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Saturday, November 3, 2012

College Part II

My mom came by to pick up my brother since I was babysitting him over the past few days. We talked about my acceptance and she continued to be happy for me in her special little quiet way. She isn't the type to get really overexcited about much.

She asked me if I was still going to apply to Rice University, which is a really tough school to get into. 17% acceptance, I believe, extremely competitive. We've spoken about this multiple times before, along with my dad. Both of them are telling me that I should just go for it and they believe I don't have enough confidence in myself to make it in. They keep on saying I'm cutting myself too short.

Rice used to be one of my top schools, but with the position I am in now, realistically it is not going to happen. I don't lack confidence in my academic ability. I DO NOT lack confidence in my academic abilities. I really really don't. It's not a matter of feeling sorry for myself. I've looked at the stats. I spent entire days on college websites, hearing stories from students, asking questions, hoping to "get chanced" which is basically throwing out a condensed version of my resume and asking if they'd accept me. If I do apply, I will not get in and that is a fucking fact.

I love my parents and I appreciate how much they want to push me and challenge me to fight for my dreams or whatever. But at this moment, they do not understand what today's college admissions world is like.

I've been comparing myself to accepted and rejected students for realistic chances of getting in. Not all of them included the same information, but this should offer a decent general feeling of it.

Rejected:

  • Houston resident. GPA UW: 3.8 SAT: 2170 Rank: Top 20%  ECs- stellar in comparison to mine
  • Houston resident. GPA UW: 3.8 SAT: 2170 Rank: Top 20%  ECs- fucking stellar like holy crap, how do you have time. Race: South Asian (which honestly probably did not help)
  • Houston resident: Top 3% 
Waitlisted:
  • Houston resident. GPA UW: 3.9 W: 4.5 SAT: 2240 ECs: Better than mine
These are just the ones I could find today. But I've been going on sprees like this to find people who were similar to me or much better than me who were rejected. And I don't need any sort of pep talking or sympathy, because I'm not upset that I will not get in. I just feel bad because my parents believe I could. 

My mom posted this huge paragraph on her Facebook page that I think I wasn't supposed to see. She's one of those parents who likes to sort of brag about her kids. But yes, it was this long paragraph and in it she listed all of my accomplishments over the years and every single thing I have ever done to receive recognition. And then she ended it with "I am just sad that she felt like she didn't do enough to make it to Rice." And then her adult friends started commenting in that really excited, yet blunt adult way. And she make another long response that ended with "but still it hurts to see your kid thinking that they wished they could have done more."

So yeah, I feel like shit. I mean, yes, I will apply anyway but I do not want her or my dad to feel bad when I get rejected. They don't even put a lot of pressure on me. In fact they really weren't too involved in any of my things when I was growing up because I didn't let them. I don't like accepting help from people and I've been trying to get better with that now. But earlier, I did everything on my own and I've always been just fine and surprisingly successful. And I feel even worse because maybe if I let them help me, I would be able to get into Rice?

This is the first time my mom has ever really expressed her pride for me in a long and thoughtful way. Usually she'd just list what I did. But this time she put her thoughts into it. I would have never expected that she would get so into this, because as I mentioned before, she doesn't flip out like some people do. 

This morning, when I saw my dad for the first time, he asked me if I really did get accepted into Baylor. I was kind of confusing and replied with some sass but he said he just couldn't really believe it. He legitimately thought it was a dream. And at first, I thought he wasn't really proud of me. 

But now we're all sort of arguing about this Rice issue and I just feel like I could have done so much more. I'm not too worked up about it, but it is what it is, really. 

I'm upset that I let my parents down with my attitude about this and I'm even more upset because rejection would prove my point and make them feel guilty as parents. My dad used to take my sister and I to Rice once a month when we were little. I have a total of 5 t-shirts from their student store and I'm familiar with some of the layout. In my junior year, he took me around the campus and we saw one car with congratulatory paint on it. And they were driving around and blasting music because they got accepted. My dad said next year that would be me. Well. So.

I'm also upset because rejections from things like this crush them. I looked at the list of things that other people have done and honestly this is ridiculous. These kids spend their entire lives being remarkable and they get told that they're not good enough. And a lot of them have parents who are much more demanding than mine, so they take it a lot worse. 

Again. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. 



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