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Monday, February 25, 2013

Rants on Sexuality and Expression

Don't be stunned by the title, it's just some more pissed-off stuff. Don't expect anything drastic or eye-opening. This is neutral rambling with slight angry undertones, my thoughts on some things, and an attempt to dispel rumors.

High school is characterized by teen rebellion and the struggle for independence. Hard-core music and hidden drugs. Procrastination and purposefully not caring about the future in some cases. Oh, and sex, lots of it. People are getting more open with their own senses of sexuality and sexuality in general. If they are happy with who they are, honestly, I believe that is a good thing. They are able to clearly define themselves and they are proud that other people can know as well. They are comfortable with expressing it, no matter what they identify as.My focus is not on sexual identity or orientation, but rather-- being a "horny" teenager and expressing it in public.

There are a lot of people who find a way to tie in their sexuality with various events in the day. Some talk about how difficult it is to control themselves in public. They are very open with how turned on they seem to be. My issue is not with that. We get it. You are a teenager, you have hormones, some people are just really hot, go on with it, do what you have to. Orrrr don't. I don't need to know, first of all. I don't have an issue with people stating others are hot, I don't have a problem with publicizing opinions about attraction. Honestly though, unless I ask or unless it is brought up as an interesting topic in a conversation, I will probably not caaaa-aaa-aaare.

My issue is with the fact that if you aren't constantly expressing the fact that you are thinking of sex 150% of the time, you are basically considered asexual. Which is what kind of happened to me, and I don't know how.

I just don't see the point of letting people know...anything, really. My reasoning is because of the distraction. Sex is distracting. When people reveal something sex-related about themselves, sometimes that can become all others see.

It's difficult to admit this, but when I first entered high school and people were coming out of their closets and  all, it was distracting. I saw them as their orientation. It wasn't the first and most important thing, but I'd have a conversation with them and then their label would pop up in my head and I would be like, "oh."

There weren't negative thoughts, but it just became them because it was them, until it faded away. So I could focus on what they were saying instead of the fact that they were this or that. I just felt the need to avoid that experience from others, which is why I don't say anything in public now.

Similar to reducing someone to the color of their skin, except, well, sexier. I am not reducible to sexuality or any other accidental quality. I want people to see me for my contributions to conversation and who I am. That's where it gets tricky, because one has to decide whether there's a distinction between the qualities you have and who you are in general. Whether or not you are the sum of all of your characteristics that are out of your own control, or whether you are an entity beyond that and those qualities simply "enhance" or add to you. For me, there is a blurry difference, blurry but there. But I can't make others agree with me.

So I'm not saying that the people who did express their orientation are wrong for doing that. I'm proud of them for being able to. I'm actually glad that people are getting more comfortable with being able to express other aspects of their identity in general, and I'm not bothered at the fact that they do. For me, however, I see no point. Or I'm afraid of judgment in the way that I judged others, no matter what I identify as. The judgment of them, if you will, was made in my own mind, so I am at fault. Which is why I'm afraid of that because I don't want people to judge me in the same way, makes sense?

Moving on. Because I don't brag about everything that's on my mind or not on my mind, because I don't flirt with people, because I don't publicize my thoughts, I am considered asexual.

Which is definitely not the case. People are making assumptions about me, but it appears they have disregarded the ability to verify any of that before stating it.

Part of this might come from my blatant disgust the concept of oral sex. Specifically blowjobs. Because honestly, that action is the most unappealing concept. I do get shocked about extreme sexual situations. Let's face it though, some fetishes are ridiculous. But I'm not afraid of the entire realm of it in general.

Combine that with me not participating in the "LOUD AND PROUD AND TURNED ON, I NEED TO FRICK" parade that seems to be marching on, and you've got the recipe for an... asexual?

No, that's not quite right. I just stay quiet about it. I don't see the need to flaunt it or anything, because I don't think people should care in the first place. As I mentioned in a previous post, I do not want to be reduced to any one characteristic that is beyond my control.

I'm not afraid of sex, I'm not going to cry about it, I'm not disgusted by the concept, and it isn't this giant, intimidating gross thing that I make efforts to avoid in general because I'm uncomfortable by it. Because I'm not.

In fact, I consider it one of the most beautiful actions anyone can participate in. Which is why I respect it and my way of showing that respect is by not flaunting it. For some people, embracing that means being open with others about it. That's fine. But I guess I'm different.

