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Thursday, May 9, 2013

Moving on?

I've thought and thought and thunk and thought myself into this horrid hole, and it's good that I'm leaving this environment, but what if it doesn't stop? I've become unhappy with my current situation and it is past the point of being able to fix it with a simple flip of a mental switch. The only things that seem to help are writing and singing, but I can't do both all of the time. So is the rest of my summer, at least, going to be nothing but distractions?

Sudden exposure to certain social situations, the resulting guilt from letting others down, the additional stress from the family and school have been bringing me down. When I say guilt, I mean guilt. I just sit and think about all of the things that went wrong, all of the things I could have done differently, all of the different ways a certain scenario could have played out. Little things like conversations during lunch, or comments made during class. It seems to be so much more self-inflicted mental pain than some of the other people. But I don't know them when they're alone, so I have nothing really to judge them on.

I'm tired, exhausted by having to put up with all of this day after day.

And the judgment, on top of everything, the judgment which exists- despite constant "reminders" that it's only in my head. The same people telling me not to worry about things are the ones that judge the most, literally picking at what I do and who I am and I can't fucking breathe, let go.

Except I do not want to let go. I am convinced that there is something I need to discover to reach actual happiness and contentment.

So I'm thinking that will be C O L L E G E. Except I hadn't even planned on going to this college and there are already complications because I'm still the same damn Micaela from freshman year, the one that can't say "no" and make a fucking decision on her own.

That's the thing, I'm the same fucking person, what the fuck. I've matured in some ways, I'm somewhat more understanding, more tolerant, more willing to listen. But I still can't do anything for myself with some people.

If I'm going to start over, I have to know what I'm going to do. I have to rewrite myself and start from nothing.

But how? Do? You? Do that? I still want to be liked by everybody, except the people who I thought were my friends, because I've gotten tired of them. And I'll regret this later, but right now, this is what I feel.

I don't know what to do?

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