, with some things, I do not care at all. Like the fake girl came around one time and started to talk about her diet and how she was sticking to it, like wow good for her, this is actually the least interesting thing I've heard ever. I didn't care so much that I actually sort of indirectly started to care, but caring about not caring.

She was going on and I had to fight the urge to blurt out, "nobody cares." Something else was going on that day, I think, it was just weird.

With some people, I don't mind. I guess they have to give me more of a reason to dislike them. Like with one of my friends, but it's not really cockiness in this same sense. Like, I know a lot of people who love themselves and I honestly don't see that as a problem. But it's the people who list their things. And who aren't my friends to begin with. Like I won't care. I will not care. Soon everything from their mouth becomes crap to me.

I'm...almost done.


Rant #1



So a lot has been going on for the last few weeks. Things are still sort of settling down, but I think for the most part, I'm getting used to senior year. I did want a bit of a challenge, because I knew that this year would be easier than my previous ones. So I definitely got one.

In reference to courses, I think all of mine are killer, great, fascinating. Some of them are still kind of a pain in the ass. Well, only pre-cal. But we've started with what, circles and radians and that good stuff, and it's a new quarter so, we'll see. I hope that's the only test I have to take. So as far as actual academic stuff, I'm doing alright.

So now the "fun" stuff. I really love Performance Workshop. It's one of those things where you can kind of keep to yourself and still feel alright because you don't feel left out. And on top of that, it's something that I really really love doing. I look forward to it every single day and I have a "voice" in there, not just literally, but...people listen. And they respect me and I respect them and it's just...nice to have something like that.

Journalism is going alright, and that's really all I can say about it at this point. The editors-in-chief are doing a great job with running things, and I'm officially not bitter about any of it at all. It's very freeing. Is that the word? There is one junior who needs to calm her tits down but other than that, everyone is actually interacting, unlike last year. I'm still kind of upset that I have to leave but...it'll be fine. I'm still going to be writing. And by that time, I will have already been accepted into colleges, so I don't have to worry about them taking my leaving into consideration. It's whatever/

What else? So I'm going to tie in theater here because I really do miss it a lot, even if I'm not doing it. I can't do it right now because I still haven't told one of the directors that I'm not doing something else for...her benefit, really. So I'm avoiding her because hell, I don't want to face her angry side. Not worth my time. So. But I sincerely miss it. Being backstage with all of those people. Those were some of the greatest moments of my time at this school. Because every one is sort of quiet and yet, they're fine with it. You can sit on one of their stools in the dark and just think. And I felt like I was a part of something. A crucial part of something. You know, like if I missed a day, people would worry and they'd have problems finding an adequate replacement. And it was like that with every single person. So there was respect for EVERY one. And I loved that, because I felt responsible for something and that I was useful. I hate not feeling useful. Which is also another reason I prefer to work alone. I liked theater because it was comfortable. It was so comfortable. I knew where everything was and I even managed to earn the approval of the resident techie, and I just think he is the most interesting man in the entire world. And everyone there sort of just comes together as a family. There is a separation between the actors and the crew members, I will not deny that. But during showtime, everyone puts that aside and it's just the most beautiful thing to see people holding hands in The Circle and just feeling that appreciation.

I did complain about it earlier, but now that I've been away from it for so long, I'm starting to regret leaving. My sister is doing it now, and everyone always tells me about her antics. And it makes it even worse. I'm happy that she gets to experience something like this though. Maybe it didn't have this same effect, but I do hope she finds something that makes her feel that way. Everyone deserves to fall in love with something like this, I think. It kind of gives them a reason to make it through the school day.

In place of theater, I've been going to Engineering and I'm really still trying to find my place in there. It is very similar to theater, in that most people tend to find out where they can fit in. I still haven't yet and it's sort of frustrating because some people do judge based on that. I don't feel crucial. If I left the team, I really would not be missed because I'm not really doing anything important. And that is honestly sort of bothersome because I feel like I'm wasting my time sometimes. Everyone says that "they'll find a job" for you. And it's true, I mean, I've been doing some stuff on it. But there seems to be a more defined rift between the different subgroups. I guess it's split between the hands-on people who actually work with the robot and the other people. Which is where I fall in. Because I seriously am not a hands-on person. I don't do that sort of stuff, that's really not my thing. And the position of a writing type of person has already been filled. I've been doing some work on CANstruction, where we're planning this big sculpture out of cans. But after that is done, I will seriously have no purpose there.

And I was called out on it today. Because I was sitting on my computer because the CANstruction meeting was over and well, yes, I did not wish to work on the robots because I've worked with them before and it's really not my thing, so I'm just there. I was with two other people and we were kind of relaxing because they're not hands-ony either and we had finished our other business. So. One of them made a comment about you know, relaxing because there wasn't anything else to do and the mentor said there was and he listed a few things but we literally could not do any of the things because we didn't have the necessary program. And we were going to have a meeting in the near future about it anyway. So we explained all of that and he was fine with that.

And after that I attempted to help out with the robots, because why not, maybe this time around I'll do something good and it'll somehow make sense. So I asked, "What needs to be done on the robots?" Innocent and GENUINE AS FUCK. Because I'm trying to fucking help. And this person says, "you would know if you actually came over here." Full on sassy and well, yes, condescending as hell.

And I realized that, yeah wow I could explode on him right now but that's not my place. And he made a good point, minus the fucking sass, so I did spend a lot of time thinking about it. Which is why I'm writing.

I literally spent 5 hours talking to someone about their own love for the team. And she was the one who found her odd little place, being a non-robotics person who fit in somehow. And she went on to describe her thoughts and stuff and I was honestly happy that she found it. But I'm just pissed now because I am probably the easiest person in the world to offend and I overthink everything and well, yes. Bye thanks fuck