Going off of that, I believe it should be more than just something that feels good. I honestly feel like the experience is going to be 874x better if you're involved with someone who really loves you. It's sacred, in the purest sense of the word. That's also why I'm not going to flaunt anything, because it would have to be specifically tied to the person I love, and not a bunch of people who are simply physically attractive. I've never been able to look at a hot person and automatically want to jump their bones. I get that some people can, but I have to have some sort of deeper connection. One could say I'm more romantic, in that sense, but that still doesn't mean I'm asexual. I guess it all boils down to this-- for asexuals, sex is sometimes described as something they merely endure. "Little to no sexual attraction to others,"-- according to Wikipedia. (Also the lack of a sexual orientation, but that's not my case) Right, so that's not me. Sex isn't something I have to get over.

I just don't see why I'm expected to express everything in order to be considered sexual(?) at all. (What's the opposite of "asexual"? Because that's the word I'm looking for.")

So why am I even clearing up the fact that I'm not asexual? If people are going to think anything about me, I want them to get it right, at the very least. Similar to wanting to break out of black stereotypes. Get it right. Get me right. Everyone deserves the opportunity to be considered they way they want to be considered.

Rants on Race

Because I have to get things out or else I will honestly explode in front of someone. This is the only way for me to ever get anything done tonight.

My race. For. Fuck's. Sake. There are people who still somehow think it is alright to make black jokes in front of me. Just because they are friends with me, they think it's alright to mess around like that. This happened a lot during the play, including rehearsals. Someone would go up to me and the lights would be off and they'd say, "Oh, I can't see you." Then they'd reach out and grab a bunch of air. Ha! I've said this before, but how do they expect me to respond? I don't understand.

Even when I make every attempt to break free from black stereotypes, people keep on bringing them up. I get criticized for not acting black. I get criticized for the things that some black people do that I don't. I kid you not, I have to think about how much people are going to judge me before I open my mouth. They say I act "white." And for a long while, I have been accepting that.

If acting "white" is synonymous with being intelligent and not acting like a barn animal, which is the implication behind the alternate. If acting "white" is synonymous with not being loud and obnoxious and knowing all of the latest dances. If acting "white" is making good grades unlike the rest of my race.

It hurts to know that in some people's eyes, I am consider lesser than others because of my skin colors and because of the actions of the rest of my people that have been glamorized by the media. Everyone seems to feed off of black culture today. They think it's funny, it's cute. It's so "ghetto" or "ratchet"! "Oh, can't you twerk?" "Oh, don't you know how to do this dance?" "Can you teach us how to pop, lock, and drop it?"

I have been asked this by people I consider my friends. I've been at parties as the only black-ish member of our group. And people have paused what they are doing when a song came on, and all of the white people seriously asked me if I could teach them how to teach them how to dance.

I have been called "burnt toast" by my friends. Jokes have been made about my skin color. And how the fuck do you want me to react?

The same people who politely ask to touch my hair and call the texture "iiiinteresting" or "unique" are the same people who laughed when a guy with an afro came on stage during one of our assemblies. He walked out and I was sitting next to a person who proceeded to cover her mouth with her hands and suppress a giggle and choke out, "seriously?" A friend.

There are people who list off the different racial slurs they learned from their parents in front of me. Like, for fuck's sake, do you want me to congratulate you?

It is almost as though they are reducing me to these low standards while ignoring everything positive I have done. At the risk of sounding cocky: Excuse me, but do I need to print out my resume and hand it to these people when they say these things in order for them to understand that I am more than just "black"? Actually, no- screw sounding cocky. I want to be recognized in the same way other people get recognized.

Multiple people have also come up to me and attributed my positive characteristics to my Asian side, particularly intelligence. Race. Has nothing. To do. With Intelligence. In fact, my black father was the primary influence in terms of my education. It hurts to know that when I do get praised for something, it is for only one side of me.

I used to go into situations actually believing I was less than others because of my skin color, because I know right off the bat that they are making assumptions about me. I have to be twice as eloquent, twice as polite to parents when I'm meeting them, lest they scold their child for associating with "trash". I was dropping off someone and his parents are known for being really prejudiced, and he told me to pull over on the opposite side of the road to drop him off.

Stuff like this hurts. I'm a normal human being. Scratch that, no. I am an intelligent human being who is just as capable, perhaps even moreso, at performing the same tasks as everybody else. I am not skin color. I am not these stereotypes.

I am, however, expected to fulfill all of these negative standards. So I take care to avoid them at all costs. I didn't join my school's black youth organization because I didn't want to be singled out even further.

I just want to be treated normally. I thought people in high school would be more mature, but apparently not. And in college, I fear it may be worse. So what are my options? Get thicker skin. Keep on making three times the effort to seem normal. Fight against people who blame me for not embracing my culture. Fight against people who only see me for the culture I'm supposed to embrace. Fight against my own damn self for not knowing what to do and just being tired of it all.