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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Existential Crisis

I'm currently stuck in the middle of an existential crisis right now. It's been going on for almost a week and it's upsetting because the minor things that I disagree with over the course of the day only contribute to my already negative conclusions. I use "conclusions" lightly.

I have since came to the realization, for myself at least, that humans really have no purpose at all. I've talked it over a bunch of time with a friend and she believes that humans are created for happiness. Our reason for being put on this planet is to be happy. I understand that, but I don't agree. Her belief branched off from the  implication that God put humanity on this forsaken Earth in order to love him. That's happiness, being able to love him and appreciate what he created. It's apparently the greatest gift. Right, but why?

Perhaps I've thought myself into a hole. I'm stuck in it and I can't fucking get out. It only makes me sad in the evening after a long day, and all of my days have become long days. I'm able to reflect on all of the things that made me upset or unhappy in the slightest. And that when I compare them to the moments that made me happy. When I realized that the happy moments were overshadowed by the negative moments, I began to feel sort of hopeless.

I didn't feel like dying or anything like that. I just felt really pointless. Any decisions I make will be towards my future, but my future is completely unnecessary. My entire existence is unnecessary. The people who I've had an impact on, any sort of impact, would have likely encountered someone else who would have made that same difference.

The lowest point was this evening, as I was driving home from school. Alright, so I don't want to actively pursue an end, but I hope one can see why living the longest life ever doesn't seem too appealing? People are going to continue to get offended and I'm just going to continue to mold myself into the model human being only to settle down at 40 and live out my cookie-cutter life. So I sort of accepted that it wouldn't be too bad for another car to hit me. But I didn't actively try to do so, because that would hurt other people. It's not fair to want to hurt others because they haven't come to my same conclusion.

So I don't want to die. But I want to find a sufficient enough reason to live because I'm going to be stuck here for a while. And right, I might as well be happy.

But in the middle of things that make me happy, I'll just think of how petty they all are. Like humor and stuff. I don't like making jokes or comments anymore at all because I feel they contribute to people thinking I'm more stupid than they are. Like I can't be serious. I want a new start. Singing is just moving things in your throat around. Writing is enjoyed temporarily. Even stuff like friendship, which is the one concept that really hurts the most to think about. It has become really difficult for me because I just know that we are all getting closer to the end of our relationships with one another.I'm really bad with communication and I already know that one of these days, I'm just going to gradually ignore every single person I used to know. It's built into my nature and I will just believe that making contact with me is simply becoming a chore.

More on that in the next one, I suppose.

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