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Thursday, May 9, 2013

Better because...


Almost there.

I need to leave, I'm about to get out of this glass room, finally. I'm about to get un-stuck. I'll leave things behind, I'll leave people behind, I'll just leave and start over.

It had been feeling like an online role-playing game for the past three months, except I was the only character that could make choices, while I saw everyone else as an NPC, doing what they were programmed to do. Everything was a routine, I would drive to school, interact, overthink, drive home. I tried logging out. Mentally, that is, but it was too hard. I tried blocking everything out, but that also included school, so grades dropped.

I became disappointed in a lot of people. They weren't there when I needed them, but to be fair, I don't let people help. And then I trashed the concept of helping, because really, what can people really do for this aside from listen? I guess I kind of did ask for help. I asked for help when I publicized the last few posts, I hoped that they would be read and that somehow, things would get better. But life is still going on regardless of my internet complaints.

I became even more disappointed with myself because I wasn't fixing anything.

I feel stupid, right now. Because there was a chance for something new, change. I had been craving any type of change, but apparently I ruined it. Of course it's my fault, that's what I've always thought.

I think I did something wrong, it's me, it's my fault.

But I'm almost there, sweet heavens, I'm right there. I'm so close to being completely through with this high school deal. I was supposed to somehow blossom into this super confident well-loved person. But instead I'm leaving this school with the sheer relief that it's over.

Did high school change me? Did the people change me? Yes. But I have been blessed with a mind that likes to amplify the negativity and disregard the positive.

What if college isn't any different? I don't even know what to try to make it different.

I made a college friend through email earlier this week. I'm frightened and I am upset with myself for being able to leave high school so quickly.

I'm sort of happier now that it has hit that high school is almost over. Except there are still times where I feel stuck. Today was a very stuck day.

Something happened with some people that made me feel triple-stuck, right back to middle school. People are being really fucking immature and petty and I just got really happy because I'm leaving. I know there will be annoying and childish people in college, but I'm going to be able to escape.

There are times where I feel horrible for having to leave some people. I don't know if i've ever settled on something for a long period of time. But I'm tired and I think I'm ready to go. 

I'm almost there, dear god, I'm right there. 


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