Click "Follow" up above, on the little bar, to receive more updates on my insignificant time here on Earth. It will be greatly appreciated. And since you took time out of your day to visit my little blog, I think you're pretty amazing.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I don't have a home.

These are just total complaints but I'm lost and my head is numb now and my eyes are getting really puffy because of a breakdown. I am more than ready to move out of this building I am living in because almost every person in here is irrational, including myself. I cannot wait to get out of Houston, so in less than a year, I will be able to enjoy my freedom.

Where do I start? Okay, well, the major thing has always been my sister. For some reason, I've gotten more vocal about her bullshit because people actually see her and she's just gotten to be more and more of a bitch. I don't get it. Some people are really close with their siblings. I know one girl who is like, best friend's with her sister and their ages are the same as us. And then everyone else can stand to stay in their presence. But I literally have not held a single deep conversation with my sister. Since I can remember, we have done nothing but fight. And this year, the fights have gotten more and more intense and dangerous. 

I don't know, I think my parent's divorce had an affect on it. Because my mom would curse out my dad a lot in front of us and they'd call each other racially demeaning names. And so maybe we grew up into that. I have a bad mouth sometimes, but it's not even close to that of my sister. And in general, she is wildly irrational and spoiled as shit. She's used to getting what she wants. Like, literally, my parents will take her side on the majority of our arguments, and I am honestly there trying to remain calm. 

But it's like nobody sees it. I'm not even trying to paint myself as the perfect daughter who is a victim, but they honestly take her fucking side. I was driving home with a family friend and her son in the car along my mom, the sister, and my brother. And my sister was behind me kicking my seat and she would not let up. She kept on kicking my seat while I was driving, hard, and I honestly, honestly, honestly just turned to my mom to ask her to tell her to stop kicking my seat. Because my sister has never listened to me. And my mom said, "well, she's not doing it now." And so I pulled over because at that point, I was about to blow. She stopped kicking for a while.

And then started back up and I asked my mom again, and she responded with, "just keep driving." So I did lose it. The car was about to turn into an intersection, but I had to stop. So I burst out and cursed her out in front of the family friend and the son. So I guess they don't want to associate with me now, I haven't seen them in a long while, come to think of it. 

I was crying and shit and my sister was basking in her glory and you know what? My mom and her friend just laughed at me. The worst possible thing for anyone to do while anyone is crying is laugh. So that lead to more tears and my sister just stayed silent and kept kicking the fucking chair. And my mom let out with a chuckle that she wanted to take over driving, but (and I shouldn't have done this) I refused because I guess doing so would admit total defeat. I wanted to keep my dignity?

This bitch sprays me in the face with air freshener, which is apparently very negative for health. It states that it should not be inhaled. But this spoiled bitch sprays it in my face. I made a cake yesterday, or the day before. I was about to cut a slice out and put it on a plate, and she comes up and sprays the fucking air freshener on the plate. So I had to get a new one. And then she sprayed me twice in the face. And then a bunch of times after that.

She suspected that I had been in her room, but I really hadn't. Considering I WAS AT A SCHOOL MEETING for a huge chunk of the day and we got home at the same time. So she followed me around the house and held out the air spray can in front of me. I hate that fucking smell. I hate it.

And she'll spit on the floor. I do my homework in the hallway because my computer's internet stuff is weak as shit or something. So she'll hover over me and spit near me. 

I've told my parents about this, but they don't ever see both sides. They constantly think I have a lot to do with it. Whenever I tell my dad, he responds with, "you must have provoked her." And then she goes unpunished. And I honestly do not provoke her. Lately, she has just been coming up and attempting to start trouble. I am not making this shit up for attention or sympathy, I literally do not know what I am doing wrong. I do not know what to do but I do know that I need to leave soon. 
***********************
She's banging on my door now. She does that a lot. It's really loud and I'm crying again and I don't know what to do. Because nobody is on my side.
*************************************
Okay, great, my dad came into my room right now and and he has a belt and he tried to beat me with it. And I am so fucking lost right now, I can't see my fucking keys on this thing. And my sister is not being punished at all. He threatened to beat me and I have seriously done nothing wrong. 

I'll try to explain this, I don't know what to do I want to leave this house. So I came home today. My mom has to work so I'm babysitting Matthew. I also had a HUGE engineering project and it took 4 hours to complete. I finally finished a short while ago and it took up all of my evening. All I did was work on that project in that hallway. My dad worked out an agreement to watch Matthew if I had something particularly important due the next day. 

So that happened. It's really hard to put him to sleep. So he stays up until like 12 which is terrible, but nobody can put him to sleep and it's just another problem that we have. And I try multiple times to lull him to sleep and for a while it works, but my sister is right across and makes noises. So I move him to my room and turn off the lights and tuck him in, okay. And then I turn the hallway light one so I can still see in my room to clean up and get stuff ready for tomorrow. And my sister flips it off because she claims it is preventing her from sleeping, when all she has to do is close her own door to block out the light.

So my dad hears the commotion and comes out and takes her side and turns the light off. I ask him to see how fucking simple it would be to get her to close her door, but he just replies with, "I'm tired." And let's her have her way. 

So I'm here typing this shit up. I was done cleaning my room and stuff so I guess I had lost that battle. And Matthew was about to asleep but then he woke back up and went outside. So my sister thinks that I kicked him out, but I was just tired and exhausted and I still had to finish a bit of homework and do other stuff. So I let him walk out. And I know, yes, that is bad. I know it is.

After that, she came and banged on my door and it was incredibly forceful. And I pushed back and locked it. So things were fine for a while, but then that's when my dad came in with the belt and he was screaming and he told me that I was a terribly, shitty child. 

I don't understand. Anything. I try so hard to please my family. I do all of these things and win stuff and join clubs and get involved and do volunteering. And my dad focuses on the fact that I don't wash dishes on time or wash clothes before 1. That is it. That is it. Every. Single. Thing. I have ever done. All of the fucking trophies and shit on my drawer thing, the national merit whatever the fucking shit thing I got, the fact that I'm not out doing drugs or getting knocked up. Nothing fucking matters. And both of my parents constantly take her side and I hate living in this fucking house. 

I do not know what I am doing wrong. I don't know what I'm doing. The reason I don't wash clothes or dishes is because I'm staying up late doing homework and planning stuff. And my sister is the one that makes my brother cry almost every time she sees him.

I think she honestly hates me. But I don't know why. I have tried to help her, I ask her how her day is. And some would say jealousy but that... I just don't get it. Every single day, I come home to this but this time it went further than it usually did and I can't wait for school tomorrow but I don't want the weekend to come because that just means I'll be stuck at home. And I can't drive anywhere yet and I'm stuck.

Only until I get to college. I just need to move out of this house, I do not care, I don't feel appreciated and when I try to explain my point, I get ignored or threatened. And everything I do really doesn't matter. 

I talked to my mom about it and she just says that I'm going to college soon, too. So she understands it but knows she can't do anything about it. I want a new life. I don't want one of my family members and I wish the others would take me seriously. I'm a damn good kid. I used to think I was a damn good kid. I

Nobody is stopping her or doing anything because nothing can actually help. One of my friends actually offered to talk to my sister about her behavior, because maybe hearing it from someone else would help but I can't. Because I guess this is personal business and nobody has a right to know. But this has been happening for years and I'm just now letting it out because I'm so close to getting out of it.

I don't have a fucking home

No comments:

Post a Comment