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Monday, February 25, 2013

Rants on Sexuality and Expression

Don't be stunned by the title, it's just some more pissed-off stuff. Don't expect anything drastic or eye-opening. This is neutral rambling with slight angry undertones, my thoughts on some things, and an attempt to dispel rumors.

High school is characterized by teen rebellion and the struggle for independence. Hard-core music and hidden drugs. Procrastination and purposefully not caring about the future in some cases. Oh, and sex, lots of it. People are getting more open with their own senses of sexuality and sexuality in general. If they are happy with who they are, honestly, I believe that is a good thing. They are able to clearly define themselves and they are proud that other people can know as well. They are comfortable with expressing it, no matter what they identify as.My focus is not on sexual identity or orientation, but rather-- being a "horny" teenager and expressing it in public.

There are a lot of people who find a way to tie in their sexuality with various events in the day. Some talk about how difficult it is to control themselves in public. They are very open with how turned on they seem to be. My issue is not with that. We get it. You are a teenager, you have hormones, some people are just really hot, go on with it, do what you have to. Orrrr don't. I don't need to know, first of all. I don't have an issue with people stating others are hot, I don't have a problem with publicizing opinions about attraction. Honestly though, unless I ask or unless it is brought up as an interesting topic in a conversation, I will probably not caaaa-aaa-aaare.

My issue is with the fact that if you aren't constantly expressing the fact that you are thinking of sex 150% of the time, you are basically considered asexual. Which is what kind of happened to me, and I don't know how.

I just don't see the point of letting people know...anything, really. My reasoning is because of the distraction. Sex is distracting. When people reveal something sex-related about themselves, sometimes that can become all others see.

It's difficult to admit this, but when I first entered high school and people were coming out of their closets and  all, it was distracting. I saw them as their orientation. It wasn't the first and most important thing, but I'd have a conversation with them and then their label would pop up in my head and I would be like, "oh."

There weren't negative thoughts, but it just became them because it was them, until it faded away. So I could focus on what they were saying instead of the fact that they were this or that. I just felt the need to avoid that experience from others, which is why I don't say anything in public now.

Similar to reducing someone to the color of their skin, except, well, sexier. I am not reducible to sexuality or any other accidental quality. I want people to see me for my contributions to conversation and who I am. That's where it gets tricky, because one has to decide whether there's a distinction between the qualities you have and who you are in general. Whether or not you are the sum of all of your characteristics that are out of your own control, or whether you are an entity beyond that and those qualities simply "enhance" or add to you. For me, there is a blurry difference, blurry but there. But I can't make others agree with me.

So I'm not saying that the people who did express their orientation are wrong for doing that. I'm proud of them for being able to. I'm actually glad that people are getting more comfortable with being able to express other aspects of their identity in general, and I'm not bothered at the fact that they do. For me, however, I see no point. Or I'm afraid of judgment in the way that I judged others, no matter what I identify as. The judgment of them, if you will, was made in my own mind, so I am at fault. Which is why I'm afraid of that because I don't want people to judge me in the same way, makes sense?

Moving on. Because I don't brag about everything that's on my mind or not on my mind, because I don't flirt with people, because I don't publicize my thoughts, I am considered asexual.

Which is definitely not the case. People are making assumptions about me, but it appears they have disregarded the ability to verify any of that before stating it.

Part of this might come from my blatant disgust the concept of oral sex. Specifically blowjobs. Because honestly, that action is the most unappealing concept. I do get shocked about extreme sexual situations. Let's face it though, some fetishes are ridiculous. But I'm not afraid of the entire realm of it in general.

Combine that with me not participating in the "LOUD AND PROUD AND TURNED ON, I NEED TO FRICK" parade that seems to be marching on, and you've got the recipe for an... asexual?

No, that's not quite right. I just stay quiet about it. I don't see the need to flaunt it or anything, because I don't think people should care in the first place. As I mentioned in a previous post, I do not want to be reduced to any one characteristic that is beyond my control.

I'm not afraid of sex, I'm not going to cry about it, I'm not disgusted by the concept, and it isn't this giant, intimidating gross thing that I make efforts to avoid in general because I'm uncomfortable by it. Because I'm not.

In fact, I consider it one of the most beautiful actions anyone can participate in. Which is why I respect it and my way of showing that respect is by not flaunting it. For some people, embracing that means being open with others about it. That's fine. But I guess I'm different.

Going off of that, I believe it should be more than just something that feels good. I honestly feel like the experience is going to be 874x better if you're involved with someone who really loves you. It's sacred, in the purest sense of the word. That's also why I'm not going to flaunt anything, because it would have to be specifically tied to the person I love, and not a bunch of people who are simply physically attractive. I've never been able to look at a hot person and automatically want to jump their bones. I get that some people can, but I have to have some sort of deeper connection. One could say I'm more romantic, in that sense, but that still doesn't mean I'm asexual. I guess it all boils down to this-- for asexuals, sex is sometimes described as something they merely endure. "Little to no sexual attraction to others,"-- according to Wikipedia. (Also the lack of a sexual orientation, but that's not my case) Right, so that's not me. Sex isn't something I have to get over.

I just don't see why I'm expected to express everything in order to be considered sexual(?) at all. (What's the opposite of "asexual"? Because that's the word I'm looking for.")

So why am I even clearing up the fact that I'm not asexual? If people are going to think anything about me, I want them to get it right, at the very least. Similar to wanting to break out of black stereotypes. Get it right. Get me right. Everyone deserves the opportunity to be considered they way they want to be considered.

1 comment:

  1. I always enjoy reading your posts. They're thought-provoking and inspire me to really step back and reflect on me and my perceptions of the world. So, thank you. :)