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Monday, January 7, 2013

Thought Dump #2

This is honestly a bunch of whining and self-pity and a lot of self-disappointment and criticism and sadness, okay here.

Theater. I regret auditioning, I regret everything. It's such a giant timesuck and I am unimportant, yet I still have to be there. I can't do things as well as all of the other people, and I get called out for it. Everyone is still segregated and I don't even know who to sit with when we're not rehearsing. For the past few rehearsals, I've found a little corner to hide in and mess around on my phone, which really means rolling down Twitter multiple times, because that is the only app my phone can hold. Every time I've been there, I've either been crying or close to tears, and wow that sounds like some weak-ass bitch bullshit. But I don't know, I just feel small. I feel small and useless and I am seriously one of the people who is slowing others down. Because the instructor had to go over one of the dances in slow motion for me to pick it up.

The more experienced girls talk about those who can't dance. They gossip openly about it. I was somehow supposed to be a base for a cheerleading type stunt that we were doing and well, okay let's just say I fucked up a lot. And so the actual Strake cheerleaders spent some time making fun of others who made my same mistakes and they were criticizing other groups. I just felt really horrible.

I hate inconveniencing people. I hate being talking about. Although I like alone time, I hate being left alone all the time. People will come up to be, but all of our conversations end in silence because I have little to no common ground with most of them. I just honestly feel really really sad when I have to go to rehearsal. I feel like I could be doing something better with my time.

Today at rehearsal, I was once again close to crying because I was feeling sorry for myself and I couldn't fix anything and I just felt really dumb. Two of my really good friends who were on crew called me over and they just agreed about how cliquey this all was and

god I don't even know anymore. There are so many changes going on and it's happening all at once. And fuck, if I can't even handle a fucking semester change in high school, how in the world am I going on handle fucking college?????

It's not even a big deal. Well okay, no, it is a big deal. It's not easy for me to change myself and become super loud in front of all of these strangers. So making friends sucks. And there are CLIQUES, for fucks sake. It's not like how it is in Engineering, at all. You cannot just break into one of these and feel comfortable. It's so segregated and I didn't think this through at all. I have some friends, but they're in their little groups and I cannot break in. I've tried and tried but I get knocked out of the circle. And then dancing happens and I'm the one who's behind and the guy has to fucking stop everything.

I don't feel comfortable and I really don't belong. The only reason, and I seriously mean the ONLY reason I got in was because of loud singing. Not even necessarily good loud singing, just loud singing. I'm not an actress.

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that there's Engineering afterwards. Rehearsals only go until 6, and I can stay at Engineering until 10 if I want to. It's different. At first I didn't think I'd be able to help or fit in at all. But people have been explaining things and helping me, like sitting me down and walking me through things and actually getting me up-to-date. It's not a competition. Nobody there will gossip about someone's inability to work a drill press. They won't laugh at you for getting the wrong kind of screw. People are just helpful and willing to help me learn. I got there today after rehearsal and the first thing to reach my ears was my name in an excited tone, and then I was pulled in to see a GIANT bag of chips.

Now that all of this is out, it's not bad. I can deal with it and everything, just at the moment it seemed like a lot.  Okay. Okay.

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