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Saturday, January 19, 2013

I'm lost...


So here’s a really vague inside look into what’s up. 
I am only 80% sure of my brother’s actual location and only 60% sure that he is in the same city at all. My family is not allowed to know. A lot of things have happened basically and long story short, we are not guaranteed to see him for about three weeks. 
I call it kidnapping, but police officers call it something else. 
Things I have learned from this:
  • Evil is alive and well in this world and it exists in people
  • Police officers may be helping in keeping the general population safe, but my family’s experience with them have honestly crushed my hope and faith in the system (they believed multiple lies from the people involved in my brother’s disappearance)
  • Irrationality and extreme uncontrolled emotions leads to disaster (I mean, this was known beforehand, but still)
  • Rich people can do everything they want, including take a child and hid him, and poor people, including my family, might as well suck shit from their asses
  • I took my brother for granted and he was the most important person to me
If you read through this, neat. You might be wondering why and how I’m on fucking Tumblr (EDIT: posted there at first) at all, as if I’m here because I’m forgetting about my brother. I’m here because I do not know how else to cope. I’m writing for the same reason, as well. Getting things on the screen or on paper is just how I get everything out. Everyone on this side is exhausted, and it’s more than just something physical, but it affects us to the core.
I don’t know if you know me, but I am extremely emotional. Not just crying, but actually grieving. I know he’s not dead, 99.999999999%, but since we don’t have any way of contacting him, there’s always that little bit of doubt. I know that we might actually get him back. But I have been torn apart for these past few days. We’ve been doing legal research and emailing attorneys and looking up addresses where he might be, so none of us have been slacking off. 
I’ve seen both of my parents go from invincible to flawed to pained to desperate to broken because of this. Broken. More than the fucking bullshit that a lot of people claim every day at school because of a bad grade or petty drama over boys. Broken because this is a family member who is now just gone. I had to drive my mom around several times when we were driving to the District Attorney and similar places because she was sobbing too much to focus. She would look at one of his toys in her car and she’d lose it. I walked in on my dad in the kitchen, sobbing. My parents were sobbing and I had never seen that before. 
It seems like everyone who doesn’t love him knows where he is, or claimed to know where he is, but not the people who love him the most. 
After the fact that we don’t know where he is, the next horrible realization is that life is still going on around us. I still have to do homework, I still have to study for a test on Tuesday, I still have to make up work, I still have to go to rehearsals. Because life is still going on. Worst of all, I still have to deal with people who still think the world revolves around them, who complain about things that don’t even matter. I sit in front of one such person in my Government class, and if she mentions one thing about how she didn’t get a 98 on her last test because “anything below a 98 is failing” and mention how “some people just look stupid”, I will shove a pencil at a rate of one millimeter per hour in her eye while making eye contact and firing coffee at the other one. 
I don’t know if I can deal with anyone at school right now. If I could do all of the things without seeing people, I would. I cannot skip three weeks and just stay at home waiting to possibly see my brother. That’s also part of the reason I am revealing some of this, so that people who see me in person won’t treat me differently.
I don’t want people asking questions about this either, unless you know me well enough to do so. I don’t want fake concern or people who feel like they need to pretend to care. For me, that’s on the same level as making fun of this situation to my face. 
I would give up anything right now just to be able to call him and hear his voice. I don’t even know if he’s okay. He’s not even with the grandparents anymore, they put him with another family. My brother is with strangers in an unknown location. 
If any of you reading this are fighting with your siblings, or if you haven’t seen them awhile, I want you to just interact with them right now. Get off the computer and just go out and fucking look at them. You don’t have to hug them or anything. But do it for me. You are able to

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Existential Crisis

I'm currently stuck in the middle of an existential crisis right now. It's been going on for almost a week and it's upsetting because the minor things that I disagree with over the course of the day only contribute to my already negative conclusions. I use "conclusions" lightly.

I have since came to the realization, for myself at least, that humans really have no purpose at all. I've talked it over a bunch of time with a friend and she believes that humans are created for happiness. Our reason for being put on this planet is to be happy. I understand that, but I don't agree. Her belief branched off from the  implication that God put humanity on this forsaken Earth in order to love him. That's happiness, being able to love him and appreciate what he created. It's apparently the greatest gift. Right, but why?

