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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Now some REAL LIFE stuff


I seriously thought I was going to get kidnapped yesterday. I pulled into my driveway after meeting my mom at a Walgreen's for important business. We met up so we could take my car to practice for the upcoming driving test and we had just gotten back to the meet-up place. So now, home, driveway. But a car was behind me, blocking the exit. I turned off the engine and the lights and stuff and I expected it to go away, but it did not.

My heart felt like an ethnic artist recording The Sounds of Africa: Drums Edition, 50th Anniversary CD. This vessel of sheer terror begins to pull into my driveway. I have this metal pole in the backseat area for protection but at this point I felt helpless.

Then it began to back away and seconds later my dad pulls up with his car and that's when I start crying. And I try to explain the situation to him as we're both getting out and he informs me that the car was my mother's. She had followed me home to make sure I made it back just fine.

I'm trying to stress how important it is to not be stupid like me and be caught unprepared. Apparently, my initial paranoia prevented me from thinking logically and recognizing the car in the dark. It sounds like total bullshit, I don't know how else to put it, but my parents can verify it. I almost peed my pants during this ordeal and after that I felt like throwing up. My parents now think I'm really dumb for not thinking this through and now they dub me emotionally unstable and not ready for the streets. I agree.

Nightmare #2

This was after I went back to sleep.

I was at this fancy dinner party. Volunteering by sitting at a booth with a bunch of other girls. There was a stage right across from us and people were about to go up to perform. Chaos broke out and for some reason, I am now in front of the booth, smiling and pretending that things are alright. I wanted to make the guests feel at ease? 

At the end of it all, I was fired from my booth job. Which is bullshit because I didn't cause any of the trouble and I was volunteering in the first place. But whatever. I walked around and saw one of my friends with some acquaintances, like the class president. One was holding a baby and they were talking. There was a pitcher of water and for some reason I spit in it. Yeah. They were talking about some fancy stuff while I took the water I just spit in for myself and kind of left. 

Ok this dream was kind of incredibly boring, but it featured fruit punch at the end and I swear I could taste it. It was delicious fruit punch.

The end. 

It wasn't really a nightmare, but I was upset about losing  my "job" so. 

Nightmare #1


I had the worst nightmare ever in the entire history of ever forever. I already posted this on tumblr but it's okay.

So, I don't know if people know this, but my worst fear is an actual zombie apocalypse. This started before a lot of people started to get really into it and started to make survival guides and movies. So when I first thought about it, I really felt helpless. I fucking hate zombies. They truly are the worst. They're really your friends and other loved ones, but they want to eat you and like, kill you and all. That's fucking sad. If any of you guys were zombies, I'd try to remember you as you were. Not the creature you had become. Except none of you fuckers would get to eat me. I'd run away. I wouldn't kill you.

Before I go on, I just want to mention that the mind is glorious and terrifying. You can make up some pretty fantastic things on your own, but when you seem to have no control over it, it can feel dangerous. I've had nightmares before. I've had sleep paralysis, which is another thing that people like to call BS on, but it's so real, I almost peed in fear. Respect that. For a while, you are a victim of your mind and it is doing things on its own and you are just left there in your own fear.

At least with roaches and rabid animals, you can actually run away. Because they're real things, they're tangible. But you can't escape from your dreams as easily. You can try to wake up but it doesn't always work before the worst parts.

So moving on. I was in my home. My dad and sister were with me and  our neighborhood was infested with some zombies. They were crawling up and down houses and looking for ways to get in and it was fucking terrifying. I was going around the house, closing all of the blinds. I knew they knew we were in there, but it gave me a bit more security to know that they couldn't see us. I was finishing up my room and I went to the one closest to our driveway. I peeked out and they were lingering over there. My fucking car was infested and god that's so upsetting. Our garage was open, but there's really no way to get into our actual home through that. Two male humans were on top and one jumped...uh on top of a zombie woman lower half and I guess died while having sex with that. I think the impact killed him, he fell on her. It's pretty fucking gross.

So the other male human sort of disappeared, I don't know.

I went to my sister's room to tell her to close the blinds and of course, she wouldn't listen, so I did it for her. Then I went back to the kitchen to check on my dad and the fucking side door was open and I could hear my dad talking and there was a fucking zombie in a red plaid shirt in the dining room so I ran away. I don't think he saw me.

I went to my sister's room first to get her ready and she was being really slow and not listening, so I pulled her into my room so we could hide. I checked again to make sure my blinds were closed and they were, but from the angle we were sitting, they looked slightly open.

I told her to hide in the closet and we tied it shut. We waited there for a while, expecting the red plaid zombie to knock on the door. I assumed our dad had been converted. After no sounds for a while, I peeked out of the closet and for some reason, the blinds where waaaay open. For some reason, I could now see from outside my room with a bird's eye view. I saw two zombies fizzle up after being dunked in some water, then it started to rain for two seconds and all the zombies were gone.

Or so I thought. I went up to the window and the blinds were actually closed but I could still see (I don't know?????). And then a cloud materialized into a fucking zombie. Like holy SHIT if that's how they're getting around, we truly are screwed. But yeah. It turns out it was Zombie Jesus and he came up to the window where my face was and said, "I'm going to get you, you scrawny bitch."

