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Monday, April 22, 2013

Truth

I wanted this year to end on a really good note, but it's ending with me wallowing and disliking the people I used to love. I feel even more guilty about all of this, and the goal throughout these four years in this institution was to overcome excessive, unnecessary guilt. I've needed a break for a while.

I need to just get through these few days and then I will be through. I wish I could be more sad about this, the whole leaving and saying goodbye to everyone thing. Because I know I'll look back and regret not feeling as sad as I should be, according to...the things I've seen.

I'm leaving high school as an angry and regretful person. I thought I'd come out stronger and just generally better. Sure, it's expanded my mind, but it also lead me into this deeper self-loathing pit. I'm hating myself because I'm disliking others who don't deserve it. I just need a break. I need time to miss some people before interacting with them again.

Habits that I once admired and smiled at are becoming boring, predictable. My own habits, too. There's nothing new here. Same conversations, same structure, same pauses for laughter and smiles, it's fallen into a boring template.

Senior year has been the worst. Disappointment after disappointment. This is the year during which I strongly considered leaving. Just leaving, so many different ways of leaving.

I've tried to leave reality by attempting to get hard-core drunk a few months ago. It didn't work. I won't do it again, I know that much. It wasn't worth anything. That was really rebellious for me, considering my relatively clean background. That was still my low point, I just didn't know how to properly deal with the internal hatred and disappointment. For a total of 10 minutes on that same evening, I considered distraction through physical pain, but I didn't follow through because I don't like pain.

So I've been using other distractions for a while. Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter. The most effective form has been music. It's done more for me than anything else. People are typically alright, but everyone is so wrapped up in other things and I can only contribute nods of agreement or empty silences in some conversations. Lately, I don't feel like putting much of an effort to fuel potential friendships. I sort of put a cap on previously established ones by not taking extra steps to advance them. I'm aware of conversational opportunities that would get a laugh or two, but I don't see the point. I don't want to get any closer to anyone before leaving.

I stay up so late nowadays just to feel like I'm doing something- and wow, yes that sounds like total whiny bullshit, but this when when I feel like I'm getting the most out of life. I've stopped looking forward to things because they always fuck up. They always fuck up and some of it is my fault, but the rest is just how life seems to be working out. Fuck's sake. I wish I had the anticipation of the freshman me. I wish I had the energy of the freshman me, and I wish I didn't know as much.

Everything is still going on, though. Everyone is still moving and going on with their own little lives. I'm not jealous, but I'm not happy for them either. I feel neutral towards almost everything, it's hard to care now because we're all so close to leaving this place.

I guess I just need new things. College couldn't have come at a better time.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Scattered Rambling???

So here's what's up.

Basically just kissing college at the moment. Brushing it, it's that close. My life philosophy has dwindled down to, "Make it through, try not to care about the things that don't matter, let things go."

Make it through. Is that supposed to be easy? Academically-speaking, this has manifested in a really negative way. I say that as if the blame is not on myself, but it really is. I completely slacked off in one class, and it happens to be the most difficult. The information and content is easy to grasp, it just takes a strong commitment to working hard and memorizing things. The issue is that my time management in that class is completely screwed up. I've adopted this care-free mentality and I've lowered my own standards. I'm making it through, but only barely.

It's not good. Call it "Senioritis," but it's really just being stupid. I went from being a decent student to...whatever this is.

This next part is going to sound dark and kind of whiny, so hang on, if you will.

It's hard to be happy. I mean on a deeper level. I still laugh with friends and we have fun. But it's on a really shallow level. Little jokes, comments during conversations, chuckling at pictures, laughing at movies. Is that all happiness is nowadays? I don't feel it on a deeper level, it's not a feeling that penetrates my entire being. And I wonder if it ever did. Or is happiness supposed to only go that far? Are emotions supposed to be like that-- plastered on the surface of those who are meant to feel it? While beyond that, there's nothing but...well, nothingness? Nothing but your own thoughts and your confusion? You're just left to contemplate your shallow happiness, or your temporary sorrow, or your superficial anger. All of these emotions brought upon by little events in your life. Sprung up as a result of someone's decision, or your decisions, unnecessary events.

I feel like I constantly need distractions in order to avoid this sort of negative thought process. I've been getting into music, watching stupid movies, going on Tumblr.

Even conversations seem to have lost the enjoyment factor. There are moments where I realize how truly fascinating people are. With all of our own journeys and stories and uniqueness. And so we talk about that. But we're all here for a little bit of time. Is that what everyone else is doing? Chasing happiness on that surface level through little distractions? Does everyone have access to the boring deeper part? I'd like to shut it out.

But saying it like that implies that my way of seeing the world is the same as everyone else's. That is false, I would hope. That's what makes us fascinating all over again, the fact that we all see things differently. Am I contradicting myself?

Earlier this year, one of my teacher's proved the existence of a God- God as the cause of all things, first and foremost. I hate it when people in the class try to pass this off as some intellectual secret, because it's something that should be shared with fucking everyone, doesn't matter the reason. Whether it's for conversion, or just because it's interesting. Basically, everything has a cause. Things can't just "be"- out of nowhere.

You are caused by your two parents. Not just nouns, but events. Rain is caused by...some stuff happening in the atmosphere. (Sorry for not knowing everything, I'm trying to make a point.) All things that "are" were caused by something. And there had to be an ultimate cause. Something...some entity that causes everything, without being caused by something else. Or else existence is caught up in a circle that doesn't make sense.

Don't read into that, I'm not as eloquent as I had hoped to be. The teacher phrased it in a way that made more sense, whereas I am still attempting to grasp this concept. But this is basically saying that there was a cause. We are here on account of this entity, which we know to be God. The personal interaction with us, the whole caring part where he loves us and all comes later.

Or it comes now, because that's where our purpose is going to be tied in. We aren't here because we need to be, we are here because the thing that caused us loved us into existence. According to the teacher.

I'm patiently waiting for militant believers and militant non-believers to attack this information. In response to whatever might come up, I simply step back. I didn't express this in a complete way. I also never said I denied or affirmed my own belief in this. As of right now, I'm just as confused and I'm trying to work this out.  I think I believe something, and then I get all messed up.

I'm not depressed or sad. Right, I need to clear that up. I just feel like my life is stuck. There's a glass room right across from where I am, and for the moment I am sealed out. I see blurry outlines of colorful things, and I'm getting my hopes up. But I can't enter. Not yet. I'm stuck. That's it, I just feel stuck.

I feel like life has come to this huge standstill and I'm just waiting for that door to open. I'm ready for exposure. I'm ready for newness.

It's a good thing the high school experience is only four years. If I had to stay any longer, I would probably be in a much worse position.

I'm going out for a drive, probably to get ice cream or something. Maybe donuts. Or both. It makes me happy, I think.