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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

After School

Dynamics have changed in both of my extracurricular activities and I've found that the problem is just really my own damn self. I am the common denominator and my issue is that I'm taking offense to easily at things. How do I change that? How do I build up thicker skin? What's actually the whole fucking point?

I mean, I'm going to have to deal with people in college, but I don't see the point in changing myself for the last few months of high school. Aside from "getting practice in". The thing is it's hard to change stuff around people you've already known for a while. It's much more simple, for me at least, to start with new people and go from there. Which is what I plan on doing.

I just don't like being corrected in pretentious ways, like that is the one thing that probably pisses me off the most. That's why I've hated asking questions. Because people get really uppity about helping others, for some goddamn reason. They'll talk slow to me or be sarcastic or just treat me as though I'm stupid. I hate being treated as such, and seeing as I'm not typically seen as intelligent to begin with because my first impression often involves dumb humor, a lot of people just treat me in an uncomfortable manner.

Granted, I'm new on the Engineering team. So obviously yes, I'm not going to know everything. But if I'm asking genuine questions and making an attempt to learn, the least people can do is make an effort to help me out in a non-pretentious way.

I also hate being corrected in snippy ways. I hate being treated like I'm dumb because of simple mechanical things. I hate when people don't expect much from me and literally tell me to wait for someone else to do something. I'm going to have to learn to deal with it, because it's easier to just change myself. The thing is, it's not one of those things that can be ignored, as it is actually affected the amount of work I am able to do. How the fuck am I supposed to learn shit if nobody will let me do it? Do they seriously believe they are being helpful by making it uncomfortable for people to ask fucking questions? Do they not realize that their attitude is making it difficult to want to stay on the fucking team?

It may not seem like a big deal, but when you're getting this from multiple people, it's just flat-out bullshit. It's expected with new members, I know. And I'm going to need to stick around for a lot more if I want to be taken seriously. I've made efforts, suggested ideas that were in play for a while, attempted to help. But fucking people don't realize that a team is supposed to be helpful. From my understanding, there shouldn't be internal competition in a high school Engineering team. We're a team. That's the point. Work together to build the best robot.

It's only certain people who do this. But more people expect less from me.

As far as the musical goes, things are going quite well. Although I believe some people are merely hanging out with me because someone told them I was feeling lonely. Once the singing part of the rehearsal picked up, I felt much more comfortable. And to be perfectly honest, dancing is not as bad. We're all taking the time to teach each other and not laugh. It's cliquey still, very much so. But I've found that it's easier to break in.

People seem to respect others more when they're really good at something. I mean, that makes sense.

That's that.

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