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Saturday, January 19, 2013

I'm lost...


So here’s a really vague inside look into what’s up. 
I am only 80% sure of my brother’s actual location and only 60% sure that he is in the same city at all. My family is not allowed to know. A lot of things have happened basically and long story short, we are not guaranteed to see him for about three weeks. 
I call it kidnapping, but police officers call it something else. 
Things I have learned from this:
  • Evil is alive and well in this world and it exists in people
  • Police officers may be helping in keeping the general population safe, but my family’s experience with them have honestly crushed my hope and faith in the system (they believed multiple lies from the people involved in my brother’s disappearance)
  • Irrationality and extreme uncontrolled emotions leads to disaster (I mean, this was known beforehand, but still)
  • Rich people can do everything they want, including take a child and hid him, and poor people, including my family, might as well suck shit from their asses
  • I took my brother for granted and he was the most important person to me
If you read through this, neat. You might be wondering why and how I’m on fucking Tumblr (EDIT: posted there at first) at all, as if I’m here because I’m forgetting about my brother. I’m here because I do not know how else to cope. I’m writing for the same reason, as well. Getting things on the screen or on paper is just how I get everything out. Everyone on this side is exhausted, and it’s more than just something physical, but it affects us to the core.
I don’t know if you know me, but I am extremely emotional. Not just crying, but actually grieving. I know he’s not dead, 99.999999999%, but since we don’t have any way of contacting him, there’s always that little bit of doubt. I know that we might actually get him back. But I have been torn apart for these past few days. We’ve been doing legal research and emailing attorneys and looking up addresses where he might be, so none of us have been slacking off. 
I’ve seen both of my parents go from invincible to flawed to pained to desperate to broken because of this. Broken. More than the fucking bullshit that a lot of people claim every day at school because of a bad grade or petty drama over boys. Broken because this is a family member who is now just gone. I had to drive my mom around several times when we were driving to the District Attorney and similar places because she was sobbing too much to focus. She would look at one of his toys in her car and she’d lose it. I walked in on my dad in the kitchen, sobbing. My parents were sobbing and I had never seen that before. 
It seems like everyone who doesn’t love him knows where he is, or claimed to know where he is, but not the people who love him the most. 
After the fact that we don’t know where he is, the next horrible realization is that life is still going on around us. I still have to do homework, I still have to study for a test on Tuesday, I still have to make up work, I still have to go to rehearsals. Because life is still going on. Worst of all, I still have to deal with people who still think the world revolves around them, who complain about things that don’t even matter. I sit in front of one such person in my Government class, and if she mentions one thing about how she didn’t get a 98 on her last test because “anything below a 98 is failing” and mention how “some people just look stupid”, I will shove a pencil at a rate of one millimeter per hour in her eye while making eye contact and firing coffee at the other one. 
I don’t know if I can deal with anyone at school right now. If I could do all of the things without seeing people, I would. I cannot skip three weeks and just stay at home waiting to possibly see my brother. That’s also part of the reason I am revealing some of this, so that people who see me in person won’t treat me differently.
I don’t want people asking questions about this either, unless you know me well enough to do so. I don’t want fake concern or people who feel like they need to pretend to care. For me, that’s on the same level as making fun of this situation to my face. 
I would give up anything right now just to be able to call him and hear his voice. I don’t even know if he’s okay. He’s not even with the grandparents anymore, they put him with another family. My brother is with strangers in an unknown location. 
If any of you reading this are fighting with your siblings, or if you haven’t seen them awhile, I want you to just interact with them right now. Get off the computer and just go out and fucking look at them. You don’t have to hug them or anything. But do it for me. You are able to

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