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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

On Being Female

What is feminism? A cause devoted towards the equality of women in the realm of today's society. That means equal treatment in the workplace, equal pay for tasks that they perform for the same amount of education as their male counterparts, basically equal rights. It is easier to define equal rights in areas that are shared by both genders, such as the workplace. Show me a person opposed to women receiving equal pay as a man while both have the same qualifications and I'll consider that a display of ignorance. But what happens when decisions regarding rights must be made on topics that only apply directly to women? Topics such as birth control and abortions?

Morality comes into question, heavily linked to religious beliefs. Contrary to popular belief, this controversial issue can be discussed without someone blowing up, so long as all parties involved understand the reasoning behind decisions and beliefs. 

The Catholic Church view abortion as murder. It takes the life from a human being that cannot defend itself or oppose the decision. From conception, the fetus is believed to have as much value as an individual that has been birthed. From this standpoint, it is easy to see that many people oppose abortion because it is the deliberate ending of a human being's life. It is also clear to see how decisions on abortion have a more personal affect on those who aren't even women. It violates the right to life, a fundamental aspect of the belief system. How can people be satisfied with a government that would permit a violation of life itself? 

People seem to get this confused, though. People assume that those opposed to abortion go against it because they want to control women. Some say that restricting abortions means taking away a woman's choice, and thus goes against the entire equality movement. It becomes a giant mess of "perpetuating the patriarchy" and the conservative men who oppose it (conservatives are more likely to uphold the Catholic beliefs) are viewed as oppressive. Generally. There are some people, however, who actually do wish to oppress the female population. To say that the law is full of kind-hearted people who are concerned with the well-being of every individual is silly. 

On the other hand, the pro-choice side is where feminism firmly plants itself. This side believes that women should be able to decide what happens with their body and that they should not be shamed for doing so. However, it's tricky to ask for equality in an area that men cannot participate in, especially in an environment that is dominated by men. In this case, then, it's not equality. Rather, basic rights, the right to determine what happens to her body. A woman should not have to be controlled by anyone other than herself. She might not hold the belief that views abortion as murder. Therefore, she cannot be held to the same standards. Simply put, reproductive rights are tricky and they always will be. 

There has been an attempted injection of religious beliefs into a secular society. The problem is how this society views sex and the consequences of sex. A man can decide to have sex with as many people as he wants and typically the main concern is getting permanent STDs. Getting somebody pregnant isn't even something that can stick with him. He can pack up and leave, nothing can force him to stay (there's guilt and a sense of obligation, but it doesn't stick with some people). Women get pregnant and that's it. They are pregnant. They have a child growing inside of them. There are immediate responsibilities. They get into sexual relationships and hope for the same "equality" as men, which would be an escape from pregnancy. Abortion provides that. 

Sex has always been pleasurable. Humans like it and the only thing stopping most people is the scare of pregnancy. Sex started out as a way to reproduce, then it was declared sacred. Now it is going through a loss of sacredness and with that comes a loss of understanding. Imagine a world, emotions aside, in which people could freely pursue sex without having to worry about pregnancy at all. Fuck yeah. (Okay, I thought that was funny.) All of the physical pleasure without any risks. Aside from STDs. That is what contraceptives and abortion provide for some people. It might not be the primary purpose, but it is an option that fits into the secular view of sex.

But what else is abortion? What else can it provide? Why else would women get it? Lives are uprooted by pregnancies, plans change, futures are altered. "If women didn't want a baby, they shouldn't have had sex in the first place!" "Yes, you're a woman, yes you're the only gender that encounters this 'issue' as a result of sex, own up to it!" Perhaps, yes, it is a way of "erasing" the mistake of engaging in sexual relations at a time where a woman is not prepared or willing to have a child. 

Again, at the same time (trying to get in both sides), a woman should be able to decide what happens to her body. People who are not in her exact position with her exact background cannot decide what would benefit her in the long run. Yes, she initially made the "mistake" of having sex and now she is dealing with pregnancy. But her decision on whether or not to birth the child is hers. 