Perhaps I've thought myself into a hole. I'm stuck in it and I can't fucking get out. It only makes me sad in the evening after a long day, and all of my days have become long days. I'm able to reflect on all of the things that made me upset or unhappy in the slightest. And that when I compare them to the moments that made me happy. When I realized that the happy moments were overshadowed by the negative moments, I began to feel sort of hopeless.

I didn't feel like dying or anything like that. I just felt really pointless. Any decisions I make will be towards my future, but my future is completely unnecessary. My entire existence is unnecessary. The people who I've had an impact on, any sort of impact, would have likely encountered someone else who would have made that same difference.

The lowest point was this evening, as I was driving home from school. Alright, so I don't want to actively pursue an end, but I hope one can see why living the longest life ever doesn't seem too appealing? People are going to continue to get offended and I'm just going to continue to mold myself into the model human being only to settle down at 40 and live out my cookie-cutter life. So I sort of accepted that it wouldn't be too bad for another car to hit me. But I didn't actively try to do so, because that would hurt other people. It's not fair to want to hurt others because they haven't come to my same conclusion.

So I don't want to die. But I want to find a sufficient enough reason to live because I'm going to be stuck here for a while. And right, I might as well be happy.

But in the middle of things that make me happy, I'll just think of how petty they all are. Like humor and stuff. I don't like making jokes or comments anymore at all because I feel they contribute to people thinking I'm more stupid than they are. Like I can't be serious. I want a new start. Singing is just moving things in your throat around. Writing is enjoyed temporarily. Even stuff like friendship, which is the one concept that really hurts the most to think about. It has become really difficult for me because I just know that we are all getting closer to the end of our relationships with one another.I'm really bad with communication and I already know that one of these days, I'm just going to gradually ignore every single person I used to know. It's built into my nature and I will just believe that making contact with me is simply becoming a chore.

More on that in the next one, I suppose.

After School

Dynamics have changed in both of my extracurricular activities and I've found that the problem is just really my own damn self. I am the common denominator and my issue is that I'm taking offense to easily at things. How do I change that? How do I build up thicker skin? What's actually the whole fucking point?

I mean, I'm going to have to deal with people in college, but I don't see the point in changing myself for the last few months of high school. Aside from "getting practice in". The thing is it's hard to change stuff around people you've already known for a while. It's much more simple, for me at least, to start with new people and go from there. Which is what I plan on doing.

I just don't like being corrected in pretentious ways, like that is the one thing that probably pisses me off the most. That's why I've hated asking questions. Because people get really uppity about helping others, for some goddamn reason. They'll talk slow to me or be sarcastic or just treat me as though I'm stupid. I hate being treated as such, and seeing as I'm not typically seen as intelligent to begin with because my first impression often involves dumb humor, a lot of people just treat me in an uncomfortable manner.

Granted, I'm new on the Engineering team. So obviously yes, I'm not going to know everything. But if I'm asking genuine questions and making an attempt to learn, the least people can do is make an effort to help me out in a non-pretentious way.

I also hate being corrected in snippy ways. I hate being treated like I'm dumb because of simple mechanical things. I hate when people don't expect much from me and literally tell me to wait for someone else to do something. I'm going to have to learn to deal with it, because it's easier to just change myself. The thing is, it's not one of those things that can be ignored, as it is actually affected the amount of work I am able to do. How the fuck am I supposed to learn shit if nobody will let me do it? Do they seriously believe they are being helpful by making it uncomfortable for people to ask fucking questions? Do they not realize that their attitude is making it difficult to want to stay on the fucking team?

It may not seem like a big deal, but when you're getting this from multiple people, it's just flat-out bullshit. It's expected with new members, I know. And I'm going to need to stick around for a lot more if I want to be taken seriously. I've made efforts, suggested ideas that were in play for a while, attempted to help. But fucking people don't realize that a team is supposed to be helpful. From my understanding, there shouldn't be internal competition in a high school Engineering team. We're a team. That's the point. Work together to build the best robot.

It's only certain people who do this. But more people expect less from me.

As far as the musical goes, things are going quite well. Although I believe some people are merely hanging out with me because someone told them I was feeling lonely. Once the singing part of the rehearsal picked up, I felt much more comfortable. And to be perfectly honest, dancing is not as bad. We're all taking the time to teach each other and not laugh. It's cliquey still, very much so. But I've found that it's easier to break in.

People seem to respect others more when they're really good at something. I mean, that makes sense.

That's that.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Privilege.

