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Monday, April 22, 2013

Truth

I wanted this year to end on a really good note, but it's ending with me wallowing and disliking the people I used to love. I feel even more guilty about all of this, and the goal throughout these four years in this institution was to overcome excessive, unnecessary guilt. I've needed a break for a while.

I need to just get through these few days and then I will be through. I wish I could be more sad about this, the whole leaving and saying goodbye to everyone thing. Because I know I'll look back and regret not feeling as sad as I should be, according to...the things I've seen.

I'm leaving high school as an angry and regretful person. I thought I'd come out stronger and just generally better. Sure, it's expanded my mind, but it also lead me into this deeper self-loathing pit. I'm hating myself because I'm disliking others who don't deserve it. I just need a break. I need time to miss some people before interacting with them again.

Habits that I once admired and smiled at are becoming boring, predictable. My own habits, too. There's nothing new here. Same conversations, same structure, same pauses for laughter and smiles, it's fallen into a boring template.

Senior year has been the worst. Disappointment after disappointment. This is the year during which I strongly considered leaving. Just leaving, so many different ways of leaving.

I've tried to leave reality by attempting to get hard-core drunk a few months ago. It didn't work. I won't do it again, I know that much. It wasn't worth anything. That was really rebellious for me, considering my relatively clean background. That was still my low point, I just didn't know how to properly deal with the internal hatred and disappointment. For a total of 10 minutes on that same evening, I considered distraction through physical pain, but I didn't follow through because I don't like pain.

So I've been using other distractions for a while. Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter. The most effective form has been music. It's done more for me than anything else. People are typically alright, but everyone is so wrapped up in other things and I can only contribute nods of agreement or empty silences in some conversations. Lately, I don't feel like putting much of an effort to fuel potential friendships. I sort of put a cap on previously established ones by not taking extra steps to advance them. I'm aware of conversational opportunities that would get a laugh or two, but I don't see the point. I don't want to get any closer to anyone before leaving.

I stay up so late nowadays just to feel like I'm doing something- and wow, yes that sounds like total whiny bullshit, but this when when I feel like I'm getting the most out of life. I've stopped looking forward to things because they always fuck up. They always fuck up and some of it is my fault, but the rest is just how life seems to be working out. Fuck's sake. I wish I had the anticipation of the freshman me. I wish I had the energy of the freshman me, and I wish I didn't know as much.

Everything is still going on, though. Everyone is still moving and going on with their own little lives. I'm not jealous, but I'm not happy for them either. I feel neutral towards almost everything, it's hard to care now because we're all so close to leaving this place.

I guess I just need new things. College couldn't have come at a better time.

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