Is it able to be personally pro-life and politically pro-choice? I think so. If I found myself pregnant through any means, even in instances of rape, I would carry the child. I say that now. Being pregnant at this exact moment in my life would change everything. Actually, it would ruin everything that I have ever worked for. My college hopes, my career, my future, my family dynamics. But I would not be able to live with myself after an abortion. I would give my child up for adoption, most likely. I do not hold all of the Catholic beliefs, but I do believe that as soon as conception occurs, I have a human being inside of me. 

So let me try to clear up why I am still pro-choice. Most of my support is of the contraceptive push, the push for birth control and easier options for women to prevent pregnancy, and that means measures taken before the sperm comes in contact with the egg. I want women to have those options. They can enjoy sex and still prevent pregnancy. This attitude exists in me because I do not share the views of the Catholic church on sex. It's odd for me to admit this. Sex, according to the Church, is supposed to be a sacred way of expressing true love between a married couple and a way to foster the intention to start a family. But my view of sex is that of the pursuit of basic primal instincts. I'm approaching it from a biological standpoint, morality aside. So long as there are two (or more) consenting adults and it feels good, what can stop you? What should stop you? 

Well, pregnancy scares. So why not make contraceptives readily available? Why not make that an option that partners or individuals can get? If made more effective, this would cut down on the number of abortions that would have to be performed. Ideally. This is not the complete solution to the sex issue. To assume that more birth control would automatically cut down on abortions is dangerous. It might help, but it would not eliminate the problem. 

I am also pro-choice because I do not know what all of the women are going through. I never will. Although it would be nice to believe that all women who get abortions do so for valid reasons and not just because they didn't want to waste their time. But every female has their own circumstances. I cannot place any of my limits on them, nor do I want to. I may not disagree with them, but their lives are their lives. Unless I understand every factor in their decision, all of the background information, and all of her thoughts, I will not get a woman's decision to abort a fetus. However, the option should be available because some women reason that this is the best option for them. Take away that option, and women will start to feel oppressed. Condemned and restricted by their gender, unable to pursue sex as pleasure, but more as a risk. 

We're not even addressing the real problem here. The problem is in how we all view sex. It doesn't have to be sacred for everybody. But it's still really taboo. People are afraid of it, afraid of discussing it. Topics like masturbation and polygamous sexual relationships are kept under the covers. (Another one, couldn't help it...) The only permitted discussions are on regular ol' sex within marriage, which still happens. Obviously. But the realm of sex is so large and mostly unaddressed that people are shocked when they encounter anything outside the norm. So when sex-related topics explode, you get uninformed people attempting to control the other side. You get assumptions that don't get cleared up. People do not try to understand the other side. It's a giant miscommunication between pivotal players in the law-making process. Our leaders and regulators do not know how to effectively communicate. It's more than that, too. 

It may seem as though I have a really flip-floppy nature, but I stand firmly in my beliefs. I think that the attitude needs to change, but I don't know how to change it. I can start by taking the taboo away from sex, by being able to discuss it without flipping out or considering it vulgar. How is it so vulgar when it is so necessary to our existence? There are limits, of course. There is a time and a place for this kind of discussion. 

There are many people who want things to change. We just don't know how exactly to make it happen. 

I am open to discuss this topic with people, especially those who disagree with my views. I want to be able to see it from all sides and I might change my mind on a few things. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


I'm excited about the future. It's still very unclear, but I have an idea and it's something that I might enjoy. I've been taking the online dental course for a while and it seems like something I could pursue. I haven't experienced any dislike of the material and I genuinely like learning. Still going to test it out. Nothing is set in stone, but I am narrowing things down. I went through the Jurisprudence part easily. It mostly dealt with legal stuff, duties of a dental assistant, and what people are allowed to do. Very similar to a government class, actually in that it discussed administrative tasks and defined a few terms. I'm really interested about more interactive things, though, because right now most of the material is stuff to memorize. I want to dive into labs and diagrams and stuff.

 Right now, I am in the more biological part of the course. Hooray! We're about to learn about infection control. Okay, so it's not flat-out biological yet, but it's getting there. It's still all procedures and preventative measures. But it's interesting. After this is through, the next topic is Radiology. X-rays and radiation and such. When I complete the entire course, I hope to be able to register. This way, I can start to jump into internships while in San Antonio, perhaps. Or at the very least, I can shadow at an office on the weekends.