Unstructured, pointless rambling ahead. Just some more thoughts on something that has popped up recently. The points expressed in this are not fully backed up/explained, heads-up.

Right, so privilege has turned into this incredibly controversial concept. From one viewpoint, the oppressed are using it in order to raise awareness of those in better natural circumstances. The "normal" people find that they are simply raising hell for no reason and they need to get the stick out of their behinds. On the other hand, the oppressed are sick and tired of the complaints of those who really shouldn't be complaining, since their lives have been relatively easy.

For both, it seems, the privilege argument has become a way to shut down opinions from those they deem either too privileged (and therefore offensive) or too easily offended.

Let's define oppressed, as according to popular culture today; typically a minority group of people who have no control over that which makes them different from those with ideal characteristics. So basically, if you are a white, able-bodied, cisgendered, heterosexual, educated man, you're favored by society. Those who don't fit into that often face several issues in their daily lives that cause them to feel marginalized. If you express any sort of unhappiness (assuming you fit into these standards), someone may clamp down on you and urge you to "check your privilege". Why? Because, relatively speaking, you have no right to complain, as you are not suffering as much with your natural qualities. That is my current understanding of this topic. This does not mean that I am establishing ties to either side. I, too, am trying to understand this.

Starting with some really tame examples that I've collected through the internet. I'm not going to do race, since I always do race, so let's go with something else. Straight privilege is being able to go around in public and more often than not, assume that the gender you are attracted to is attracted to your gender, generally speaking. (Note that this applies to most public places. Obviously this does not stand in a gay bar. It's okay, click it.) Able-bodied privilege is not having to look for wheelchair ramps everywhere you go because you have fully-functioning legs. Cisgendered privilege is having everyone correctly assume that you believe you are the gender that your biological make-up suggests (there are even a set of pronouns designed for non-cis people, specifically those who do not choose to identify with the two genders most of the world is familiar with).

Now, a lot of people are calling complete bullshit on all of this. Especially the cisgendered one. In my opinion, those types of disagreements are a result of a lack of understanding. Sexual orientation and gender are just really fluid for a lot of people, while...okay able-bodiedness advantages is something that seems to make sense upon first considering it. But a lot of people overreact to the point where it makes others uncomfortable.

There are a few "new" ones, too. More and more people are becoming aware of them because of a very vocal group. They appear to be more extreme in comparison to what most are used to. Otherkin, for instance, are those who identify as a species other then human. Then we have transethnic people, who identify as an ethnicity other than their own. It's even more difficult to try to grasp this. Especially when one comes across a person who claims to be a hermit crab.

A lot of people have just turned against this particular group, namely the otherkin. It's just a mess. I am in no place to really pass judgment on these people who believe one thing or the other. I just... I don't know where this is going to go. I'll be keeping tabs on it.


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

This is not super great


The language in this is simple, um, and I'm not putting a lot of thought into it. I mean, no, there is a lot of thought. It's what's going through my head right now. I mean, I'm not going to try to sound better than I am, in terms of writing style.

I do not want to carry on with this second semester. I don't even know, I'd much rather stay at home. It's not the classes or the people. Things used to be really exciting, yes, right. I would wake up and get pumped up about going to school just to see everyone. 

I think it's just normal, senior year and all. The best part of the day is after school, at Engineering. I regret doing theater. I feel small during rehearsals. I don't want a lot of attention, but I don't want to feel small. Everything is just really difficult for me, I'm not meant to be on stage, perhaps. Maybe later on, I'll feel like I'm actually a part of it. 

If I'm going to spend this much time doing anything, I'd want to spend it doing something I'd like. That's why I like staying really late after school for Engineering. The absolute best parts of the day, and I seriously mean the best parts of the day are when there are only 5 or so people and Allen, the mentor. Everything has died down a lot, and it's more like a family around a giant dinner table. You have people quietly working on things, helping out, minus the chaos of having too many people. 

You can easily turn to anyone for help during those times, and they'll be ready. You can add in little side conversations while staying focused on whatever it is you're doing.

Today, I was working on one of the prototypes of something we are building for the robot and at first, about 6 people were working on it. Six was too many, but people started to leave. Eventually, it was just two people and we didn't even have to do that small-talk bullshit. It was great. 

That was the happiest point. Maybe it's just because it's the end of the day and I'm just tired and worn out. So being there is just like falling on a heap of blankets and pillows alone. 