And I remember that part vividly. I could see his face, it was bloated and bleeding and he had his hands up to the window. Fuck you, Jesus. I scooted away from the window and back into the closet and we waited some more. Through the slits of the closet, I could see that Basic Bitch Zombie Jesus was still standing there. And I began to panic even more because he could just use his divine power to materialize into my room.

Then some more waiting happens and for some reason, my sister starts playing some fUCKING music. It's from this black metal radio station and I tell her to turn it the fuck off and we take out the batteries and all of its components that could be taken out and the music was still playing. And it wasn't even good music.

So I try to muffle it yet it seems to get louder.

That's when we realize that the music is coming from the vent in the closet. I don't have a vent in my closet. But it was there in the dream.

I wake up and it's 4:something in the morning and it turns out I fell asleep on my arm and I could not feel it at all. So I touch my face a bit to see what it feels like to be caressed by a person that's not me and it was sad. I shook it around wildly to get the blood back in and then I went back to sleep. Then dream #2 happened.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

College Part II

My mom came by to pick up my brother since I was babysitting him over the past few days. We talked about my acceptance and she continued to be happy for me in her special little quiet way. She isn't the type to get really overexcited about much.

She asked me if I was still going to apply to Rice University, which is a really tough school to get into. 17% acceptance, I believe, extremely competitive. We've spoken about this multiple times before, along with my dad. Both of them are telling me that I should just go for it and they believe I don't have enough confidence in myself to make it in. They keep on saying I'm cutting myself too short.

Rice used to be one of my top schools, but with the position I am in now, realistically it is not going to happen. I don't lack confidence in my academic ability. I DO NOT lack confidence in my academic abilities. I really really don't. It's not a matter of feeling sorry for myself. I've looked at the stats. I spent entire days on college websites, hearing stories from students, asking questions, hoping to "get chanced" which is basically throwing out a condensed version of my resume and asking if they'd accept me. If I do apply, I will not get in and that is a fucking fact.

I love my parents and I appreciate how much they want to push me and challenge me to fight for my dreams or whatever. But at this moment, they do not understand what today's college admissions world is like.

I've been comparing myself to accepted and rejected students for realistic chances of getting in. Not all of them included the same information, but this should offer a decent general feeling of it.

Rejected:

  • Houston resident. GPA UW: 3.8 SAT: 2170 Rank: Top 20%  ECs- stellar in comparison to mine
  • Houston resident. GPA UW: 3.8 SAT: 2170 Rank: Top 20%  ECs- fucking stellar like holy crap, how do you have time. Race: South Asian (which honestly probably did not help)
  • Houston resident: Top 3% 
Waitlisted:
  • Houston resident. GPA UW: 3.9 W: 4.5 SAT: 2240 ECs: Better than mine
These are just the ones I could find today. But I've been going on sprees like this to find people who were similar to me or much better than me who were rejected. And I don't need any sort of pep talking or sympathy, because I'm not upset that I will not get in. I just feel bad because my parents believe I could. 

My mom posted this huge paragraph on her Facebook page that I think I wasn't supposed to see. She's one of those parents who likes to sort of brag about her kids. But yes, it was this long paragraph and in it she listed all of my accomplishments over the years and every single thing I have ever done to receive recognition. And then she ended it with "I am just sad that she felt like she didn't do enough to make it to Rice." And then her adult friends started commenting in that really excited, yet blunt adult way. And she make another long response that ended with "but still it hurts to see your kid thinking that they wished they could have done more."

So yeah, I feel like shit. I mean, yes, I will apply anyway but I do not want her or my dad to feel bad when I get rejected. They don't even put a lot of pressure on me. In fact they really weren't too involved in any of my things when I was growing up because I didn't let them. I don't like accepting help from people and I've been trying to get better with that now. But earlier, I did everything on my own and I've always been just fine and surprisingly successful. And I feel even worse because maybe if I let them help me, I would be able to get into Rice?

This is the first time my mom has ever really expressed her pride for me in a long and thoughtful way. Usually she'd just list what I did. But this time she put her thoughts into it. I would have never expected that she would get so into this, because as I mentioned before, she doesn't flip out like some people do. 

This morning, when I saw my dad for the first time, he asked me if I really did get accepted into Baylor. I was kind of confusing and replied with some sass but he said he just couldn't really believe it. He legitimately thought it was a dream. And at first, I thought he wasn't really proud of me. 

But now we're all sort of arguing about this Rice issue and I just feel like I could have done so much more. I'm not too worked up about it, but it is what it is, really. 

I'm upset that I let my parents down with my attitude about this and I'm even more upset because rejection would prove my point and make them feel guilty as parents. My dad used to take my sister and I to Rice once a month when we were little. I have a total of 5 t-shirts from their student store and I'm familiar with some of the layout. In my junior year, he took me around the campus and we saw one car with congratulatory paint on it. And they were driving around and blasting music because they got accepted. My dad said next year that would be me. Well. So.