We'll just have to see.

I like spending this time on developing. I like using my summer to learn. I've considered how this is going to affect my college life. Because if I commit myself to this, I won't have much of a typical social life. What many people think of when they hear "social life" is partying every weekend and constantly having to be around others. That's not my style. An occasional get-together and light public events are fine, but I cannot see myself having to spend most of my free time around a bunch of party people.

I love dances, though. But they'd get really tiring to me after a while. The point of them is to let loose, meet people, relax and all. I can only do that so many times before it becomes boring.

I am going to get involved, though. People say that's the key to enjoying college, so long as it's in moderation. They have a club on campus that revolves around some of my interests, and I might join that. I also plan on working into a writing group, possibly singing, too. Actually, I've been looking around in my current city for open mic musical opportunities. I think something like that would be less of a time commitment, but it's still enough for me to pursue my passion. If I were to try out for a singing group, I would be working on their schedule, which could interfere with studies. The same would go for a strict writing group. I'd like it if there were groups with casual meetings that aren't mandatory, a place where people are welcome to share and critique and just hang out with a common interest.

I might not have any leftover time, but I also want to keep up with learning piano. Even if I can't find an instructor, I'll be able to learn online.

In terms of drugs and alcohol, I know that this sudden escape from parents takes away from the pressure of disappointing them. But I don't really see myself going hardcore over all of that even with the new independence. I think I understand drinking to be social. It lightens the environment, people can let their guards down without having to worry about being judged. I guess the same goes for other recreational drugs, yeah? But I don't want any of that to cut into my goals.

The people who are seen at college ragers are the kids who did that stuff in high school. Those are my assumptions. Not much is heard of the kids who stay at home and prefer to read or do other things. That part doesn't seem to be as "glorified".

This is making me sound like a boring-ass kid. I don't even know, I can have fun without having to join in on the typical college stereotypes. If I can somehow settle in with a bunch of people who share and respect this mindset, I'll be good. However, in being able to enjoy time on my own, I won't have to worry too much about a booming social life.

I'm at college to have the college experience. I'm in charge of how enjoyable college is going to be. The school I am attending wasn't even on my list, but I hope to make the most of it.

I'm very excited about the future. :) I don't use smiley faces in these posts, but this is honestly how I feel, deep down. :) I have exactly two months before I head off to college. And I am excited.

More on Intelligence and Judgement.

Contrary to how I usually portray myself, as the kind of girl who wants to get along with everybody no matter what, I do dislike certain individuals. After trying to figure out why, I can say that the main reason I would ever dislike somebody is because they are too damn caught up in themselves. Every single person I have disliked throughout high school has been too cocky, too selfish, too wrapped up in their own accomplishments. They tackle life with this attitude that they are the shit. Perhaps this persona is actually brought about because of deep insecurities, too. I know that events may affect people, and some things are not their fault.

Then again, I believe that people DO have the ability to choose how they interact with others. Today's world forces us to compete with everyone. If you're not on top, or if you're not trying to get there, you're a piece of shit. Boo you. I guess some people feel the need to constantly show off what they're good for so that others can be aware of how successful they are. Some people are walking, talking resumes. However, they have yet to understand that not everybody is interested in what they are offering.

The obvious examples of this behavior is often overheard in high school hallways. Some asswipe student casually rattling off her current GPA or some girl who always refers to one of her classes with the full title of Honors Advanced Placement Biology 3 all the fuckin' time. She just wants people to know how she's doing academically. There were girls in high school that refused to associate with people because they weren't in honors classes.

I was sitting in my government class one day and the girl who sat behind me walked in with a bewildered look. She had accidentally walked into another classroom and felt the need to point out that the students in there didn't look like they would ever be honors students. Then she launched a little speech on how big the differences were and how uncomfortable she felt. Her perfect little world was cracked because she make a mistake. Couldn't even walk into the right class. Is this irony? I'm pisspoor with identifying it, my bad.

I understand the appeal in wanting to associate with like-minded people. The crowd I rolled with in high school was full of intelligent people. But I didn't seek out their friendship because I saw them as intelligent. In my experience, the group came together because we were nice to one another and could make each other laugh. The deep intellectual discussions came afterwards.