I at least feel involved or important. Yes, that's the word. There are very few people there, which means my weird fear of judgment basically disappears. 

If I were just doing theater, I would honestly hate this last semester. I don't even know. I've strongly considered skipping a lot of rehearsals, but then I wouldn't be able to go on tour, which is in Boston this year. I'm pretty sure they could replace me with someone else. 

Someone jokingly suggested that I should injure my leg or something, thus rendering me unable to be in the musical. Or at least the dances. And I thought about that for a really long time. 

My arm has been hurting a lot since the last dance rehearsal. And it seems really small and petty and all, but this fucking thing just reminds me of the thing throughout the day. I can't move it without feeling it, which leads me to think about how much I don't like this. I'm trapped. I made that commitment, though. Lesson learned. I tried to do new things, and this. Man. This is one of the only things I've ever strongly opposed. 

I want out of this production. In my mind, there are reasons for it. I don't need anybody's approval or anything of my own thoughts. I really just hate it. I've already sat down and cried multiple times over the fact that I have to do this. 

It's just the start of this semester. I'm ready to graduate. Except, I don't actually want to be at the ceremony, either. That's another thing. I just don't want to do all of this right now, it's a really weird week. 

5??? more months? I think. It's doable. There are at least some things to look forward to, so there's that. 

Monday, January 7, 2013

Thought Dump #2

This is honestly a bunch of whining and self-pity and a lot of self-disappointment and criticism and sadness, okay here.

Theater. I regret auditioning, I regret everything. It's such a giant timesuck and I am unimportant, yet I still have to be there. I can't do things as well as all of the other people, and I get called out for it. Everyone is still segregated and I don't even know who to sit with when we're not rehearsing. For the past few rehearsals, I've found a little corner to hide in and mess around on my phone, which really means rolling down Twitter multiple times, because that is the only app my phone can hold. Every time I've been there, I've either been crying or close to tears, and wow that sounds like some weak-ass bitch bullshit. But I don't know, I just feel small. I feel small and useless and I am seriously one of the people who is slowing others down. Because the instructor had to go over one of the dances in slow motion for me to pick it up.

The more experienced girls talk about those who can't dance. They gossip openly about it. I was somehow supposed to be a base for a cheerleading type stunt that we were doing and well, okay let's just say I fucked up a lot. And so the actual Strake cheerleaders spent some time making fun of others who made my same mistakes and they were criticizing other groups. I just felt really horrible.

I hate inconveniencing people. I hate being talking about. Although I like alone time, I hate being left alone all the time. People will come up to be, but all of our conversations end in silence because I have little to no common ground with most of them. I just honestly feel really really sad when I have to go to rehearsal. I feel like I could be doing something better with my time.

Today at rehearsal, I was once again close to crying because I was feeling sorry for myself and I couldn't fix anything and I just felt really dumb. Two of my really good friends who were on crew called me over and they just agreed about how cliquey this all was and

god I don't even know anymore. There are so many changes going on and it's happening all at once. And fuck, if I can't even handle a fucking semester change in high school, how in the world am I going on handle fucking college?????

It's not even a big deal. Well okay, no, it is a big deal. It's not easy for me to change myself and become super loud in front of all of these strangers. So making friends sucks. And there are CLIQUES, for fucks sake. It's not like how it is in Engineering, at all. You cannot just break into one of these and feel comfortable. It's so segregated and I didn't think this through at all. I have some friends, but they're in their little groups and I cannot break in. I've tried and tried but I get knocked out of the circle. And then dancing happens and I'm the one who's behind and the guy has to fucking stop everything.

I don't feel comfortable and I really don't belong. The only reason, and I seriously mean the ONLY reason I got in was because of loud singing. Not even necessarily good loud singing, just loud singing. I'm not an actress.

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that there's Engineering afterwards. Rehearsals only go until 6, and I can stay at Engineering until 10 if I want to. It's different. At first I didn't think I'd be able to help or fit in at all. But people have been explaining things and helping me, like sitting me down and walking me through things and actually getting me up-to-date. It's not a competition. Nobody there will gossip about someone's inability to work a drill press. They won't laugh at you for getting the wrong kind of screw. People are just helpful and willing to help me learn. I got there today after rehearsal and the first thing to reach my ears was my name in an excited tone, and then I was pulled in to see a GIANT bag of chips.

