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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Rant #1

So a lot has been going on for the last few weeks. Things are still sort of settling down, but I think for the most part, I'm getting used to senior year. I did want a bit of a challenge, because I knew that this year would be easier than my previous ones. So I definitely got one.

In reference to courses, I think all of mine are killer, great, fascinating. Some of them are still kind of a pain in the ass. Well, only pre-cal. But we've started with what, circles and radians and that good stuff, and it's a new quarter so, we'll see. I hope that's the only test I have to take. So as far as actual academic stuff, I'm doing alright.

So now the "fun" stuff. I really love Performance Workshop. It's one of those things where you can kind of keep to yourself and still feel alright because you don't feel left out. And on top of that, it's something that I really really love doing. I look forward to it every single day and I have a "voice" in there, not just literally, but...people listen. And they respect me and I respect them and it's just...nice to have something like that.

Journalism is going alright, and that's really all I can say about it at this point. The editors-in-chief are doing a great job with running things, and I'm officially not bitter about any of it at all. It's very freeing. Is that the word? There is one junior who needs to calm her tits down but other than that, everyone is actually interacting, unlike last year. I'm still kind of upset that I have to leave'll be fine. I'm still going to be writing. And by that time, I will have already been accepted into colleges, so I don't have to worry about them taking my leaving into consideration. It's whatever/

What else? So I'm going to tie in theater here because I really do miss it a lot, even if I'm not doing it. I can't do it right now because I still haven't told one of the directors that I'm not doing something else for...her benefit, really. So I'm avoiding her because hell, I don't want to face her angry side. Not worth my time. So. But I sincerely miss it. Being backstage with all of those people. Those were some of the greatest moments of my time at this school. Because every one is sort of quiet and yet, they're fine with it. You can sit on one of their stools in the dark and just think. And I felt like I was a part of something. A crucial part of something. You know, like if I missed a day, people would worry and they'd have problems finding an adequate replacement. And it was like that with every single person. So there was respect for EVERY one. And I loved that, because I felt responsible for something and that I was useful. I hate not feeling useful. Which is also another reason I prefer to work alone. I liked theater because it was comfortable. It was so comfortable. I knew where everything was and I even managed to earn the approval of the resident techie, and I just think he is the most interesting man in the entire world. And everyone there sort of just comes together as a family. There is a separation between the actors and the crew members, I will not deny that. But during showtime, everyone puts that aside and it's just the most beautiful thing to see people holding hands in The Circle and just feeling that appreciation.

I did complain about it earlier, but now that I've been away from it for so long, I'm starting to regret leaving. My sister is doing it now, and everyone always tells me about her antics. And it makes it even worse. I'm happy that she gets to experience something like this though. Maybe it didn't have this same effect, but I do hope she finds something that makes her feel that way. Everyone deserves to fall in love with something like this, I think. It kind of gives them a reason to make it through the school day.

In place of theater, I've been going to Engineering and I'm really still trying to find my place in there. It is very similar to theater, in that most people tend to find out where they can fit in. I still haven't yet and it's sort of frustrating because some people do judge based on that. I don't feel crucial. If I left the team, I really would not be missed because I'm not really doing anything important. And that is honestly sort of bothersome because I feel like I'm wasting my time sometimes. Everyone says that "they'll find a job" for you. And it's true, I mean, I've been doing some stuff on it. But there seems to be a more defined rift between the different subgroups. I guess it's split between the hands-on people who actually work with the robot and the other people. Which is where I fall in. Because I seriously am not a hands-on person. I don't do that sort of stuff, that's really not my thing. And the position of a writing type of person has already been filled. I've been doing some work on CANstruction, where we're planning this big sculpture out of cans. But after that is done, I will seriously have no purpose there.

And I was called out on it today. Because I was sitting on my computer because the CANstruction meeting was over and well, yes, I did not wish to work on the robots because I've worked with them before and it's really not my thing, so I'm just there. I was with two other people and we were kind of relaxing because they're not hands-ony either and we had finished our other business. So. One of them made a comment about you know, relaxing because there wasn't anything else to do and the mentor said there was and he listed a few things but we literally could not do any of the things because we didn't have the necessary program. And we were going to have a meeting in the near future about it anyway. So we explained all of that and he was fine with that.

And after that I attempted to help out with the robots, because why not, maybe this time around I'll do something good and it'll somehow make sense. So I asked, "What needs to be done on the robots?" Innocent and GENUINE AS FUCK. Because I'm trying to fucking help. And this person says, "you would know if you actually came over here." Full on sassy and well, yes, condescending as hell.

And I realized that, yeah wow I could explode on him right now but that's not my place. And he made a good point, minus the fucking sass, so I did spend a lot of time thinking about it. Which is why I'm writing.

I literally spent 5 hours talking to someone about their own love for the team. And she was the one who found her odd little place, being a non-robotics person who fit in somehow. And she went on to describe her thoughts and stuff and I was honestly happy that she found it. But I'm just pissed now because I am probably the easiest person in the world to offend and I overthink everything and well, yes. Bye thanks fuck

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