If it was one thing that I noticed, a humble smart person was extremely difficult to come across. They were rare occurrences. They were the ones who realized that, yes, they were making good grades and could pick stuff up easily, but they didn't let that become them. I was always aware that a huge chunk of us were notably recognized for academic success. But that didn't make me any more proud to call them my friends. It was a plus, yes. But what I valued the most was our ability to relate and converse.

They didn't feel the need to flaunt it. If someone needed help, they'd offer, but it didn't become a giant label for them. That sort of attitude makes a person easier to be around. The opposite attitude is that of condescension.

Is it satisfying to people? Does is perpetuate the fact that you are so smart? I fail to see the appeal of coming across as better than others because I see them as "dumb".

Does intelligence matter? It does, in a way. I'm more likely to be able to connect with someone if we have similar intellectual levels when it comes to certain topics, like psychology or racism or discrimination. But it is entirely possible to "get" to someone else on the purest level of interaction without diving into deep things like that. You don't have to be a fuckin' Honors student to be able to pour your heart out on topics like friendship and love or certain hobbies. Because these are things that every individual can enjoy and participate in. Yes, not everybody is into science. Not everybody can spell perfectly. Not everybody can remember every single grammar rule. But that should not mean that you should not even try to interact with someone because they don't seem smart.

Yes- there were times where I would actively avoid "stupid people", though. Stupid, in that case, referred to their ability (or lack of) to assess situations and adjust accordingly. These were the people who constantly showed a lack of concern for others and acted in a way that harmed them. For me, stupid people are the ones who don't care and who get caught up in themselves. I'd go so far as to say that some of the most intelligent people on paper were the very stupid ones. The people who didn't make efforts to better themselves, the ones who were stuck in ruts- I think those people simply weren't exposed. I would avoid them, yes, but my reason wasn't because I thought I was better because I was "smarter". It was more, neither of us could ever better the other.

Example: There was a girl who didn't know what a furnace was. Okay, and so yes- it was joked about and people kept on bringing up similar events and it was just a session of, "Wow, she's so dumb." I saw that as a side effect. Lack of exposure, closed off world, maybe she hadn't had the chance earlier on to encounter one. My attitude towards her has changed. I do not dislike her because she didn't know what that was. I dislike her because of the kind of person she is- outside of her expressed knowledge. Stupid to me is too much self-obsession and a lack of awareness of others. Cockiness is stupidity for me.

There are people who liken stupidity to a lack of exposure and I don't think that's fair at all. I guess it's tied into the desire to learn. Yes, you can live a very sheltered lifestyle, but if you have the desire to learn more and branch out, you are considered intelligent. However, some people are really stuck in their situations. Some aren't aware that there is more out there. I don't like it when others call these types of people "stupid". They're not, at least, not to me. They're in unfortunate situations. Instead of blowing up how "stupid" they are, why don't we help expose them to new things? Books and internet articles and conversations that can help.

When "smart" people just sit on their asses and get mindboners over how smart they are in comparison to others, it does nothing. They seem to worry about the growing number of "stupid" people, yet they do nothing to bring them up.

I hold people according to how they treat others and themselves, not their academic success. Not their pursuit of deeper information. It's nice to see people on the path to personal development, yes, but it's not a make-or-break thing for me. Although I might be able to have more intellectual conversations with those who share in chasing knowledge, I have been able to have incredibly enriching conversations with those who choose to live their lives differently.


Monday, June 17, 2013

Adult Things


I think I have a plan.

From middle school up until the middle of my junior year, I always thought I'd be a writer. I thought I'd go into Journalism or maybe I'd churn out a novel. I turned to blogging because it seemed promising. Hell, I went so far as to put ads up on this account to try to raise money and expand the reader base.

I stopped writing for a while. I posted statuses and did personal entries, but I felt drained by actually writing for others. I phrased things differently, censored myself a lot more, changed opinions based on what I thought others would want to read. It was no longer as pure as what I had started with, and it felt wrong for a while. I had to step out of that and go back to rawness. I'm still trying to get back to it.