Now that all of this is out, it's not bad. I can deal with it and everything, just at the moment it seemed like a lot.  Okay. Okay.

Thought Dump

So hello, yes, it was the first day of the second semester of my senior year, and I'm just going to go down and list things. Forget eloquence and logically tying things into each other, this is just what's happening. Hooray.

I usually get really excited about the first day back after a lot of breaks, because that means seeing friends or teachers, right, that I haven't seen in a while. But this time, I didn't feel it as much. That kind of threw me off, I don't know, it's minor. I expected a few changes in classes, but when I actually got to them, I was more surprised than expected. These are just the ones that have changed/will change the most.

So I still have Pre-Calculus for first period, and that was pretty normal. I was put in a new group (man, I really hate those) and we had to start with a bit of small talk, but once we got going, it was alright. I think I can get comfortable with them. I really used to despise working in small groups for math, but I've found that it actually does help. It basically forces you to do homework and participate, because everyone depends on one another. I usually always do homework, but I half-ass it, so it's pushing me. And the previous midterm exam was an eye-opener. I went into this semester with a plan to do better. I can do the stuff, the simple stuff, it's fine, but then things started to pick up later on. And I hate asking people for help, in general, especially strangers. Because  you don't know if they're going to be condescending about it. There are some people who are totally genuine about answering questions, and they really want to help you understand. But picking them out is difficult, so I avoid that altogether. So yeah, I didn't even go to my math teacher for assistance, when I really should have. Or at the very least, I should have contacted my friends who were in it. I was literally one point away on the test from a B, which would have been juuust enough to slip me over the edge for a 3, in terms of GPA. All of my other grades were perfect and lovely.

Math is just... egh what is it- it's just always been an issue for me. I get the concepts and I can pull them together on homework. I can explain it in class to other students and people ask me for help. I get really bold in class, too, which is really odd for me. But outside of that environment, including on tests and quizzes, all of that seems to fizzle out. Being smart in the classroom is nice, but one of the main goals of learning is being able to apply that information outside of that realm. That's my issue. It's only a matter of going over it when I get home and drilling it in. It's an easy fix. But I have never truly studied before, because I never needed to. So it's rather difficult to pick up these new habits. I'll fix it.

What was next? Oh, yes, they put me in Fitness Through Rhythm and Motion, and it's really just a casual dance class. This replaces Journalism. I am glad to be out of that class. It wasn't what I fell in love with. It sort of fell apart for me at the end of last year. There's a huge group of seniors that are really close to one another, and they run it. The outsiders were me and this really sweet girl. The only thing I regret about switching out was leaving her behind, because honestly, she was the best part about that class.

Well so now I'm here. I have a hatred of structured dancing. I don't pick things up as easily now. It was much better during middle school. I choreographed a dance and taught it to a bunch of people. Even though it fell apart on the actual day, I felt good while doing it. Nowadays, I just cannot catch on. What makes it worse is that a lot of the people around me can pick up movements easily. More on that later. I'll dedicate an entire post to it. I mean, but since this isn't as important, this hopefully won't be bad. I just really don't like people watching me, in general, but it's 1098210x worse when it's for something I'm not good at.

English- The dynamics have shifted because a friend from another class moved into mine. I have this weird thing with English classes. I'm usually more comfortable in a class full of strangers. It's easier for me to not hold back. It seems so strange, but I hold back a lot in classes with friends because I'm afraid of some type of judgment. They're not supposed to, but it's just that I'm used to seeing them in a more loose environment, where I'm joking around. So they've only really seen the humorous side of me. Being in a class with them almost forces me to tone everything down. I also don't want to look stupid in front of them, so the whole question-fear thing is intensified. It's only some classes, though like English (for all 4 years) and only during this year, science. I've always piped up in theology classes regardless of who I really know, along with math. Okay especially math. Which is kind of odd considering that it is my worst class. dskjhg Okay, so really, I just feel like it's going to change a lot this semester. I'm excited, but I will silence myself. Or just sort of tone myself down a lot. So there's that.

And then Government, but I'm not too worried about that at all. It's different, there are new people and a different teacher. I miss my old one a lot.

The rest seem to be just fine, they are the only constants for the day and I am so thankful. There are still girls in my physics class I would like to not hear on a near-daily basis, but for the most part, that's just fine. Workshop is just the same. I feel no different. At all. It's good. Like honestly, all of that is good.

Now for the other stuff, yeah-