College is creeping up on me and it's terrifying as fuuuuck. I'm not a spontaneous person. I don't mind if other people have plans and they invite me, spur-of-the-moment. I just don't like it when nobody knows what they are doing, but I often find myself in these situations. Or I create them myself, because hey, humans are contradictory and weird. I'm about to head off into the biggest new experience of my life and I can't make up my mind.
I want to be comfortable. What does that mean? Yikes. For me, it means being able to support myself with minimal help from others. I want to be independent. Some girls I know are perfectly fine with having to mooch off rich husbands.
I couldn't do that. That sort of attitude confuses me. I guess it's how I was raised. I grew up surrounded by grown women who freely took from their partners. They had kids, stayed at home, sucked money out of men who had to take one multiple jobs to keep things together. When I was in elementary school, I thought that this was how most women were. That's how I saw my mother, too. I thought this kind of thing was okay.
(This is kind of the reason why I glorified Tina Fey for a while, because she was independent and kicking ass. I'd never seen that before.)
In middle school, I was pulled into these situations. I ended up having to babysit their children while these women went out to party and dance with other guys at some weird foreign clubs. These adults would go to movies and mess around like teenagers and I would watch their 2-to-7 year olds. That's when I began to get really sick of it.
I began to analyze the relationships of those other women. I began to look at the interactions between them and their husbands and I remember thinking about how they looked trapped. Both of them.
The women were trapped in this idea, perhaps, that the only feasible way to survive was to depend on a man. The kids could sometimes be used as pawns. Some took it a bit farther than others- they began to latch on to the idea of a limitless falsely-earned income. They lusted after material bullshit, begged their husbands for money to buy fake designer bags. They gave me one in Hermann Park and it's stuffed in a plastic box now. (I never liked purses...)
The men were trapped by societal judgment? Or their children? They faced becoming the dicks who abandoned their families for something better. I was making a lot of assumptions at the time. But if an adolescent can sense that something is wrong in the relationship, that's a big problem. One striking observation was that these people weren't compatible at all. There was no love. There were no jokes or playful things or even polite disagreements. It was like a political standoff. Cold, harsh, opinionated. How did these people manage to have sex at all?
I felt secondhand guilt. I'm a very guilt-ridden person. If I see that someone is wronging somebody else, I want to fix it. That's part of the reason I apologize a LOT. These women wronged the men who were working hard to support them. Essentially gold-diggers.
I always feel bad for having to ask for things that I need or want. I hate inconveniencing anybody for my own sake. I hate asking for favors or any kind of help. In a sense, this is my way of overcompensating for all of the things I've seen others do.
I do things on my own, I like it that way. There are less people to disappoint or please that way. Also, I'm the only one who would have to suffer through it all. It sounds like some weird philosophical conclusion that would play at the end of a juicy fictional story.
But I'm trying to go through college in the hopes that I'll be able to support myself. As in, actually support myself. I have friends who are willing to help, but that would inconvenience them. And there is no fucking way I will ever be one of those girls who would marry into money. Sweet fuck.
There's more to this, too.
My dad gave up so damn much for me to get a good education. He devoted his life to being able to pay for everything. I'll be damned if I went and wasted his efforts. Sounds like a typical do-good motivational type of thing. I have this weird sense of obligation, coupled with my desire to remedy the actions of those I see before me.
The problem? I don't know where to channel these...feelings. All of my skills are fucking hobbies. Yes, yes good- I can sing and write and draw. It'd be perfect if I were the type who'd be willing to sing a guy into marrying me and die so I can reap insurance benefits. But I can't and won't. I have never given too much thought to pursuing these as actual careers.
I've been considering Engineering for a while. I figure I could enjoy it and do writing and singing on the side. But it didn't feel right, ya know, it has to feel right. So now, I'm scattered. I'm looking at majoring in Economics, and afterwards I'd go into Business, perhaps. This one's an honest shocker, because I had never seriously thought about it until now.
My dad's the business dude. He's ultimate, A+, number 1 business guy, except he keeps on getting fired. Oops. Aside from that, he tells me that he likes it. He's been telling me that he enjoys the work part of it for years and years, he just hates the people.
I can try peopling. And I'm not too worried about that kind of mathing. It's the calculus that I want to stay away from. So that kind of ruled out Engineering.
He's been trying to start his own business for a long while and it would actually be stellar if I could take after him and help out once I get degrees. That is, if I plan on pursuing it. I know it takes more than just a degree in Economics. I'd have to get really creative with the whole planning process.
I don't like telling people this. They expect me to go into my hobbies as a future. I always get, "Why don't you go into Journalism?" (It's a dying industry, I don't want to starve on the streets.) "Why aren't you going to music school?" (I don't want to sell my soul to the Illuminati and burn out.) When I first told people I was interested in pursuing Engineering way back then, I got raised eyebrows. "You don't seem like the kind of person to like that."
And well, yes, they might have been correct. They were very very very correct, actually. But it's also this kind of attitude that holds people back from testing things out. If I had stayed with the same interests I had when I was younger, I would be in a rut. I think...people are obviously meant to change.
I mean, we're allowed to waver on some things, especially the future. When I was younger, I thought I'd be a doctor. Like, hardcore, full-on surgery stuff. I already had the M.D. initials in my name, not an accident by my parents. Until I took AP Bio and ate sweaty hairy ass.
Exposure is key, though. I'm really grateful for all of the exposure I've gotten, through parents and schools. All of those mentor talks that I witnessed through Engineering and all of those uncomfortable hospital visits exposed me to what I might want to do or avoid. I just need more of it. I wish I had gotten this out of the way before college, fuckfrickin' shit.
Being able to tie yourself down to one thing because you love it is a luxury I cannot attain. I am in awe of the people who have a plan. As for myself, I'm getting there.
I wish I could go into college with a fucking plan.