I couldn't pursue a writing career because I'm still in the experimental phase. I'm trying to test out new things and I'm still highly affected by what others think. Therefore, I'm not learning to write for myself. Others are writing through me. I wouldn't want to devote my life to constant demands like that. Plus, taking courses would also shape me. I want to be able to figure writing out for myself. That's why I'd like to keep it as a hobby.

But I couldn't stop if I wanted to. If I go too long without churning out a few paragraphs of something, anything, I get itchy. It's like that's something within me that begs to be fulfilled, and that feeling won't stop until my fingers hit keys. I'm not lying when I say that writing (and singing for that matter) are the closest things I've had to a really intimate experience. I'm sure sex is fantastic, but if it comes anything close to the satisfaction that accompanies the completion of a piece, I'd be thrilled.

There's something really golden about completing a task. There's something really wholesome and satisfying about working hard towards something and finally reaching it. Instant gratification is nice. But there's something much more thrilling in the "chase".

I feel as though pursuing a career in writing will lead me on the "chase", but the pay-off in the end will not be as fulfilling. I don't love it enough for me to go into it like that and I'm not yet completely secure in my abilities. However, that doesn't make me any less of a writer. There is still passion. There is still a part of me that will always breathe creativity. But to make writing all that I am would be denying myself of other opportunities.

After a lot of personal discovery (staying up until 5 in the morning consumed by thoughts), I have been able to step out of myself and consider other things. Bigger things. Teeth things.

Dentistry. (Yeah, what???) I am not going to lie. What first drew me to it was the average 6-figure salary. That brought me to the brink of the pool. I rejected it at first. Dealing with patients. Dental school. Dental school tuition. Dental school debt. Only doing it for the money, which is apparently the worst thing anybody could do.

But I decided to crack down and do some hard-core research.

Some hard-core research.

I liken it to romantic attraction. So there's this really cute guy. I don't know anything about him, but I like the way he scrunches up his face when he smiles and I really like the way his arms look when he picks up heavy things. Can't help it, physical attraction. However, I realize that attempting to hang around this guy for the sole purpose of physical attraction wouldn't be very fulfilling. If it worked out, if I somehow established a relationship with him and we only kept it physical, I imagine one of us would get bored quickly.

But the personality, oh man, oh boy oh man. If only I knew a bit more about his personality. What makes him laugh. What he gets upset about. Oh boy. Oh man. Maybe we'd run into some disagreements, but then I could decide if we could work past that to have a more satisfying future. The physical stuff would be even MORE fantastic because I actually care about the person. If I could develop an emotional connection with this person, we would be set for life. That's marriage material right there.

I basically began dating Dentistry to find out more about its personality, to see if we'd be compatible. Wow, that was weird for me.

With writing, I had a very deep emotional connection. He was really good to me and good for me. But I could never go into a passionate relationship with it because it wouldn't be satisfying. Friend-zoned. I friend-zoned writing. ??????

The hunt for information was launched. I started to dive into forums and threads on Reddit for opinions and experiences. I started to really think about how I would like Dentistry. I fell into the trap of falling in love with another field. I did it with Engineering- convinced myself that this was something I wanted to do because I had a tiny bit of experience with it. I convinced myself that I could "survive" calculus in college in order to reach this goal. I was dead-set on becoming an engineer.

Back to the love-life metaphors. My relationship with Engineering was really shallow. I wanted to make it work. He was attractive, but he had little habits that I just couldn't get over. He wasn't a bad guy. Polite to waiters, always held doors open for me, made me laugh. But we just couldn't connect on anything. We had different interests and he seemed like a better fit for other girls. I still have a massive amount of respect for him, though. It was a clean break-up.

I don't want to do the same with Dentistry. With this, I feel as though it really is different. First of all, no calculus (hallelujah, praise!). The focus would be on biology (hallelujah, amen!). It would be something that I would have to "survive"- since I actually enjoy biology.

Second, the entire health field has always been very present in my life. It's like a theme. Both of my parents have careers in it. My mother works in a hospital and my father deals with the more technical, finance-y, computer-y side of the health industry. I really don't know what exactly he does, but it's health-related. We need to communicate more often...

Anyway, through them, I've had opportunities to peer into the industry and get a taste of what it's like. At the time, however, any interest in the health field was blocked out by my determination to be a writer. Now that the flame has simmered down, I have to reconsider things. I have to reconsider everything.