I'm also upset because rejections from things like this crush them. I looked at the list of things that other people have done and honestly this is ridiculous. These kids spend their entire lives being remarkable and they get told that they're not good enough. And a lot of them have parents who are much more demanding than mine, so they take it a lot worse. 

Again. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. 



College

Okay, so the good news is that I received my first college acceptance notification. It's from Baylor. I logged onto their website and they had my name in big letters on a football screen type of thing and they were all like, "Micaela, you're accepted!" And so immediately after that I cried a bit and tried to explain and went into the bathroom. And then people followed me and watched me cry and it was nice.

I called up my parents and my mother screamed. She never screams. My dad was still at work so he couldn't answer his phone, whatever. I got home and was still kind of really happy.

I really like Baylor. Er, the campus. It's a gorgeous campus and it has a swimming pool with a water slide. It's completely spread out and I can see myself taking walks over there. I've been looking at dorms from the Facebook pictures of people I know and I was imagining myself in one.

The bad news is that my beliefs don't fit into my own and I'm afraid that going there will stifle a lot of the aspects of my personality. And at this point in my life, I'm still working on it. I don't want any drastic changes right now.

First of all, it's conservative. I've read several reviews from actual students and while the faculty tends to be quite liberal (as apparently most college faculty members are the students lean towards the right. Problem #1. I'm wildly liberal. I'll consider the opinions and arguments of the other side, but I think my mental wiring cannot allow me to be anything but liberal at this point in my life. I get that this might not manifest itself in such a blatant way. I currently go to a school that is mostly conservative. But I only associate with fellow liberals, which makes life easier. At this point right now, right before elections, I'm especially worried. If Romney does get elected, and I do attend Baylor, I wonder how much life would change for me. I have one class here where people are openly conservative and I honestly cannot talk because they do not listen to what I am saying. It's not just based on our different political standings, I'm aware, but no matter how much people try to cover it up, it is significant. I'm sure that I would be able to find a comfortable place in Baylor, but it would just be easier to fit in at a more liberal school.

Second, it's Baptist. It is the largest Baptist university in the world. The recognition for their size, I believe, pushes them even more to maintain a strong religious image in the media. Their mission statement contains a lot of declarations that I do not agree with in regards to religion. Granted, I currently go to a religious school, but aside from the classes we are forced to take and the occasional masses, it is not shoved down our throats. This current year actually, I'm taking a theology class that technically isn't theology at all. I don't feel ostracized during any of the masses. Yet I still don't like discussing religion with any of my classmates who don't know me as well. I fear that at Baylor, more of the people there will be outspoken about their religion. It's a Baptist school. Baptist. I apologize for making generalizations, but going with the information I have received through my own experiences, a number of them are fundamentalists. And I fear that they would be the type to force their opinions on me and judge me for being an atheist.

Third, they don't seem to allow support for a lot of minority groups, namely the LGBT community, which bothers me a lot. In 2011, just last year, Baylor offered a course titled, "Homosexuality as a Gateway Drug." The link goes to the Huffington Post, but there are multiple other websites that have published the same stories, if validity is what you're looking for. The public got in its face about it and they countered by saying it was "intended for independent study...for one student rather than as a group." They were forced to change the name into something more politically correct. Also, they would allow an entire course for one student which basically promotes homophobia and a false image of sexuality and they did not allow a gay student to start an awareness group that would actually increase positive understanding. I really do not want to spend four years of my life surrounded by people who don't want to open their minds and who would judge me or anybody else for something like this. I know that this is a single incident. And it doesn't reflect the entire views of the school, but these are exactly the type of things people should be looking into when making the decision.

So I've been accepted. I don't have any other option yet. I'm still waiting on a notification from UT which is more liberal and open minded. However, with the top 8% admissions rule in place, I have already prepared myself for rejection. Realistically speaking, my chances of getting into UT are somewhat slim. It's my first-choice at this moment, but it's up in the clouds. Baylor is my more down-to-earth 1st choice. So...second choice, but not really.

If I get in, I will go. I'll have to mentally prepare myself for the massive amount of people, because I know it is ridiculous. And with all of those people, I am guaranteed to encounter several major issues. I'm simply not ready yet to go out in an environment like that. In some ways, I think Baylor might be better because it would be much more controlled. I would be surrounded by people who have likely grown up in a strong household built on morals. Hell if I know, actually. That's more generalizing. UT is also much cheaper and Austin is a more lively place. I really like it up in Austin. I'm not a partier and my will is strong enough to turn away from that type of lifestyle, but having the option to go out to places is quite nice. Waco, on the other hand, features tortilla-throwing from a bridge as a main event.

I don't know where to go or what to do at this point, because time is a major factor. If I don't send in the deposit to announce my commitment to Baylor, I might get a shitty dorm. But I just cannot agree with their stances on these major issues. I feel like I would be suffocated here, despite it's wide open land layout. Which is still incredibly beautiful, by the way.

I've looked at Trinity and St. Edward's and a bunch of other Texas schools, but none of them appeal to me. I've researched them and I just don't feel any sort of attraction to them. So I've limited myself down to the ones with big names. I've been heading down this path since I was little. And now that I'm kind of almost here, I'm lost.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.