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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Rant #2

I've already gone off on this one girl and it sort of went more public than I had expected it too. I complain a lot on the internet because I can't do it in front of people. So I ...think I want people to see it, but I want to lower the risk of the subjects seeing it. Or like, I'll sort of hope someone sees it because stuff wants to be let out. Anyway, here I am again talking about the same person and yeah.

This girl and I are sort of dancing around the somewhat vague hints that neither or us like each other at all. And it's now gotten to this pseudo friendship type of thing. Where we'll talk and ask each other for help and bullshit about stuff but I don't ever want to be left alone with her because our interactions are incredibly fake. So this has been going on for a while and I'm just wondering why she's still going on with this because it's not helping either of us. And if she's trying to prove that she's the better person, that's dandy as fuck, I just don't care. She'll force conversations that don't need to happen. And I don't know if she wants to repair something or if she's doing this to "get at me" or what fuck I don't know, it's just- really pointless. All of this is pointless. Even talking about it. But I do not care because I want to say this so I will because I allowed to not like somebody.

Then some cockyass bitch in choir today decided to flaunt her talent. The director chose a few people for a certain part, I guess you could say. And she wasn't chosen, but later on, she put herself in that group. And she does this thing where if someone makes a mistakes, she will seriously chuckle at them. With a cockyfucklebitch look on her face. And it's annoying. Because she kind of can sing but her personality makes her incredibly ugly. Like, I'll see her and I will make a mental note in my head to see her as physically ugly as fuck. But when these shitty types of people make mistakes or fail at something that they were SO SURE that they were going to get, it actually pleases me in a sick, horrible way.

And I've considered the fact that perhaps they are like this because of other insecurities, but it's really hard to get that through when they repeatedly do stuff like that. I just hate cocky people with a passion. For some reason, I hate cocky girls more than I hate cocky guys. I don't know why.

I just...like, you can tell people about your accomplishments and I'll be proud, but don't keep on doing it. And if your intention with that is to intimidate people by your success, fuck you, you're lame as hell and you're a shitty person.

Damn it, what else? I'm a fuck-up in a lot of ways. I think some of the qualities that I hate in other people are evident in myself. Which makes me a giant hypocrite. Because I'm a fake person. I have faked a huge number of friendships because I don't want enemies. I don't think I have ever had a true enemy. Well, once. Right, and that ended badly because everyone was on her side. And I think I made fun of her because I didn't like the attention she was getting from guys because she had huge boobs in like 5th grade and she would just sit there and act dumb and I thought that was dumb, so I said some stuff. And well, it made sense that people took her side. So I had one enemy, but that was my fault.

So I don't ever want to have enemies again. So I fake a lot of friendships then blow up about them in private. Kind of private. So this fakeness thing that I see in that first girl is a big part of me.

And I don't know about the conceited thing. I keep that stuff to myself. But I have this thing where I hate talking a lot about myself in person. Obviously not here. I'll "catch" the number of times I refer to myself or tell my own stories, so I try to ask questions of other people. And then I go home and beat myself up if I spent a lot of time talking about myself or my own opinions. But all the stuff about my success in something is in my head, except yes sometimes it'll slip and I'll feel like shit. Because I encounter so so sososos sososo many cocky people and when I hear them talk about themselves, I'll shrink up and get annoyed. It's cool to tell me about your life. But again, just not all the time. Because seriously, with some things, I do not care at all. Like the fake girl came around one time and started to talk about her diet and how she was sticking to it, like wow good for her, this is actually the least interesting thing I've heard ever. I didn't care so much that I actually sort of indirectly started to care, but caring about not caring.

She was going on and I had to fight the urge to blurt out, "nobody cares." Something else was going on that day, I think, it was just weird.

With some people, I don't mind. I guess they have to give me more of a reason to dislike them. Like with one of my friends, but it's not really cockiness in this same sense. Like, I know a lot of people who love themselves and I honestly don't see that as a problem. But it's the people who list their things. And who aren't my friends to begin with. Like I won't care. I will not care. Soon everything from their mouth becomes crap to me.

I'm...almost done.


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