I had to sit down and ask myself if I would actually really truly want to go into this. It's more than being able to do the work. It's more than just liking biology. It's more than loaded paychecks.

Am I willing to spend my father's money on Dental school? Am I willing to commit myself to courses from hell? Am I going to enjoy working with people in a profession that faces a lot of negativity? I don't want to do something for the sole purpose of money. I want to be happy.

I don't know the answers to these questions yet, but that's why I'm trying it out through the online course. This gives me an opportunity to test out the dental world for a month. After completion, I can apply to become a Registered Dental Assistant, which would open up early job or internship opportunities. Even if I end up hating it, I will have learned something!

I guess that's the key. Trying stuff out. Testing. Getting into something to really see how it feels.

So yes. Right now, I don't know what I'm going to do. I am tired of having to answer people who ask me, but they don't mean any harm. I am 17 years old. If you knew where you were going at this age, good for you. But I don't. I'm trying, though. My answer to the question: I'm interested in Dentistry. I'm not going to be a dentist, for sure, 100% all the way. I'm looking into it. I may lack direction, yes. But I'm trying.

I wish the group of unsure people were less judged by others and themselves. There's a difference between being unsure and being apathetic about your future. I DO want to know where to go. I want to know as soon as possible so I can start to work towards it. I just ? ?  ? ?????

One event that pissed me off a lot was when I was attending an engineering lecture, in which a guy came in to speak about He went around the room and asked the seniors what they were majoring in. They all said theirs. And then he came to me and I said that I didn't know. And well, I'm overthinking this, but being the only one in the room who didn't have a major to say was embarrassing. He was kind about it, though- the stuff about changing majors and having time.

IT IS OKAY TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WHILE YOU ARE SEVENTEEN. I wish I knew that back then. I would have been proud about it. I would have been proud because I'm in progress and that's okay.

It's not that I don't care. It's not that I didn't think about it. I obsess over it, as a matter of fact, because the whole world wants to know where you're headed.

I feel rushed. Yes, I get that people change all of the time. But I have to factor in the limited amount of money that my parents would have to spend. That's huge. I also have to consider time. If I flip-flop in the middle of the year and decide to pursue English instead of Dentistry, I'll have to worry about fitting in more courses, getting credits and all. To be honest, it all boils down to money. I don't mind paperwork and all of the hoops I'd have to go through, the meetings with advisors and whatnot. But I do not want to waste any time.

It's 3 in the morning and I feel drained. I'm going somewhere. I think.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Future Plans and Past Explanations

College is creeping up on me and it's terrifying as fuuuuck. I'm not a spontaneous person. I don't mind if other people have plans and they invite me, spur-of-the-moment. I just don't like it when nobody knows what they are doing, but I often find myself in these situations. Or I create them myself, because hey, humans are contradictory and weird. I'm about to head off into the biggest new experience of my life and I can't make up my mind.

I want to be comfortable. What does that mean? Yikes. For me, it means being able to support myself with minimal help from others. I want to be independent. Some girls I know are perfectly fine with having to mooch off rich husbands.

I couldn't do that. That sort of attitude confuses me. I guess it's how I was raised. I grew up surrounded by grown women who freely took from their partners. They had kids, stayed at home, sucked money out of men who had to take one multiple jobs to keep things together. When I was in elementary school, I thought that this was how most women were. That's how I saw my mother, too. I thought this kind of thing was okay.

(This is kind of the reason why I glorified Tina Fey for a while, because she was independent and kicking ass. I'd never seen that before.)

In middle school, I was pulled into these situations. I ended up having to babysit their children while these women went out to party and dance with other guys at some weird foreign clubs. These adults would go to movies and mess around like teenagers and I would watch their 2-to-7 year olds. That's when I began to get really sick of it.

I began to analyze the relationships of those other women. I began to look at the interactions between them and their husbands and I remember thinking about how they looked trapped. Both of them.

The women were trapped in this idea, perhaps, that the only feasible way to survive was to depend on a man. The kids could sometimes be used as pawns. Some took it a bit farther than others- they began to latch on to the idea of a limitless falsely-earned income. They lusted after material bullshit, begged their husbands for money to buy fake designer bags. They gave me one in Hermann Park and it's stuffed in a plastic box now. (I never liked purses...)

