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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

This is not super great

The language in this is simple, um, and I'm not putting a lot of thought into it. I mean, no, there is a lot of thought. It's what's going through my head right now. I mean, I'm not going to try to sound better than I am, in terms of writing style.

I do not want to carry on with this second semester. I don't even know, I'd much rather stay at home. It's not the classes or the people. Things used to be really exciting, yes, right. I would wake up and get pumped up about going to school just to see everyone. 

I think it's just normal, senior year and all. The best part of the day is after school, at Engineering. I regret doing theater. I feel small during rehearsals. I don't want a lot of attention, but I don't want to feel small. Everything is just really difficult for me, I'm not meant to be on stage, perhaps. Maybe later on, I'll feel like I'm actually a part of it. 

If I'm going to spend this much time doing anything, I'd want to spend it doing something I'd like. That's why I like staying really late after school for Engineering. The absolute best parts of the day, and I seriously mean the best parts of the day are when there are only 5 or so people and Allen, the mentor. Everything has died down a lot, and it's more like a family around a giant dinner table. You have people quietly working on things, helping out, minus the chaos of having too many people. 

You can easily turn to anyone for help during those times, and they'll be ready. You can add in little side conversations while staying focused on whatever it is you're doing.

Today, I was working on one of the prototypes of something we are building for the robot and at first, about 6 people were working on it. Six was too many, but people started to leave. Eventually, it was just two people and we didn't even have to do that small-talk bullshit. It was great. 

That was the happiest point. Maybe it's just because it's the end of the day and I'm just tired and worn out. So being there is just like falling on a heap of blankets and pillows alone. 

I at least feel involved or important. Yes, that's the word. There are very few people there, which means my weird fear of judgment basically disappears. 

If I were just doing theater, I would honestly hate this last semester. I don't even know. I've strongly considered skipping a lot of rehearsals, but then I wouldn't be able to go on tour, which is in Boston this year. I'm pretty sure they could replace me with someone else. 

Someone jokingly suggested that I should injure my leg or something, thus rendering me unable to be in the musical. Or at least the dances. And I thought about that for a really long time. 

My arm has been hurting a lot since the last dance rehearsal. And it seems really small and petty and all, but this fucking thing just reminds me of the thing throughout the day. I can't move it without feeling it, which leads me to think about how much I don't like this. I'm trapped. I made that commitment, though. Lesson learned. I tried to do new things, and this. Man. This is one of the only things I've ever strongly opposed. 

I want out of this production. In my mind, there are reasons for it. I don't need anybody's approval or anything of my own thoughts. I really just hate it. I've already sat down and cried multiple times over the fact that I have to do this. 

It's just the start of this semester. I'm ready to graduate. Except, I don't actually want to be at the ceremony, either. That's another thing. I just don't want to do all of this right now, it's a really weird week. 

5??? more months? I think. It's doable. There are at least some things to look forward to, so there's that. 

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