The men were trapped by societal judgment? Or their children? They faced becoming the dicks who abandoned their families for something better. I was making a lot of assumptions at the time. But if an adolescent can sense that something is wrong in the relationship, that's a big problem. One striking observation was that these people weren't compatible at all. There was no love. There were no jokes or playful things or even polite disagreements. It was like a political standoff. Cold, harsh, opinionated. How did these people manage to have sex at all?

I felt secondhand guilt. I'm a very guilt-ridden person. If I see that someone is wronging somebody else, I want to fix it. That's part of the reason I apologize a LOT. These women wronged the men who were working hard to support them. Essentially gold-diggers.

I always feel bad for having to ask for things that I need or want. I hate inconveniencing anybody for my own sake. I hate asking for favors or any kind of help. In a sense, this is my way of overcompensating for all of the things I've seen others do.

I do things on my own, I like it that way. There are less people to disappoint or please that way. Also, I'm the only one who would have to suffer through it all. It sounds like some weird philosophical conclusion that would play at the end of a juicy fictional story.

But I'm trying to go through college in the hopes that I'll be able to support myself. As in, actually support myself. I have friends who are willing to help, but that would inconvenience them. And there is no fucking way I will ever be one of those girls who would marry into money. Sweet fuck.

There's more to this, too.

My dad gave up so damn much for me to get a good education. He devoted his life to being able to pay for everything. I'll be damned if I went and wasted his efforts. Sounds like a typical do-good motivational type of thing. I have this weird sense of obligation, coupled with my desire to remedy the actions of those I see before me.

The problem? I don't know where to channel these...feelings. All of my skills are fucking hobbies. Yes, yes good- I can sing and write and draw. It'd be perfect if I were the type who'd be willing to sing a guy into marrying me and die so I can reap insurance benefits. But I can't and won't. I have never given too much thought to pursuing these as actual careers.

I've been considering Engineering for a while. I figure I could enjoy it and do writing and singing on the side. But it didn't feel right, ya know, it has to feel right. So now, I'm scattered. I'm looking at majoring in Economics, and afterwards I'd go into Business, perhaps. This one's an honest shocker, because I had never seriously thought about it until now.

My dad's the business dude. He's ultimate, A+, number 1 business guy, except he keeps on getting fired. Oops. Aside from that, he tells me that he likes it. He's been telling me that he enjoys the work part of it for years and years, he just hates the people.

I can try peopling. And I'm not too worried about that kind of mathing. It's the calculus that I want to stay away from. So that kind of ruled out Engineering.

He's been trying to start his own business for a long while and it would actually be stellar if I could take after him and help out once I get degrees. That is, if I plan on pursuing it. I know it takes more than just a degree in Economics. I'd have to get really creative with the whole planning process.

I don't like telling people this. They expect me to go into my hobbies as a future. I always get, "Why don't you go into Journalism?" (It's a dying industry, I don't want to starve on the streets.) "Why aren't you going to music school?" (I don't want to sell my soul to the Illuminati and burn out.) When I first told people I was interested in pursuing Engineering way back then, I got raised eyebrows. "You don't seem like the kind of person to like that."

And well, yes, they might have been correct. They were very very very correct, actually. But it's also this kind of attitude that holds people back from testing things out. If I had stayed with the same interests I had when I was younger, I would be in a rut. I think...people are obviously meant to change.

I mean, we're allowed to waver on some things, especially the future. When I was younger, I thought I'd be a doctor. Like, hardcore, full-on surgery stuff. I already had the M.D. initials in my name, not an accident by my parents. Until I took AP Bio and ate sweaty hairy ass.

Exposure is key, though. I'm really grateful for all of the exposure I've gotten, through parents and schools. All of those mentor talks that I witnessed through Engineering and all of those uncomfortable hospital visits exposed me to what I might want to do or avoid. I just need more of it. I wish I had gotten this out of the way before college, fuckfrickin' shit.

Being able to tie yourself down to one thing because you love it is a luxury I cannot attain. I am in awe of the people who have a plan. As for myself, I'm getting there.

I wish I could go into college with a fucking plan.